tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41525162024-03-13T08:32:15.211-05:00Cynical McBastardknown to cause cancerZach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.comBlogger707125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-14404770404979888202012-03-18T17:09:00.000-05:002012-03-18T17:09:21.596-05:00Qu'est Que C'estI'm sitting on my floor naked, eating Life cereal at 4 in the afternoon out of what I assume was intended to be a small dog food bowl, responding to Craigslist "roommate wanted" ads and trying not to sound like a psycho killer. Yeah, this is going to go well.<br />
<br />
I've enjoyed living by myself for this past year, but I feel like I've become somewhat isolated from my friends. I think I can blame some of this on the fact that I had a girlfriend for most of the last year who wanted me to spend our free time together or out with her friends. But to pin this all on her would be unfair, as I was the one who constantly obliged her instead of saying, "No, I think I'll find out what my friends are doing this weekend."<br />
<br />
And even since I've been single again, I feel like I've spent most of my time alone in my studio. This is not to say I haven't enjoyed my time by myself (I could go for days reading comics, watching Netflix, and tinkering with bits of code!), but I don't know how healthy this is for my interpersonal development and psychological health.<br />
<br />
When I'm by myself, it's so easy for me to ignore the rest of the world and live inside my own bubble. There's no one to come into my room and snap me out of it by asking me if I want to try out a new restaurant or go to a show. Or, conversely, there's no one to annoy me so much that I have to just get out of the apartment and be around other people. I've been living inside my little hermitage, and inside my own head, for this past year, and there's been hardly anyone to challenge me or motivate me.<br />
<br />
I'm hoping that living with people again, albeit even with strangers, will help me to re-enter society. Or at least prevent me from talking to myself so much.Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com4Chicago, IL, USA41.8781136 -87.629798241.6889521 -87.94565519999999 42.067275099999996 -87.3139412tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-26007784284418958662012-02-19T19:04:00.001-06:002012-02-19T19:11:21.476-06:00Dating AgainIf you had told me ten years ago -- hell, even two years ago -- that I would frequently be going on multiple dates with beautiful women, I would have been incredulous, to say the least. But my dating ventures of late have been incredibly different from anything I've ever experienced before. Recently, women have gladly accepted my first date proposals, and most have been earnestly interested in second and third rendezvous, some even making the suggestions themselves! Even those that haven't been interested in dating further have cordially explained that they were not interested. I have not been on a bad date since I started dating again in December.<br />
<br />
All of this is not to brag. I mention these things to contrast them to the previous four years of dating. Sure, I went on the occasional first date, some with women I was attracted to, and I met someone who would later become a great friend (and former roommate). I even had a short-lived relationship that I was pretty satisfied with (until the end, obviously). But I never found dating particularly enjoyable. It always seemed like a means to an end, a necessary evil if I was ever going to find a partner in crime.<br />
<br />
So, for the past month or so I've been trying to account for this stark difference. How have I been able to go on more dates with more women in the past two months than in my entire time in Chicago previous to this; and why is dating all of a sudden fun?<br />
<br />
One of my friends has suggested that confidence is the reason. And perhaps I am more confident now than in the past. Since moving to Chicago, I've definitely become increasingly more self-reliant and self-assured. Though, when it comes to women, the intelligent and beautiful ones still intimidate me as much as they did in 6th grade. Perhaps I'm just slightly better at not being awkward about it now.<br />
<br />
Another possible factor is that I don't take dating so seriously now. I used to feel that there was something riding on each date, that I had to do something impressive and say the right things and be on my best behavior or else ... or else what, I'm not sure. I don't know what the impetus for the change was, but recently I've ditched that sentiment in favor of doing whatever the hell I feel like. I only suggest activities for dates that I would do anyway on my own and I don't try to play down the fact that I'm kind of a weirdo. I've eschewed any sort of agenda and just focus on having a good time with a new and interesting person. I definitely feel more relaxed now, and I'm sure my dates appreciate the sincerity, even if they aren't particularly a fan of my oddball demeanor.<br />
<br />
I think, though, that the most important explanation as to why I'm enjoying dating so much at the moment is due to the women that I've chosen to date. For whatever reason, I had previously been attracted to energetic and boisterous women, the ones that ooze charisma and laugh loud enough for the whole room to hear them. However, past and recent experience has shown me that this may not be the ideal type of woman for me. Instead, I've been shifting my focus to the more reserved, demure set. I'm finding that these women tend to better appreciate my subtle (oh-so-subtle) charm, and, in turn, I'm much more able to relate to them.Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-22861188115425348982011-03-12T15:45:00.000-06:002011-03-12T15:45:06.109-06:00Get All Your Friends Together and Scream ThemAt 7pm last night, I shut down my work computer, finished the beer I'd been working on, and headed out the door. About a block away from our office is the "W" Cut Rate Liquors. As I approached I passed a small group of punk kids smoking cigarettes. Next to the entrance to the liquor store was a nondescript grey wooden door. I followed a couple of skinny-jean-clad guys through it and up the stairs. I paid the bored and disinterested guy outside the apartment a five and squeezed through the door that was partially blocked by a crowd that filled the whole front room.<br />
<br />
Thick-rimmed glasses, mohawks, tight jeans, brightly dyed hair, print dresses, hoodies, dreadlocks, flannel, baseball caps, scarves, polos, stocking caps -- the crowd contained a scenester from every genre imaginable (well, except for thugs). But instead of the cliquishness that one might expect, everyone was mingling, drinking, and laughing together.<br />
<br />
The opening acts played and the crowd hollered and applauded. I talked with a thirty-something guy and his boyfriend who recorded the whole show on his iPhone. I joked around with a tiny girl who offered to buy the underage skater kids next to her some beer from downstairs. A chick with a lesbian haircut and a Gatorade bottle filled with beer kept including me in her conversations. A girl who was entirely too drunk on whiskey Cokes introduced herself, her friend, and the girl next to her that I'd just watched her meet.<br />
<br />
After an hour and a half, the headliner, <a href="http://paulbaribeau.com/">Paul Baribeau</a>, came up "on stage" (I imagine it was a wooden box or a milk crate.) at the end of the living room and began to play. The whole crowd belted out the words and swayed in unison. My voice screamed out and joined the cacophony. For one moment I was able to connect with an entire group of people who I might otherwise never have come in contact or had anything in common with. The camaraderie of the crowd, the intimacy of a hundred people crowded into a tiny apartment, the anticipation, the excitement -- the memory of it is almost surreal, as if I watched it in a movie instead of having experienced it directly.Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-47749098133716262872010-11-23T23:15:00.000-06:002010-11-23T23:15:48.285-06:00SparringI had my first sparring match today, just one round. The coach kept telling me to loosen up and move around, but every time I did, I got hit. I only landed one or two decent hits. I've obviously got a long way to go. My partner said I did alright, though, for my first time.<br />
<br />
Also, one of the big guys -- a real (well, amateur, at least) fighter -- lost his dinner after a well-placed kick. Now I don't feel so bad about my similar episode a month ago.<br />
<br />
Out of the people that show up for the Muay Thai class regularly, I'm the smallest, weakest, and least experienced. This doesn't really bother me so much because this has been the case for every sport I've played, gym class I've been in, or test of athleticism I've participated in. I think the regulars know that I try to keep up as best I can.<br />
<br />
The thing that does get to me, though, is that I don't seem to be picking it up very quickly. I mean, I didn't expect to waltz into class and be a Thai boxing virtuoso, but I had hoped that I might have some aptitude for kicking people in the face. But I guess that's what practice is for. Like the coach told me after class a couple weeks ago, in his Desi Arnaz accent, "If everyone was good the first time, we would have too many champions."Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-50750869408323187782010-09-08T23:09:00.001-05:002010-09-08T23:09:21.870-05:00No Friends<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrmcbastard/4972619065/" title="No Friends"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4150/4972619065_4de4ac1027_m.jpg" alt="No Friends" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrmcbastard/4972619065/">No Friends</a> <br /> </span></div>Thanks for reminding me, iPod. <br clear="all" />Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-44919762385557755342010-06-14T21:36:00.002-05:002010-06-14T21:40:04.934-05:00Junk-Food-Flavored Health Food<p>As I sit here eating my cheeseburger-flavored Doritos, I wonder, how is it that we can make one junk food taste exactly like another, but we can't make celery taste like bacon?</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-74077133368127393842010-05-11T22:47:00.001-05:002010-05-11T22:47:00.731-05:00Don't Touch My Stash ... Mustache<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrmcbastard/4599941371/" title="shaving in increments 3"><img src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1237/4599941371_ecbae0b0c2_m.jpg" alt="shaving in increments 3" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrmcbastard/4599941371/">shaving in increments 3</a> <br /> </span></div><p>The sideburns and goatee are short now, but I didn't touch the mustache. The cool thing is that it's starting to curl at the ends. So, I've decided to keep it for a little while longer and see what a handlebar mustache looks like!</p><p>The roommates want me to buy some mustache wax. Do they even still sell mustache wax?</p><br clear="all" />Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-49118018164448991872010-04-28T23:37:00.001-05:002010-04-28T23:37:45.303-05:00Shaving in Increments<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrmcbastard/4561821799/" title="shaving in increments 1"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3395/4561821799_33154739f6_m.jpg" alt="shaving in increments 1" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrmcbastard/4561821799/">shaving in increments 1</a> <br /> </span></div><p>So, it seems the one thing people agreed upon was that the throat beard had to go. It was actually easier said than done; shaving under and around what I wanted to leave in place took some skill and patience. But after almost an hour of scraping at my skin, this is what I'm left with.</p><p>It's hard to tell in the pictures, but the sideburns are really long and stick straight out. I'm not sure how much I like them. I do like, though, that everything (the 'stache, the goatee, the chops) is angular and narrows down to a point. I think it makes me look almost sinister. (Insert evil laugh.)</p><p>While I'm planning on continuing to get rid of more of this facial shag, I think I might keep this configuration for a while, at least for a few days.</p><p>What do you think? Any opinions? Questions? Comments? Concerns?</p><br clear="all" />Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-6232786807010066292010-04-26T00:34:00.002-05:002010-04-26T00:37:01.972-05:00The Hobo Look is So Last Season<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrmcbastard/4553794694/" title="Mr Beardface"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4061/4553794694_2a64798a45_m.jpg" alt="Mr Beardface" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrmcbastard/4553794694/">Mr Beardface</a> <br /> </span></div><p>Spring is here, and I fear my abundance of facial hair may be too hot for the impending warm summer weather. But I don't think I'm ready to go clean-shaven just yet. So, I'm asking the intarwebs for help choosing my next facial hair configuration.</p><p>I've already had some good suggestions, but I want to have a wide range of options and a diverse group of people to blame for my poor grooming decisions. So far, it's been suggested that I:<ul><li>only keep <a href="http://hotbeans.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/mustache-_0009_tom-selleck.jpg" target="_blank">the</a> <a href="http://pageslap.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/wilford-brimley-jjpg.jpg" target="_blank">'stache</a></li><li>shave <a href="http://awaismasood.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/isaac-asimov.jpg" target="_blank">everything but the chops</a></li><li>or just shave the sides and keep the <a href="http://www.old-picture.com/civil-war/pictures/General-Wallace.jpg" target="_blank">mustache and chin beard</a></li></ul></p><p>Do you have any other suggestions?</p><br clear="all" />Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-36046205727372416262010-01-23T15:02:00.001-06:002010-01-23T15:25:54.125-06:00There Is No STFU in Team<p>I first noticed a reference to 'Team Edward' a year or so ago. I learned it had something to do with the Twilight series but didn't catch much more because the voice of the person explaining it to me was drowned out by the alarm going off on my I-Don't-Give-A-Shit-O-Meter. What I did hear, though, was that in these books Team Emo Kid is versus Team Wolf Man. I don't know what that means. Perhaps they're baseball teams, or maybe they're sled dog teams. Like I said, I don't care. Those Twitards can do whatever they want, as long as they leave me alone. I thought, at the time, that I had just learned Yet Another Useless Bit of Trivia<span>&trade</span>.</p>
<p>But then I saw it again recently. This time it was in reference to the Leno slash O'Brien Tonight Show debacle. Team Jay versus Team Conan (or Team Coco, affectionately) were the supporters of their respective favorite late night hosts. At first I wondered what the connection between Twilight and the Tonight Show was. I mean, the Tonight Show airs almost exactly equidistant from either period of twilight.</p>
<p>Then I saw it yesterday in a blog post about Fox News: Team Sarah (Palin) versus Team Glenn (Beck), the two talk show darlings of that network. Letting alone my confusion over why the viewers of these two pundits would be opposed, I was struck again that something so totally disparate would be alluded to in terms of Twilight.</p>
<p>And then it dawned (get it?) on me: People are trying to make this a thing.</p>
<p>So, I'm here to nip this in the bud. We're not doing that, sorry. We're not going to apply Team Whatever and Team Other Thing to all of our public discourse. We're not going to refer to celebrity disputes as Team Brad vs Team Angelina. We're not going to call the 2012 election Team Obama vs Team Huckabee. We're not going to refer to the war in Afghanistan as Team America vs Team Al Queda. It's asinine, it's reductionist, and we're <em>not</em> making this a thing, okay?</p>
<p>Some things you can say instead of "I'm on Team X" include:
<ul>
<li>"I think X is completely relatable"</li>
<li>"I support X"</li>
<li>"I'm on X's side of the debate"</li>
<li>"I thing X is the best of all options"</li>
<li>or simply "X!"</li>
</ul></p>
<p>I fear that I might be too late, though. This Team phenomenon has probably completely invaded popular culture already and I just haven't noticed until now. In which case, I would just like to say, I, for one, welcome our new Team Overlord.</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-39318704025058340402009-12-06T18:34:00.001-06:002009-12-06T18:43:25.835-06:00Chicago Dog<p>I finally had <a href="http://mrmcbastard.blogspot.com/2008/05/first-week-in-chicago.html">my first Chicago dog</a> yesterday, and I think I started out right. I waited in line in the freezing cold for about forty-five minutes to have my first taste of these legendary concoctions come from the <a href="http://www.yelp.com/biz/hot-dougs-chicago">acclaimed</a> <a href="http://www.hotdougs.com/">Hot Doug's Sausage Superstore and Encased Meat Emporium</a>. The wait was definitely worth it.</p>
<p>For the uninitiated, a Chicago dog consists of a grilled (not broiled), hot dog sharing a bun with a dill pickle spear. This is then topped with onions, tomato slices, mustard, and that phosphorescent, neon green relish that looks like it emits radioactivity. And if you wanted ketchup on your hot dog, <em>get the fuck out of Chicago!</em> There are a few more intricacies into what may and may not go on a Chicago dog, but those are the basics. And let me tell you, it is quite a treat.</p>
<p>In addition to making the Chicago standard, Hot Doug's also has specialty dogs that all look, smell, and sound amazing. I tried the rattlesnake sausage topped with several different cheeses and an interesting sweet sauce. I was expecting the meat to have that over-spiced taste that most game meats have to cover up the gamey-ness, but it tasted just like a poultry or a delicate pork sausage. It was very delicious.</p>
<p>I never really knew there was such a thing as gourmet hot dogs, but Hot Doug's showed me the error of my ways. I'll definitely have to go back some time, preferably when it's not freezing outside, though.</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-18356285351374785642009-11-25T21:33:00.000-06:002009-11-25T21:40:37.636-06:00You Can Catch More McBastards with Vinegar than HoneyTuna salad is really just an excuse for me to eat spoonfuls of mustard and pickles without worrying about anyone giving me guff. To me the tuna is just filler or a garnish. <br />Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-88283430122000207912009-11-21T16:23:00.004-06:002009-11-21T16:27:54.375-06:00Prove You're a Good American<p>Just in case you were looking to buy ol' Mr McBastard a gift for American Consumerism Holiday™, I've updated my <a href="http://mrmcbastard.blogspot.com/2006/12/wish-list.html">Wish List</a>.Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-21396276486876747432009-11-15T23:46:00.004-06:002009-11-16T00:33:48.458-06:00Mucca Pazza<p>To me, marching band always seemed pretty lame. In middle school and high school I chose to join the chess club, I was made captain of the junior varsity and then the varsity academic quiz bowl team, and was elected president of the drama club. I was essentially king among the dorks, and yet even I thought marching band was for losers. Last night I was shown just how wrong I was.</p>
<p>My blogger friend, <a href="http://www.thiswench.com">Rini</a>, and I went to a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjYkdVwVMVU">concert</a> of a band named <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mucca_Pazza">Mucca Pazza</a>. And for a bunch of marching band nerds, they rocked pretty hard.</p>
<p>Much of their music sounded gypsy-esque. (I actually have no idea what music gypsies play and/or listen to; this is the only way I can find to describe music that sounds eastern European but isn't oompahpah or polka. Think of a more upbeat Gogol Bordello, minus the singing.) It was lively and beat-driven and pretty intense. Adding to the intensity were the band's colorful array of tattered and modified band uniforms, their wacky stage antics (The trombone section was particularly entertaining.), the inclusion of some cheerleaders, and audience interaction. The show began with the band entering the house through the back, making their way through the crowd, and finally ending up on stage. And randomly throughout the show, some sections would jump off stage and start playing from on top of the bar or up in the balcony. Even if I hadn't liked the music, I would have found them entertaining to watch.</p>
<p>But I did enjoy <a href="http://www.myspace.com/muccapazza">their music</a>! I encourage anyone who is looking to find something a little different and unique to listen to, especially someone who was once a high school band nerd, to check them out. And I highly recommend catching a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzbBVTk06_M">live show</a> if you can.</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-28820212013597564242009-11-04T23:27:00.004-06:002009-11-04T23:35:18.518-06:00White Castle Memory<p>Today I had White Castle for lunch. Up to then, I had not had a genuine White Castle slider in about a decade. It was as delicious as I remember, and even more satisfying was that my memory of it actually lived up to reality.</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-77319736501967763742009-10-14T19:40:00.004-05:002009-10-15T20:22:11.220-05:00Mismanagement 101<p>I think they must teach this in a business class or something:
<ol>
<li>Discover a competent employee who understands complex directions and takes initiative</li>
<li>Reward him with compliments, raise</li>
<li>Give him more autonomy and trust him to set his own priorities</li>
<li>Get rid of employee's not doing as well</li>
<li>Give incompetent employees duties to competent employee</li>
<li>Promise to hire people to work under competent employee and also to have developers create workflow management tools to aid him in his job</li>
<li>Never make good on your promises</li>
<li>Continue to grow your business but not to scale it in any reasonable way, giving competent employee even more work</li>
<li>Half-heartedly listen to competent employee's request for help more manpower</li>
<li>Hire incompetent temp to do work that you didn't trust incompetent full-time employees to do</li>
<li>Fire temp; wonder why temp didn't work out</li>
<li>Confront competent employee about his duties not getting done</li>
<li>Tell competent employee that you will begin to prioritize his work for him</li>
<li>Don't prioritize his work for him</li>
<li>Have competent employee explain to you just what is so hard about his job</li>
<li>Disregard his attempt to tell you that the two halves of his job are actually two jobs requiring two employees</li>
<li>Inform him that one of the "halves" is the most important part of his workload, but that it should only be taking him one or two hours a day maximum</li>
<li>Constantly and with suspicion question once-competent employee about what he is currently working on</li>
<li>Act surprised when employee is disgruntled</li>
</ol></p>
<p>Seriously, I've seen this happen before to a number of coworkers, and have even experienced it first hand. Where do managers pick this stuff up?</p>
<p> Maybe I'm being a bit over-dramatic here. I mean I still like my job and, despite me no longer thinking he's a good manager, I still like my boss. And I don't plan on quitting any time soon.</p>
<p>This all stems from my work getting increasingly difficult as our company grows, but no one listening to me asking for help. But the kicker is what happened today. Basically, my boss sat down behind me today and told me, in so many words, to prove that I was actually working and not jackassing around.</p>
<p>It is beyond annoying that he doesn't realize that I'm working diligently, no matter how hard I try to explain and demonstrate that fact. Hell, one night last week I didn't even go home! I stayed at the goddamn office all night because I was that dedicated to getting a project done. But now it's in doubt whether or not I'm wasting time.</p>
<p>Part of me wants to become the incompetent employee I'm assumed to be. I would get to be lazy and would not shatter anyone's current expectations. Another part of me wants to put even more hours in, get everything that is done that is expected of me, no matter the cost to my personal life or health. I would get to be a martyr and could revel in my own self-righteousness. The more reasonable part of me, though, knows that I should just keep doing what I'm doing: working as hard as I can, within reason, and doing my best. It's not my job to make sure the business is being managed properly. If my boss sees that work is not getting done and can do nothing more about it than blame an employee that is already working hard, then that is not my problem. If it comes to me being fired for incompetence, then he is even more stupid than I thought.</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-15937022433934868402009-09-20T13:41:00.003-05:002009-09-20T13:44:24.130-05:00Crappy Idea<p>I'm thinking of starting a new blog entitled <span style="font-style:italic;">My Magnificent BM and Other Colontastic Adventures</span>.</p>
<p>Its content will at least be better than the shit on this blog.</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-20495469819370722612009-09-05T18:54:00.001-05:002009-09-05T19:38:40.528-05:00Dear Paul Baribeau<p>I tried to listen to your first, self-titled album the other day on my way home from work, but I had to turn it off after a few songs. I didn't feel like breaking out into tears on the bus. You should really be more considerate of those in your listening audience who don't like experiencing emotions.</p>
<p>Perhaps you could tone down the references to events in your life that are eerily similar to the life experiences of certain audience members. And perhaps you could be a little less accurate in describing the thought processes and justifications of actions of those who relate to your songs. In short, it would be much appreciated if you didn't make your listeners want to laugh and cry and shout, sometimes all within the same song. Perhaps something a little more poppy-sounding with a little less substance?</p>
<p>Looking forward to hearing bland and uninspired music from you in the future,</p>
<p>Your fan</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-51977068122184998332009-08-22T13:45:00.002-05:002009-08-22T13:47:37.617-05:00Shower<p>Do you ever get out of the shower all clean and shiney, and then you think to yourself, "Dammit! I forgot to masturbate?"</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-21504104643625905562009-08-19T23:43:00.002-05:002009-08-19T23:47:39.398-05:00Lying<p>I forgot to mention that a week or two ago the president of my company said, "Morning, Josh," as I was walking into the building.</p>
<p>"Morning," I replied, "but I'm not Josh." I really shouldn't lie to people like that.</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-5096348657251713492009-08-18T23:17:00.000-05:002009-08-18T23:30:04.028-05:00Frustrating<p>I know my previous posts about my new job have been just short of gushing, making it seem as though I've found the most awesome job in the world, so I thought I'd make a post about how it does frustrate me sometimes.</p>
<p>The "president" of the company ... (Tangent: In such a small company, traditional corporate titles become ridiculous, being both ostentatious and not descriptive enough. Our president is a figurehead for the company, but he also is the sales department slash account representative slash the guy who smooths things over when shit goes wrong.) ... where was I?</p>
<p>Anyway, the president and I have very frustrating miscommunications sometimes. The miscommunications sometime come in the form of novel-length email strings or whole days of walking back and forth between each other's office looking confused. This is a result of us being two distinctly different types of people. In the time-honored tradition of reducing a complex society into an oversimplified dichotomy, he is a Talker and I am a Doer. (This is not to be confused with the <a href="http://mrmcbastard.blogspot.com/2007/12/thinking-versus-doing.html">Thinker vs Doer</a> generalization.)</p>
<p>Talkers react to issues that would best be solved by discussion and negotiation and schmoozing and other human interaction. Doers react to issues that would best be solved by planning and organizing and completing tasks. This is not to say that Talkers don't do anything, and that Doers don't talk. It's just that each group doesn't see what the other does as necessary to resolving an issue. They often can't see or don't understand the issues that the other can.</p>
<p>For instance, the president spends his day wheeling and dealing, and he finally pulls in an account. The talk is over, so to him the deal is done. The only thing that's left is that pesky problem of delivering on the promises he made during his speal. He doesn't care if what he promises is reasonable, feasible, or even doable. It's not an issue to him; he just talks until the deal is closed.</p>
<p>Enter me. I've got to make what he said we could do a reality. I need to take the client's specifications, and the extras he said we would do for them, and figure out a way to execute them. Whether or not he promised something we can't do or that can't be done is not an issue to me. It was just talk.</p>
<p>Obviously, this is where we don't see eye to eye.</p>
<p>When he closes a deal, he'll send me reams of email strings that criss-cross, overlap, back-track, and repeat themselves, as well specification documents that the client created and negotiation documents that he and the client made together. It takes me literally hours to sort through all this crap to find out what it is I'm supposed to do. There's stuff in there like, "Hey, it was good seeing you at the convention! Are you going to the next one?", "The next time you're in town, I know a great steak place to eat.", and "You have a great weekend with your daughter!" It's all mixed in with relevant details about the deal, which also might be mixed in with relevant details about other simultaneous deals. Writing code and entering information in to a database is easy. Parsing through this bullshit is one of more difficult parts of my job. It get's a little frustrating.</p>
<p>Similarly though, when he asks me for a status update on a project so that he can impress, reassure, or otherwise talk at his clients, I give him a list of what I've completed, what I am working on, and what I have left to do. He often gets flustered and asks, "Yeah, but is it done yet? What do I tell the client?" I'm trying to do something, and all he cares about is what he'll say.</p>
<p>So, there you have it. In summary, my job's not perfect, the world is full of confusion, and this post is done.</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-80920767293984047122009-08-10T23:58:00.003-05:002009-08-11T02:07:02.483-05:00Marriage<p>I don't get it. Apparently, you have a problem with people getting married. Well, not all people. You don't care if <a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,627413,00.html">some people get married</a>. And you don't care <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2004-01-04-britney_x.htm">how long they stay married</a>. And you really don't care <a href="http://thelongestlistofthelongeststuffatthelongestdomainnameatlonglast.com/most68.html">how many times they get married</a>. The confusing part is, you don't even seem to care <a href="http://blog.seattlepi.com/caninevoice/archives/136396.asp">what species is getting married</a>, just as long as one is male and the other is female. So, what's the deal with not wanting queers to marry? I must have missed the part where that seemed totally ridiculous.</p>
<p>Is this over the word? The <span style="font-style:italic;">word</span> 'marriage?' Is that what all the fuss is about? Fine, keep your stupid word. 'Marriage' can be a <span style="font-style:italic;">religious</span> ceremony between a man and a woman. Neat, now your precious word is still sacred. Now the rest of us will enjoy 'scribblybop,' a new word I just made up that signifies a <span style="font-style:italic;">legal</span> union between two consenting adults. Okay? Are you happy now? Your religion's got its word, the US has got its word, and never the twain shall meet. Done. Issue solved. Case closed.</p>
<p>But, just out of curiosity, what was it to you? What is so goddamned precious about your word? Is it some magic incantation? Is it a secret password? What is it? You fought so vehemently to protect it; it must have some special power that you're not telling us about. No? It doesn't? It's just some plain, ol', stupid word? Huh ... Weird.</p>
<p>Well, if we're just coopting words, then we get 'God.' You can't use 'God' to mean what it means to you any more. Yeah, sorry. We called it; you should have been quicker on the draw.</p>
<p>So, now we get to choose how to narrowly define 'God' to suit our whims. You can't use 'God' anymore to mean an excuse to be narrow-minded or as a means for being self-righteous in your persecution of others. Nope, sorry. We have a new definition of 'God.' Yeah, from now on, God is defined as a compassionate, all-loving force that unites humanity and is diametrically opposed to suffering and injustice. I guess you'll have to make up your own word for whatever you had been calling 'God' (and 'scribblybop' is already taken).</p>
<p><span style="font-style:italic;">For a more practical method of bringing about change than made-up words and sarcasm, <a href="http://www.mominreallife.com/">Mom in Real Life</a> would like <a href="http://www.mominreallife.com/2009/08/i-just-need-moment-of-your-time.html">a moment of your time</a>.</span></p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-77632766898297945462009-07-21T23:24:00.002-05:002009-07-21T23:41:59.346-05:00I'm Not Mad<p>The other day my roommates accused me of not having any emotions except for Anger, to which I rebutted that I did have emotions, such as ... Anger ... and Hunger ... and all the others that end in "-ger." I was later informed that Hunger is not an emotion.</p>
<p>I'm not sure why Anger is the only emotion I can fluently express. I was raised by parents who expressed the whole gamut of emotions -- indeed a mother so emotive I don't think she could hold her feelings in if her life depended on it. But Angry is the only emotional state people can readily identify in me.</p>
<p>I wouldn't consider myself a particularly angry person. I feel happy and sad and confused and surprised, as well. I'm predominantly not angry, preferring Contentment or Indifference instead. It just seems like the only feeling that seeps out from underneath this hardened exterior on a regular basis, in any noticeable terms, is a simmering rage.</p>
<p>Sometimes I'm anxious about it, worrying how this has, does, and will affect my friendships and relationships. Though I can't say that this behavior hasn't come without some <a href="http://mrmcbastard.blogspot.com/2008/02/broken.html">negative</a> <a href="http://mrmcbastard.blogspot.com/2008/11/holiday-spirit.html">consequences</a>, for the most part it's been tolerated. Not too many people yell at me, and I still have some friends left, so I see no pressing need to change. And if it were the case that I should change this about myself, would I even be able to? Plus, is a Happy McBastard any better than this current version?</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-39948133890955364382009-07-05T23:59:00.000-05:002009-07-06T01:50:17.140-05:00My Week as a Social Person<p><span style="font-weight:bold;">Or How to Make Friends and Influence People with Alcohol</span></p>
<p>In true McBastard fasion this post is a week late. The week before last I decided to take a tentative step out of the comfortable darkness of my hermitude and venture into the blindingly bright light of social interaction. Aside from the occasional taggings along with my roommates past and present, over the past year I've hardly made an effort to meet new people and make new friends. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I've felt that I may not be making the most of my experience in a new city. The other week, though, I made up for that a little bit.</p>
<p>First up was a date on Tuesday. I guess I have gone on several dates in the past year, so this is nothing new, <span style="font-style:italic;">per se</span>. But, to coin a phrase, one can never go on too many first dates. It was a pretty good date, too, in my opinion. We were just supposed to meet each other after work and get a couple drinks, but it turned into a dinner date. The bad part was that I drank way too much, but the good part was that she did too and didn't seem to notice. I'm hoping to arrange a second date for some time this week, but she just moved into a new place over the weekend, so I don't know how feasible that will be.</p>
<p>Most of the rest of the week was occupied by what the Intarwebs calls a "meetup" in which a group of people who've met online but usually have not met in meatspace get together and apparently drink copious amounts of alcohol. And that's just what we did.</p>
<p>On Thursday, I met up with some other twenty-something bloggers, from the aptly named <a href="http://www.20sb.net/">Twenty-Something Bloggers</a> community, for some Chicago-style pizza. And then we went to a bar and got drunk. On Friday, we skipped the dinner part and went straight to a bar. On Saturday, we met up at a wine tasting, then went to a bar, then went to dinner, and then went to another bar. On Sunday, we stroked our livers gingerly and went to the Pride Parade. Overall, it was a great success. I met some interesting local bloggers as well as a few from the far reaches of the country. Now I've got so many more blogs to read that'll never get bored. They even convinced me to get on Twitter. So now there's a whole new avenue through which I can annoy you, dear readers!</p>
<p>Now I must scurry back into my cave, biding my time until the next event lures me back into the sunlight.</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152516.post-20016586748679642412009-06-21T14:52:00.005-05:002009-06-22T02:04:37.090-05:00Interesting Start<p>Aside from the excitement of just having a new job, there have been several other interesting things happen at work.</p>
<p>The week before last, the guy who used to have my job, whom I assumed got promoted, was fired. It turns out he wasn't promoted, he was moved to a new position because he couldn't (or wouldn't) complete the tasks of my position. Apparently, he didn't do the work of his new position either, so they canned him. I guess I viewed this as a warning: Incompetence and laziness will not be tolerated.</p>
<p>This past week, my boss, the CTO, has been on vacation. Before he left, I got a crash-course in how to do my job. One of the last things he said before he left on Friday was that he was impressed with how much I've picked up. That was heartening.</p>
<p>Last Monday was the first day my boss was gone. A guy who started the same day as I did, and the only other tech guy in the place, left on his lunch break and never came back. This is more stunning than it is disappointing. I mean, to come in, get your paycheck, and then go on an early lunch, never to be heard from again -- that takes a disregard for professionalism that I doubt even I could muster. But, really, I'm not disappointed because he wasn't that cool of a person anyway. As far as coworkers go, I guess he was decent, but something about him was a bit off, and not in that nerdy, computer geek kind of way. He was bigoted, crass, and a bit full of himself. Plus he spoke in ghetto slang unironically. Imagine if Eminem had gotten a degree in computer science -- that's what this guy was like.</p>
<p>So, last week I'm the only tech-oriented person in the place and they've just launched a new web portal, and because the guy before me wasn't doing his job we're behind schedule on the old portal. On top of it all, I barely know how to do my job, I've got no direction from my absent boss, and I've got to figure out problems originally intended for the AWOL software engineer. I thought I was barely treading water. But, at the end of the week, the CEO came in to talk to me. He told me how impressed he was that I was getting so much done despite the circumstances. I was pretty relieved, though I know I'll feel even better when my boss is back next week.</p>
<p>It's been an interesting go so far. I hope everyone remembers how impressive I am when it comes time to hand out bonuses and raises. We'll see.</p>Zach Garwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04496847989245855874noreply@blogger.com0