Friday, June 27, 2003

"Just Don't Let Him Touch My Stash . . . Moustache"

It’s been a week now, and my attempts at growing a moustache have been completely unsuccessful. Damn my lack of sufficient testosterone levels!

Actually, it wasn’t a complete failure. I mean, I have a moustache, of sorts. It’s not the complete, bushy caterpillar that I was going for, but it is a moustache. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s like an inverse Hitler ‘stache; instead of trimmed to be only right under the nose, under the nose is the only place it didn’t really grow, leaving two out of place patches of hair above my lip on either side of my mouth. If I were to grow them out to about a foot long, braid them, and dye them grey, I would look like a wise old Chinese monk (sans the oriental facial features). Hey, that gives me an idea!

Monday, June 23, 2003

Why So Grim?

DEATH. Oh great, here he comes.

MAN. Who?

DEATH. The Angel of Death. He thinks he's hot shit because he’s got the title "Angel." Yeah sure, he gets to do the big stuff, but who's taken more lives over the course of history? Me. He does these big, sweeping, dramatic genocides every couple hundred years or so, but I'm the guy who works every day and every night, escorting the average Joe Blow into the Great Beyond. (To ANGEL of Death) Hey, what's up, Angel?

ANGEL. Hey, Reaps, how's it going?

DEATH. (To MAN) I hate it when he calls me that. (To ANGEL) So, got any big decimations coming up?

ANGEL. Yeah, actually I’ve got one coming up in about (looks at watch) forty or fifty years.

DEATH. Oh yeah?

ANGEL. Yeah, it's gonna be real big, too. I'm pulling out the Fire and Brimstone. It'll be like Sodom and Gomorrah all over again.

DEATH. (To MAN) Oh, here he goes. Once he gets started on Sodom and Gomorrah, he never stops.

ANGEL. Oh man, I'm really gonna have to rain down God's Wrath this time, literally. The work order calls for a flood immediately followed by "fire pouring down from the heavens." (Whispering) But between you and me, I think I'm just going to use some meteors. On fire, of course. That ought to be good enough for You-Know-Who. Man, I tell ya, That Guy calls for some weird stuff sometimes. I mean, come on! A flood and a rain of fire? Is that really necessary? But I just stopped questioning the Big Guy after He asked me to kill everyone in Egypt that didn't have their door painted with blood. Sometimes it's hard working directly the Man, Himself. But then again, it's hard work just being the Angel of Death.

DEATH. Hard work? When was the last time you had a job? The Bubonic Plague?

ANGEL. Yeah, and my shoulders are still sore from that one. Killing one third of the population of an entire continent is murder on your joints!

DEATH. Europe is the smallest continent!

ANGEL. By land mass. But it’s third smallest by population after Australia and Antarctica.

DEATH. (To MAN) Didn’t I tell you he was full of himself?

ANGEL. Do I detect some bitterness here? What is all this animosity directed towards me?

DEATH. You walk around here like you're so important when in reality you sit around on your ass for centuries at a time, only to get up for the occasional mass smiting, while I'm working day in and day out ripping souls from their bodies with this stupid thing (holding up scythe).

ANGEL. I think you're jealous.

DEATH. What?

ANGEL. I think you're jealous because I wield a great amount of power and can harvest many souls at one time. But that's just what I do. I'm sure you’re very good at what you do, too.

DEATH. You know, I can bring in a lot of souls at one time, too! I've done earthquakes! I've done plane crashes!

ANGEL. (Placatingly) I'm sure you have. Look, I don’t want to upset you. I was just passing by on my way to a meeting with the Big Guy. So, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go. (Exits)

DEATH. I hate that guy!

Thursday, June 19, 2003

I Don't Live Here Anymore

I need to get out of here. I need to leave my hometown. This is my second summer back from college. I'm already as lonely, depressed, confused, and angry as I was by the end of last summer.

It's like climbing back down into the valley after you've seen over the horizon from the top of the mountain.

Monday, June 16, 2003

What I Learned While Watching TV with My Dad


That is, don't watch television with my dad. Especially not a program on the Discovery Channel that you've been waiting to see for a week. If this program has anything to do with scientific theory or evolution, you will not get a chance to enjoy it.

I saw a commercial last week for Walking with Cavemen, a documentary on the evolution of homonids over the past 3.5 million years. It looked cool, so I made a mental note to watch it on Sunday the 15th, ten o'clock (nine o'clock Central). My dad was in the room when I changed the channel, so I knew I was gonna catch some flak. If it's not a rodeo, a horserace, or a western, my dad doesn't like it. But he surprisingly didn't leave the room. He sat down and prepared to watch it with me. I'd soon wish that he'd done otherwise.

As soon as the narration started, he turned to me and said, "This is one of those things where they try to find the 'missing link' isn't it?" I just nodded and continued to watch the TV. But throughout the whole show, my dad had many words of wisdom to share. Some of the highlights:

  • "You know, they always tell you there's a 'missing link' somewhere, but they've never found it . . . because it doesn't exist!"
  • "I think cavemen might have looked like monkeys, but that doesn't mean that man came from monkeys."
  • "All these scientists just get together and come up with an idea; they don't have any proof!"

You see, my dad is one of those Christians that mistakenly believes that all science is evil and somehow undermines and discredits his beliefs. Personally, when I was a Christian, I believed that Christianity and Evolution can go hand-in-hand; Evolution explaining the method and Christianity explaining the purpose of why we exist. I could never understand why people believed that belief in one excluded belief in the other. Why must science contradict religion, and vice versa? And now that I'm not a Christian anymore, I see that modern science doesn't contradict religion.

Because Modern Science is a religion. Science claims to be the pursuit of Truth. This is also true for every religion, from Buddists being reincarnated until they realize the ultimate truth and reach Nirvana, to Christians who believe that Jesus their savior is, in his own words, "the way, the Truth, and the light." Some would say that, unlike other religions, Science does not take anything on faith, that it must have evidence. But how is believing a hypothesis based on a theory based on postulate not taking something on faith? The truth is that Science can do no better than any religion at explaining the Creation, the End of the World, or anything in between. Modern Science does not have any more valid of an answer as to why we are here than any belief, religion, or crack-pot cult. In the end, it's all just a matter of believing in something -- anything -- to get you through the day without having to constantly question your existance.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

That's Pretty Amish of You

I forgot to mention this a while back: I saw a pretty Amish girl the other day. I know, it surprised me, too!

Well, if there are no Amish where you live, you may not understand. You see, the Amish aren't an attractive people. It's not that they're all ugly, but they're all so bland and average (kinda like their clothing). The women usually have robust facial features; they're also seldom thin, and often rather manish. So, to see an Amish girl that is actually pretty is quite a treat.

So, I see this young Amish woman (about sixteen or seventeen years old) standing in front of me at the check-out lane in Wal-Mart. I wouldn't have thought twice about it except that I noticed she seemed thin, even in her drab, home-made blue dress. She was standing in profile, but I couldn't see her face because of her black bonnet. But then she turned to look behind her and I caught a glimpse at her face. She had a slender face and refined features and several whisps of curly blonde hair draping over her forehead. I would never have guessed that she was Amish -- except for her attire and the large Amish woman and two Amish boys standing in front of her that assumably were her family. She didn't even have a greasy face, rough-looking skin, or any trace of a tan. I noticed that even her hands were dainty and feminine, unlike the thick, rough hands of the aforementioned large Amish woman.

It was almost as if she was just a "normal" girl pretending to be Amish, like she was wearing an Amish Halloween costume or something. I could almost picture her in a tank-top, hip-huggers, and flip-flops. She would fit right in with any other girl her age.

Or maybe she was just trying to start a trend. Like a fringe-of-society trend that will slowly become mainstream. First, there were the punks, then the emo-kids, and now the next big thing is the Amish look!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to go buy some brown work-shirts, suspenders, and a black hat so I can get in on this fad before it becomes so cool that it's uncool. Seeya!

Friday, June 13, 2003

Imaginary Conversation #2:
Familiar Female Friend

(The two ride in her car)

FFF: (Out of the blue) Would you go out with me?
McB: What do you mean?
FFF: What do you think it means?
McB: I don't know. Did you mean "Will you go out with me?" or "Would you go out with me?"
FFF: What's the difference?
McB: Well, one's a hypothetical question and the other one is an actual invitation.
FFF: Let's say it's a hypothetical question, what would your answer be?
McB: Ah, a hypothetical question within a hypothetical question.
FFF: (laughs) I know; I'm good!
McB: I guess, if it was a hypothetical situation, I'd go out with you.
FFF: Is your answer different for the non-hypothetical one?
McB: I think so.
FFF: You think so? How can you think so?
McB: Well, I don't know. I mean, yeah sure, it would be cool right now. But what would happen after the summer? We'll go back to living far away from eachother and . . .
FFF: So? We've both done the long-distance thing before.
McB: But I didn't really like it.

(long pause)

McB: What's wrong with 'us' the way we are now?
FFF: Nothing? I don't know . . .
McB: I mean, what would you change? Like, add the . . . physical stuff?
FFF: (laughs) Yeah, "the physical stuff" would be fun. That'd be part of it. But there'd be other, going-out stuff.
McB: Like what?
FFF: I don't know, stuff.
McB: Like, hypothetical stuff or real stuff?
FFF: Real stuff. Very, real stuff.
McB: Ooh, sounds exciting!
FFF: So, is that a 'yes?'
McB: I still don't know.
FFF: You suck.
McB: I know.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

The Reason Why

People not realizing this is why this happened.

Thank you, Jane Irony Doe, for putting it into words for me.

Thank You

It hurt me for a while
But two days of pain was worth
A lifetime of comfort
In knowing that 'we' didn't mean
As much to you as I had hoped
So, I guess there's just one thing
That I have left to say:
Thank you for everything

Thank you for kissing me
Like I had always dreamed
Thank you for holding me
I was never so warm
As when you were in my arms
Thank you for being so kind
Thank you for being so beautiful

But the best thing that you ever did
I never thanked you for
The best thing that you ever did
Was to forget about me
Thank you for forgetting about me
Thank you for forgetting me
Thank you

Monday, June 09, 2003

Seven Deadly Sins

1. Who did you last get angry with? Myself
2. What is your weapon of choice? My car
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Probably not
4. How about of the same sex? Yes
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? One of my old roommates
6. What is your pet peeve? Picking on the helpless
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I do still have some long-standing grudges, but for the most part, no.

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? Pray
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? I don't remember, but I have slept 15 consecutive hours
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: My grandparents
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? "I think I hear my mom calling me..."
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? Yes, I *heart* Ron Popeal!
6. When is the last time you got a good workout? I did push-ups and sit-ups the other day
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? Twice. Man, noon is just too early to wake up.

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Does Mountain Dew count?
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? Blood, mmmm. . .
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? I drank a 40oz in a about 5 minutes. It made me puke :(
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? Nope
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Spicy foods
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? "MUTILATE, TORTURE, RAPE," yes; but "LUNCH?" no.
8. What is the one food you can't resist, even if you are not hungry? Jell-O, but then again, there's always room for Jell-O.
9. Best school lunch? Friday's Pizza Day

1. How many people have you seen naked? Only a handful. Unfortunately, my family members are about half of them.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked? It just jumped from four to nine. Last weekend, five people were added to the list. Damn streaking!
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Hell yeah! You don't just listen to TV, do you? You've gotta have something pretty to look at while they're blabbering on.
4. When fantasizing, who do you fantasize about? It's usually just a nameless, faceless, pretty woman.
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Legs and waist/belly
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No, but that's one of the things on my List of Things To Do Before I Die.
7. Want to be? See above answer
8. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Nope.
9. Does wearing something sexy make you act differently? Nope.
10. Do you ever feel somewhat attracted to members of your sex? Not sexually, but I do sometimes feel a 'wierd' connection with other guys.

1. How many credit cards do you own? None
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? I don't think I have one.
3. If you had $10 million, what would you do with it? Save it and never work again for the rest of my life.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Famous
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Only for a while. After a while, I'd probably end up quitting or killing myself.
6. Have you ever stolen anything? Yes, LEGOs from my kindergarted classroom.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? 2,282. Man, I need some more tunes!
8. What are you most greedy about? My food.
9. What do you have TOO much of, but don't care? Braclets.

1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? I really don't know.
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? I really don't know on this one either.
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? Writing and having a novel published
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? No, I'd be pretty happy.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? Yes.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? Woke up?

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? Some of my friends have nice cars.
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? My friend Kim. She's got a crazy but cool sense of style.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? I'd be me, only taller.
4. Have you ever been cheated on? No.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? See Question #3
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? Confidence
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? Not really, but it is interesting

Friday, June 06, 2003

Cry Alone

He sat on the edge of his bed, naked except for socks and a cheap Timex watch. He gripped a pair of two-day-worn briefs in his left hand and his erect penis in his right. It was nearly eleven o’clock in the morning, he had just woken up, and he was masturbating already. With his head flung back and his mouth slacking open, he let out a sigh of contentment at his self-gratification. He immediately squeezed his penis, clamping off his urethra. He opened his eyes and looked down at his crotch. A trickle of ejaculate snaked down his member and made a resevuoir in the crease of his index finger’s knuckle.

He thought about Gwen, how her face looked close-up and out of focus, how she felt in his arms, how her breasts felt under his head. He remembered the first time they’d kissed, lying on a bed in the back room of her aunt’s house watching sci-fi movies. He remembered the time he’d driven three and a half hours just to fall asleep with her on her couch at one-thirty in the morning. He remembered when she had come to visit him. All his roommates had left for the weekend; they had the room and the night all to themselves, but they didn’t have sex. Their entire relationship seemed to revolve around lying down, but never once did they have sex. He was sure she had wanted to – she’d mentioned it to his best friend. He had wanted to have sex with her also. But he wasn’t ready, he told himself.

That reminded him of Evelyn. After having known her for only a week, he found himself in her bedroom with his shirt off and his pants unzipped, staring into her hungry eyes. She’d playfully offered to rape him. He’d somewhat begrudgingly declined her offer. He wasn’t opposed to sex, he told himself (and her), he just wanted to wait until he was in love.


Love, what was that? He didn’t know. Maybe he had been in love with these women and he just hadn’t known it. No, that was a lie. He hadn’t loved them. He didn’t know what love was, but he was pretty sure that if a person was in love, they’d know it. At least, that’s what he hoped. He didn’t know whether it was an emotion, an idea, a force, a lie, or a rationalization that people used for the stupid things they did, but he did know that love had to exist. Didn’t it? Maybe not. Maybe it was all bullshit. Maybe he had passed on having sex with these women not because he wasn’t in love with them but because he was scared. But maybe love was not being scared.

So, whatever the fuck it was, what if he never found someone he ‘loved?’ Not that he’d been looking hard for such a person, but so far, he’d hadn’t met a person to love. Not one. He’d met some people that had seemed promising, but for one reason (or several) or another, they hadn’t been what he was looking for after all, or he hadn’t been what they were looking for. Either way, eventually, he ended up alone again. He ended up lonely. He ended up wanting something.

His breathing had slowed. His penis had gone flaccid. He opened his eyes and let out a sigh. A tear trickled down his cheek, and he wiped it away with the knuckle of his left index finger.

Circa Now