Thursday, May 26, 2005

Nic-O-Bob Nuffins

Thank you. I hope you know that you mean so much more to me than I ever would mention. It is because you don't shake reluctant words and unfamiliar emotions out of my mouth like some others do (;P) that I've never said so. We've always had an unspoken bond. Thank you for being silent with me.

Thank you for missing me when I wasn't around and being annoyed when I was. Thank you for being easy to make fun of and hard to offend. Thank you for laughing at my lame jokes and shaking your head at my good ones. Thank you for being right in front of my face, and thank you for standing in the background. Thank you for playing second fiddle, and thank you for singing lead vocals. Thank you.


As if having most of my friends leave me in Kirksville wasn't bad enough, even my cat abandoned me. When I got back from Florida he apparently ran away. It's been four days since I've been back, and I haven't seen him yet.

I guess this whole experience has taught me something, though. Sometimes people (and cats) slip in and out of your life. Without warning they are here, then gone. You can't take anyone for granted, because tomorrow they might not be around. It's too bad I didn't learn this lesson before everyone left me.


This is what has happened in the past two weeks:

Finals. They weren't too bad this semester. That's about all there is to say about that.

All my friends graduated. Well, not all of them, but all of my friends from freshman year. Stellar, Nico, Jaysix, Pfaff, and Sammy are gone. Sometimes I was mad that they were leaving me. Sometimes I was jealous that they are starting the rest of their lives. Sometimes I was sad that they wouldn't be around anymore. I am so selfish.

I went to a bandfest with Magster, Steve D, BJ, and some of BJ's friends. The ride down was a little sad (I had just said 'goodbye' to Stellar), but stoned Magster put a smile on my face that lasted the entire weekend. I especially liked her licking ranch dressing off my face and 'dancing' with her to Breaking Benjamin. It was a very Maggie trip. I hope I never get tired of that girl.

Promptly after I got back from the bandfest, I packed up for a roadtrip with my roommates from freshman year (Jaysix, Pfaff, and Sammy). We went to Florida. Mother fucking Panama City Beach, Florida. It rocked. My favorite part was getting high with Jaysix and then playing in the waves. The pictures from the trip are soon to come.

Well, now I'm back, tanned, and missing my old friends. Luckily, quite a few of my fraternity brothers are taking some classes this summer, so this summer I won't be totally lonely.

Well, that's Half of May in Review. I'll probably be updating pretty regularly this summer since I'll have nothing better to do. Seeya later, folks!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


Yet another day seems like it’s wasted
You don’t feel you’re any closer to the prize
A dead end job where there’s no future
Praying that tomorrow things won’t be this way
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know that you won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won’t last forever
Yet another day, another tired morning
You’re catching up to your intentions
You’re thinking life has to be easier than this
Maybe tomorrow things won’t be this way
Loneliness won’t last forever
I promise with all that’s in me to leave this emptiness behind


Friday, May 06, 2005

Another Meme

[taken from Stellar, who took it from someone else, who took it from someone else...]

Name six things in your purse/wallet
* Various useless receipts
* $28
* Hastings gift card
* Concervation Employee's Credit Union membership card
* My crappy new Drivers Liscence that is not nearly as cool as my old one in which I had a 'fro
* A credit card that constantly reminds me that I will surely be in debt for the rest of my life

Name five things that made you happy this week
* Having Dr. Woehlk, my boss, ask me if I was alright and saying that I was "a good kid"
* Reading one of Stellar's posts
* Five-dollar All-You-Can-Drink at Woody's
* Spending almost an etire day with The Magster
* Hanging out with Justin & Pfaff

Name four things you'd like to do before the end of your lifetime
* Live
* Write a novel
* Have a novel published
* Travel through Europe

Name three things you plan on doing this weekend
* Superhero party (I'm going as Megaman)
* Lloyd's party in Kimball's
* Working

Name two things you'd buy for yourself if you had the money
* A new car
* A new computer

Name one good thing about the last person you talked to
* Pfaff and I just have complimentary senses of humor. And when you get us together, we can entertain ourselves for hours just talking about all sorts of pointless bullshit.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Straightforward and Disjointed

OK, fuck that last post. Here's the deal: I'm not happy. And that's the problem.

Recently, I've been driving around. Just driving. Alone. And thinking. And that's a metaphor for my life right now. I'm aimlessly driving around without a definite destination. I drive around for hours, not getting anywhere, and eventually, I give up on finding whatever it is I'm looking for, and I head back home disappointed.

I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of pretending I'm not. I'm tired of not telling anyone what I'm thinking. And I'm tired of writing a goddamn blog post whenever I have something significant to say. But here I am.

My heart pounds, my legs are shaking, and my teeth both tingle and feel numb at the same time. It's like being on cocaine, without the euphoria. In fact, if there is an exact opposite of 'euphoria,' that's what it feels like. I don't cry from eyes, but from somewhere deep in my skull and far down in my chest. The windshield wipers can't clear away a torrential rain of tears. My foot shakes on the gas pedal.

I shouldn't be sitting in silence with my friends and then crying alone. I'm so distant, sometimes even from myself. I even tricked myself into believing that I was fine.

With a lump in my throat I explained something like the truth to a man at the University Counseling Services today. He nodded at all the right places and asked me all the cliche questions a councilor should. Then he told me, in not so many words, that the only thing that was keeping me from being happy was me. I came to realize that I lack focus: Instead of being unhappy in general, I should find those things that specifically make me unhappy, and kick those things' asses.

Well, I found one. I feel stupid, because this one's pretty hard to miss. It's been right in front of me, that huge fucking wall that I've been erecting, brick by brick, since (I'm guessing) 7th grade, but it may have been before that, and I just don't remember. It's pretty big now, and I don't even know how thick. So, it's not like I didn't know it was there, I just didn't see it as a problem. It protected me. From everyone else. The problem was, it couldn't protect me from me.

The USC guy also told me something else important. I don't remember how he put it, but here's my take on it: Don't try to fix everything all at once. There is no magical Happy button that makes everything all better. Nothing -- no place, no drug, no friend, no girl -- will make me completely happy. I'm responsible for that part. They might help, but I have to be happy with myself to be completely happy.

'Happy' is such a stupid word now.

I continued to drive. No more crying. I was done with that shit. I pressed down on the gas and flew down the highway, faster and faster still. I crashed into that wall around me. I wrecked my car and only made a crack in it. But I will get out. Eventually.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Broken Promise

I told myself that I wouldn't do it, censor myself. But if there's one thing that I've learned about myself over the years it's that I can't keep promises, especially one's made to myself.

So, anyway, I've been meaning to post something for a while now, but never got the guts to do it. So then, I decided to make one of those ambiguous posts about it, but that would just lead to people asking me a whole bunch of annoying questions and prying and whatnot.

Then I came upon a good idea: I will, instead of actually making the post, just answer the questions that I'm sure would have been generated from publishing it!

So, yes, this post is about you. No, it really doesn't matter that much, I just needed to vent. No, you don't need to apologize. And, yes, you should probably stop asking me questions about it.

Circa Now