Friday, September 29, 2006


The best compliment I have received in a long while came from my once and present roommate Justin last week. He said that when buying clothes for his new job, he used me as a point of reference, citing my style as "business casualy, but classy" and "pimp." I've never really been known for being fashionable and, outside of wearing a tuxedo, have rarely ever been complimented on my dress, so this was real flattery.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

High-Fiving Mother Fucker

Last weekend I was sitting outside of The Beaumont Club with one of my friends, waiting for our other friends to emerge. This took longer than expected, so I decided to entertain myself to pass the time. I decided to solicate high fives from everyone trickling out of the bar. Quite a few opted to slap hands, some were reluctant, most walked on past, but one group's reaction was especially memorable.

I believe I was trying to spark up a conversation with the girl eating a burrito when two badasses walked out of the bar. You could tell they were badasses because they wore their hats backwards and walked with a strut something like that of an upright gorilla with one leg asleep and the other affected by palsey. As I had with everyone else emerging from the egress, I offered my hand in a high-five. They ignored it and walked past.

Moments later another badass exited and walked in my direction. I again offered my hand. This time, from over my shoulder I heard one of the original badasses shout a warning, "Beau, don't give that faggot a high five!" Beau glanced at his buddies, looked at my hand, and kept walking.

I was not really phased by this; I expected such reactions from passers-by. The point of what I was doing was not to get high fives, but to get reactions. This reaction, though, seemed ludicrous. I can't help but imagine what it must have been like for Beau when he caught up with the other badasses.

"Beau, did you see that faggot high-fiving people? And you almost high-fived him! I can't believe you. You almost high-fived a faggot! Do you realize what could have happened? You could have high-fived that faggot, caught the gay, and at this moment you would have faggotry and sodomy coursing through your very veins! I'm glad I said something. I'm glad I saw you in time and told you not to high-five that faggot.

"I don't know what I would have done if you had. I was scared for you, man, real scared. I'm just glad that you're safe now. Hug me, bro. Hold me. I can't believe that faggot. What was he trying to do; queer-up everyone in the whole city by high-fiving them?

"Can you feel that? I'm shaking, Beau. That's how scared I was for you. I'm still shaking! Kiss me, Beau. Let me know that you're all right. Kiss me like you mean it. I want to feel safe again, Beau. I want to feel safe in your arms, kissing you, knowing damn sure that you're not a faggot.

"Beau, could you slip a finger in my butt?"

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Little-Known Facts about Cloning

In addition to these "facts" about cloning, here are some more truths about cloning:

  1. Clones retain the memory and thoughts of the original, lacking only the original's conscience and sense of morality
  2. The only way to tell the clone from the original is that the clone will not have birthmarks or scars, and will, of course, have a menacing goatee
  3. Someone can clone you simply by stealing some of your hair, fingernail clippings, toothbrush, discarded q-tips, fingerprints, stool samples, library card, or even by taking a picture of you
  4. Clone flatulence smells of sulfur
  5. In 2005, 17 people died from cloning or of clone-related causes in the U.S.
  6. Clones have no souls and can't go to Heaven (or Hell for that matter!)
  7. Michael Jackson never underwent plastic surgery; he is actually a 5th generation clone
  8. Clones hate oatmeal
  9. If a clone mates with another clone or (God forbid) an original, its offspring will be sterile
  10. All clones are lactose intolerant
  11. Militant Islamic extremists invented cloning in the early '90s to destroy America
  12. Don't feed clones after midnight
Please, don't believe everything you read.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Dear Kansas City Drivers

Did you know that you can go just as fast as the car in front of you without riding three feet from its back bumper? I've known this little tidbit for years, but I thought I'd pass along the secret to everyone else. Happy driving!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Make the Poor Poorer

People with bad credit scores are obviously going to be bad employees. Don't hire them.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Good Friends Die Hard

I haven't really made any new friends here in KC. That's not a bad thing. But when I would fantasize about what my future here would be like a few months ago, I imagined working with a bunch of young people my age who I'd have a drink with after work, or seeing people that lived around me out at the bars -- becoming friends with my neighbors and coworkers. So far, I've only been around my roommates and the people from KC that I already knew. Again, that's not a bad thing, just different from what I expected.

I'm glad it turned out this way, though. Because as much as I like being alone sometimes, I really hate being lonely.

Circa Now