Why So Grim?

DEATH. Oh great, here he comes.

MAN. Who?

DEATH. The Angel of Death. He thinks he's hot shit because he’s got the title "Angel." Yeah sure, he gets to do the big stuff, but who's taken more lives over the course of history? Me. He does these big, sweeping, dramatic genocides every couple hundred years or so, but I'm the guy who works every day and every night, escorting the average Joe Blow into the Great Beyond. (To ANGEL of Death) Hey, what's up, Angel?

ANGEL. Hey, Reaps, how's it going?

DEATH. (To MAN) I hate it when he calls me that. (To ANGEL) So, got any big decimations coming up?

ANGEL. Yeah, actually I’ve got one coming up in about (looks at watch) forty or fifty years.

DEATH. Oh yeah?

ANGEL. Yeah, it's gonna be real big, too. I'm pulling out the Fire and Brimstone. It'll be like Sodom and Gomorrah all over again.

DEATH. (To MAN) Oh, here he goes. Once he gets started on Sodom and Gomorrah, he never stops.

ANGEL. Oh man, I'm really gonna have to rain down God's Wrath this time, literally. The work order calls for a flood immediately followed by "fire pouring down from the heavens." (Whispering) But between you and me, I think I'm just going to use some meteors. On fire, of course. That ought to be good enough for You-Know-Who. Man, I tell ya, That Guy calls for some weird stuff sometimes. I mean, come on! A flood and a rain of fire? Is that really necessary? But I just stopped questioning the Big Guy after He asked me to kill everyone in Egypt that didn't have their door painted with blood. Sometimes it's hard working directly the Man, Himself. But then again, it's hard work just being the Angel of Death.

DEATH. Hard work? When was the last time you had a job? The Bubonic Plague?

ANGEL. Yeah, and my shoulders are still sore from that one. Killing one third of the population of an entire continent is murder on your joints!

DEATH. Europe is the smallest continent!

ANGEL. By land mass. But it’s third smallest by population after Australia and Antarctica.

DEATH. (To MAN) Didn’t I tell you he was full of himself?

ANGEL. Do I detect some bitterness here? What is all this animosity directed towards me?

DEATH. You walk around here like you're so important when in reality you sit around on your ass for centuries at a time, only to get up for the occasional mass smiting, while I'm working day in and day out ripping souls from their bodies with this stupid thing (holding up scythe).

ANGEL. I think you're jealous.

DEATH. What?

ANGEL. I think you're jealous because I wield a great amount of power and can harvest many souls at one time. But that's just what I do. I'm sure you’re very good at what you do, too.

DEATH. You know, I can bring in a lot of souls at one time, too! I've done earthquakes! I've done plane crashes!

ANGEL. (Placatingly) I'm sure you have. Look, I don’t want to upset you. I was just passing by on my way to a meeting with the Big Guy. So, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go. (Exits)

DEATH. I hate that guy!