Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Uncomplaint

I believe too many times we complain, and not enough do we praise. That is why I would like to thank the Drury Inn & Suites of Fenton, Missouri. I stayed at their hotel over the weekend and very much enjoyed it.

Although the woman at the counter was distracted by the pizza man when I was trying to check in, she was friendly and, most importantly, real. She wasn't just a fake smile and a "have a nice day." She was a real person who was really hungry, and I can respect that.

Although our room was dirty when we got in, when I called the front desk, they apologized, moved me to a knew room, and offered to take some money off my bill, all in the span of five minutes. The guy who came to show us to our new room didn't try to kiss my ass, either. I hate it when people are overly apologetic, but sadly that is how most businesses want their employees to act. Fortunately, this guy was simply courteous and pleasant. He even made a joke at the situation.

If you're uptight and expect everything to be perfect; if you like to complain if something isn't done right the first time; if you're a douchebag and think you're better than people with a lower salary than you, don't stay at the Drury Inn. If you like people to treat you like a person and not like a customer, give Drury Inn a try.

Monday, October 16, 2006

The Ongoing Adventures of Josh in a New Town

At work I've been called "Josh" twice in the last month by two separate people who have known my name for about two months. He's following me. How can so many unconnected people all independently make the same mistake so consistently?

  • There is some semi-famous actor, seen and known by thousands, named Josh who looks remarkably like me.
  • I have an evil twin brother named Josh. (Or maybe I am the evil twin?>
  • Part of the time, unbeknownst to me, I fall into a Tyler Durden-esque alterego named Josh.
  • People are named according to appearance and attitude, and I was just misnamed.
  • I am falling in and out of an alternate reality, a "Bizzaro world" in which the only differene between me and my counterpart is our name.
Does anyone else have any other suggestions?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Adventures of Roswell Newton

My friend, Luciano has started a new webcomic. Check it out, or we're not friends anymore!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Non Sequitur Overheard at Work

Woman 1: "I like your haircut."

Woman 2: "My husband cut down a tree yesterday!"

Friday, September 29, 2006

Compliment

The best compliment I have received in a long while came from my once and present roommate Justin last week. He said that when buying clothes for his new job, he used me as a point of reference, citing my style as "business casualy, but classy" and "pimp." I've never really been known for being fashionable and, outside of wearing a tuxedo, have rarely ever been complimented on my dress, so this was real flattery.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

High-Fiving Mother Fucker

Last weekend I was sitting outside of The Beaumont Club with one of my friends, waiting for our other friends to emerge. This took longer than expected, so I decided to entertain myself to pass the time. I decided to solicate high fives from everyone trickling out of the bar. Quite a few opted to slap hands, some were reluctant, most walked on past, but one group's reaction was especially memorable.

I believe I was trying to spark up a conversation with the girl eating a burrito when two badasses walked out of the bar. You could tell they were badasses because they wore their hats backwards and walked with a strut something like that of an upright gorilla with one leg asleep and the other affected by palsey. As I had with everyone else emerging from the egress, I offered my hand in a high-five. They ignored it and walked past.

Moments later another badass exited and walked in my direction. I again offered my hand. This time, from over my shoulder I heard one of the original badasses shout a warning, "Beau, don't give that faggot a high five!" Beau glanced at his buddies, looked at my hand, and kept walking.

I was not really phased by this; I expected such reactions from passers-by. The point of what I was doing was not to get high fives, but to get reactions. This reaction, though, seemed ludicrous. I can't help but imagine what it must have been like for Beau when he caught up with the other badasses.

"Beau, did you see that faggot high-fiving people? And you almost high-fived him! I can't believe you. You almost high-fived a faggot! Do you realize what could have happened? You could have high-fived that faggot, caught the gay, and at this moment you would have faggotry and sodomy coursing through your very veins! I'm glad I said something. I'm glad I saw you in time and told you not to high-five that faggot.

"I don't know what I would have done if you had. I was scared for you, man, real scared. I'm just glad that you're safe now. Hug me, bro. Hold me. I can't believe that faggot. What was he trying to do; queer-up everyone in the whole city by high-fiving them?

"Can you feel that? I'm shaking, Beau. That's how scared I was for you. I'm still shaking! Kiss me, Beau. Let me know that you're all right. Kiss me like you mean it. I want to feel safe again, Beau. I want to feel safe in your arms, kissing you, knowing damn sure that you're not a faggot.

"Beau, could you slip a finger in my butt?"

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Little-Known Facts about Cloning

In addition to these "facts" about cloning, here are some more truths about cloning:

  1. Clones retain the memory and thoughts of the original, lacking only the original's conscience and sense of morality
  2. The only way to tell the clone from the original is that the clone will not have birthmarks or scars, and will, of course, have a menacing goatee
  3. Someone can clone you simply by stealing some of your hair, fingernail clippings, toothbrush, discarded q-tips, fingerprints, stool samples, library card, or even by taking a picture of you
  4. Clone flatulence smells of sulfur
  5. In 2005, 17 people died from cloning or of clone-related causes in the U.S.
  6. Clones have no souls and can't go to Heaven (or Hell for that matter!)
  7. Michael Jackson never underwent plastic surgery; he is actually a 5th generation clone
  8. Clones hate oatmeal
  9. If a clone mates with another clone or (God forbid) an original, its offspring will be sterile
  10. All clones are lactose intolerant
  11. Militant Islamic extremists invented cloning in the early '90s to destroy America
  12. Don't feed clones after midnight
Please, don't believe everything you read.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Dear Kansas City Drivers

Did you know that you can go just as fast as the car in front of you without riding three feet from its back bumper? I've known this little tidbit for years, but I thought I'd pass along the secret to everyone else. Happy driving!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Make the Poor Poorer

People with bad credit scores are obviously going to be bad employees. Don't hire them.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Good Friends Die Hard

I haven't really made any new friends here in KC. That's not a bad thing. But when I would fantasize about what my future here would be like a few months ago, I imagined working with a bunch of young people my age who I'd have a drink with after work, or seeing people that lived around me out at the bars -- becoming friends with my neighbors and coworkers. So far, I've only been around my roommates and the people from KC that I already knew. Again, that's not a bad thing, just different from what I expected.

I'm glad it turned out this way, though. Because as much as I like being alone sometimes, I really hate being lonely.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Expense Control Clerk

I started my new job two weeks ago. When I got there, my desk was bare -- not because I was only a new employee, but because the week before, while my supervisor was on vacation, other people from the accounting office raided my desk. Thank god they left the computer and roll of tape (sans tape dispenser). My supervisor scrounged around for some pens, and then pulled a brand new 10-key (Yes, I actually have to use it.) and electronic staple out of storage, I guess because she felt sorry for me. I got my magnetic key card last week and should be getting my photo ID badge sometime this week.

As far as the work goes, it's not hard. I receive checks from various places, put them in a box, send forms to other various places, and wait for the forms to come back and tell me what to do with the checks in the box. It's a mystical process, the details of which I'm still trying to figure out. Aside from that, part of my job is to show confusing forms or checks to my boss, have her say, "Oh, I'll show you how to do that later," and wait at my desk for her to never come over. I also check my email, which I'm not sure if that is kosher yet, but I do it anyway.

I take brakes with Donna, the woman with the desk next to mine. She's pretty nice. She helps me with questions, and we dance in our chairs together when we hear a loud cell phone ringtone from out in the field of cubicles. We takes me to lunch with her and her friend from Accounting, because I don't have any friends of my own yet, unless you count her.

So, I do some sort of work, and the company gives me a paycheck. This process is not foreign to me, but is somehow different than my previous jobs. Before I would always produce a tangible product or perform a visible service for a customer as the main focus of my job. Here I am a middleman between several different departments, passing along information that could be gained through direct contact between those departments.

I'm not sure what I do or why I keep doing it, but for the time being, doing this will do me just fine.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Found Poem (from a Spam Email)

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Thursday, July 27, 2006

New Therapy

“Good job!” Sandy told her daughter with a wide smile and strained enthusiasm. “That was a good ride, huh?” Sandy cheered on her daughter and stepped toward the horse.

“Yeah, I guess,” the thirteen-year-old girl said from atop an old brown mare. “Can you get me down now?” she sighed.

Sandy looked up at her daughter with bright eyes and a grin, but this façade was starting to show a few cracks. “Sure, honey.” With the help of the side-walker, the adolescent strained to swing one leg over the horse’s back and slid down the other side into her mother’s arms. Sandy handed the girl her cane, an ugly bare-metal crook with a four-pronged bottom. As the girl tried to hobble away, her mother yanked on the girl’s cumbersome back brace, trying to readjust it into its proper position. The daughter scolded her mother in embarrassment and struggled to get away. Sandy released her grip. The skinny girl wobbled, still unsteady on two legs and a cane. Despite her back brace, she still seemed to slouch, and her shoulders hunched over.

“That was a good job, Miranda,” said a man standing by the gate to the arena. To Miranda, he sounded just as insincere as her mother had.

“Dr. Kammerich, what are you doing here?” asked Sandy.

The doctor smiled and looked into the perpetually uncertain face of the young girl. “I need to talk to you about something. Something that might turn out to be very good news,” he addressed them both.

Miranda was tired of adults pretending to be happy around her. “Are you going to give me robot legs?” The two adults ignored her with more fake smiles and laughs. As she galloped like a snail beside them, they exchanged small talk about her progress with her equine therapy. Her mother told an embarrassing story about her first ride when she had nearly fallen off. Miranda rolled her eyes. The three reached the car and stopped. Dr. Kammerich laughed lightly. “Well, what I’ve got to tell you may change that. I’d like to start Miranda on a new therapy.”

“A new one?" Sandy was nervous. She knew how much stress these therapies were on her daughter. She hoped her already frustrated child wouldn't become even more upset. "This therapeutic riding seems to really be working, right Miranda?” Sandy said, gently tugging on her daughter’s ponytail.

“It’s better than the water therapy,” the girl said dryly. “I almost drowned, like, a thousand times.” Miranda laughed and snorted. Her mother smiled.

“Well, this therapy isn’t like that. It’s more medicinal.”

“We’re already doing the steroids once a week. And the supplements…” Sandy trailed off.

“It’s a new therapy that would preclude all the other ones.” He looked to Miranda. “You wouldn’t have to swim or ride horses or get steroids anymore.”

“That’d be cool,” Miranda said unconvinced.

“What kind of therapy is it? Why didn’t you tell us about it before?” asked Sandy. She was becoming suspicious.

“It’s a new therapy. It’s,” Dr. Kammerich hesitated, “experimental.” He knew he’d chosen the wrong word as soon as he said it.

“How experimental?”

The doctor looked from mother to child. “Miranda would be the first.”

Sandy looked down at her daughter, a thin frame leaning up against the family station wagon. Her overenthusiastic veneer fell from her face. She took Dr. Kammerich by the arm and pulled him off to the side. “I don’t want Miranda to be some guinea pig, having scientists and doctors poking and prodding her more than they already do. I don’t want her to be any more unhappy than she already is.”

“I understand your concern;” Dr. Kammerich continued, choosing his words carefully, “however, this might not just be a therapy. It could be a cure.”

“There is no cure for muscular dystrophy,” Sandy said.

Dr. Kammerich smiled. “Not yet.”

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Bad Things, Good People

Bad things never happen to good people. Things happen to people, and then we decide which people and things are good and which are bad. And for some reason this matters, this goodness and badness. We can never just accept that things happen.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Ununemployed

I finally got a job! I start working the seventh of August at Farmers Insurance as a Expense Control Clerk.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Interview

Miranda disembarked from the elevator and looked around. To her right was the humming of office work: keyboards clacking, papers shuffling, people talking, and the occasional phone ringing. To her left was a high counter with two women behind it – one busy signing for a delivery and assuring someone over the phone that she had indeed scheduled the meeting for the next day, the other hardly moving, staring through thick-rimmed glasses at a computer screen. Miranda approached the latter. “Hello, my name is Miranda. I have an appointment with Mr. Sunder ... at two ....” She stopped. The woman with glasses didn’t even look up.

“What do you need, hon?” the other woman asked, cradling the phone in her neck and handing a clipboard back to the delivery man. “Yes, I sent him the file as an attachment last week,” she said into the phone.

“I’m here to see Mr. Sunder.”

“You have to unzip the file first before you can open it,” the reception said, then without missing a beat, “He’s down the hall on your left. Take another left at the water fountain. You’ll see a whole bunch of conference rooms on the right; his office is right across from those.”

“Not anymore,” the secretary with glasses finally spoke in a nasal east-side accent.

“What?” the other woman said, perhaps into the phone or perhaps to the secretary with glasses.

“Not anymore,” the woman with glasses said without looking up from her computer. “He moved to the fifteenth floor two weeks ago. They finally finished his office up there. It’s supposed to be real nice. Marie – Marie-from-HR Marie – she got the job as his new receptionist. She said it’s the easiest job in world. She said he’s not even in most days, and when he is in, he’s only there for a few hours, has one meeting and then goes home. She’s so lucky. I wish I had nothing to do.”

“I’m telling you, I sent the right file. It is just in zip format. You have to unzip it!” The other secretary had shifted attention to a fax machine that wouldn’t relinquish an apparently important document.

The woman with glasses finally looked up, saw Miranda still patiently waiting at the counter, and said with a fake pleasantness, “Fifteenth floor. Can’t miss it.”

Alex sat in his rolling office chair behind a large wooden desk in an ornately furnished fifteenth floor office. It was the only office on the fifteenth floor but was small enough to make room for his conference room, washroom, gym, dining room, napping room, and the fifteenth floor’s lobby that housed his secretary.

A voice sprang from the intercom. “Your two o’clock is here to see you, Mr. Sunder.”

“Thank you Marie. Send her in.” Marie showed the shy, young woman into the office. Miranda shook Alex’s hand and took a seat in one of the big leather chairs facing the desk. “Thank you, Marie. Could you bring us some bottled water? Thanks.”

Alex looked over the young girl sitting before him. She was shorter than he expected, and younger. She seems shy and unsure of herself. Alex had immediate reservations. Still she had interest enough to answer the ad and guts enough to actually show up. “Where are you from?”

Miranda cleared her throat and said, “I’m living in an apartment on the east side, down on 101st.”

Alex smiled. “Where’s that accent from?”

“Oh, well, I grew up in the Midwest.”

Grew up? Alex thought, This girl is still growing up. “Any place I’d know?”

“A small town in the middle of nowhere.” Miranda shrugged.

“Well, let’s get down to it. Why do you want to be a sidekick to a superhero?”

Miranda looked around nervously. “Because I have a power?”

“A superpower?”

“I guess.”

Alex leaned in, interested. “Oh do you now?”

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Confession

Unless I'm in a hurry, I sit down to pee. You know why? Because it's comfortable and because I can. If that makes me less of a man, then so be it; I'm less of a man who takes comfortable pisses.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Ghost Stripper

Have you ever wanted to see a ghost stripper? I did, once. How foolish and naive I was back then.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Pledge of Allegiance

I never knew that the Pledge of Allegiance was such a young tradition. I had always figured that it was as old as the flag itself.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

00010011

life and death are an
existential datastream
of ones and zeros.

Circa Now