Broken

The Magster and I have broken up. Well, I guess more accurately, she broke up with me. It just figures, you know, that the day you buy your beautiful girlfriend a Valentine's Day gift is the day she dumps you.

Seriously, though, that was just for dramatic effect; I'm really not mad at her. (Am I supposed to be?) I am sad and remorseful and hurt, but I'm not angry with her.

And I hope she's not angry with me. I know it was hard on her to dump me. And I know the cavalier way in which I handled (and via this post, am still handling) the whole thing didn't make things any easier. Actually, in a weird sort of way, I'm proud of her for not letting me hold her back. She's always been stronger than she gave herself credit for.

I knew it was coming eventually, because she had more or less told me so over the past few months. She was unhappy. I wasn't helping things. I was complacent with our relationship, content to just coast along.

I did put some effort into avoiding a break-up, but, looking back, I think I knew even then that I wasn't willing to do everything necessary to keep her and that I was only stringing her along with promises and non-committal answers. That's the part that I regret, and I hope she forgives me for wasting her time. I was selfish; I wanted to love her for only as long as I could easily do so.

Without getting into the specifics, we split up because we have different ideas about what direction our relationship should take. In fact, I'm not exactly sure what that means, and I'm fairly certain she doesn't either. And that's our problem. Neither of us knows exactly what we or the other wants. And for my part, I'm too lazy and self-involved right now to find out on either account.

When the Beatles sang that all you need is love, I'm pretty sure that they were wrong. I think you also need a goal. I think you need something to focus on and work towards. Because without a goal, you're just two kids aimlessly wandering, wondering what's next. In our case, I think we wandered away from each other and got to two different what's nexts. Maybe some day we'll both wander in the same direction again and find the same what's next. I would like that.

But, in the meantime, I think we have to be living cliches and go out and "find ourselves." (I hate myself for writing that.) I, for one, need to figure out what exactly it is I want to do with my life: Am I a writer? Am I a corporate career man? Am I going to do something that makes me happy or am I going to just grin and bear it?

And, while I'm throwing around cliches, I hope that The Magster and I do remain friends. Out of the friends I have, she is one of my best. She has a way of calming me down (even though it probably didn't show) when I am irrationally angry, and she was the first person I can remember feeling immediately comfortable around.

So, I guess that is how it ends. A smile. A kiss. A goodbye.

I will miss you.