Marriage

I don't get it. Apparently, you have a problem with people getting married. Well, not all people. You don't care if some people get married. And you don't care how long they stay married. And you really don't care how many times they get married. The confusing part is, you don't even seem to care what species is getting married, just as long as one is male and the other is female. So, what's the deal with not wanting queers to marry? I must have missed the part where that seemed totally ridiculous.

Is this over the word? The word 'marriage?' Is that what all the fuss is about? Fine, keep your stupid word. 'Marriage' can be a religious ceremony between a man and a woman. Neat, now your precious word is still sacred. Now the rest of us will enjoy 'scribblybop,' a new word I just made up that signifies a legal union between two consenting adults. Okay? Are you happy now? Your religion's got its word, the US has got its word, and never the twain shall meet. Done. Issue solved. Case closed.

But, just out of curiosity, what was it to you? What is so goddamned precious about your word? Is it some magic incantation? Is it a secret password? What is it? You fought so vehemently to protect it; it must have some special power that you're not telling us about. No? It doesn't? It's just some plain, ol', stupid word? Huh ... Weird.

Well, if we're just coopting words, then we get 'God.' You can't use 'God' to mean what it means to you any more. Yeah, sorry. We called it; you should have been quicker on the draw.

So, now we get to choose how to narrowly define 'God' to suit our whims. You can't use 'God' anymore to mean an excuse to be narrow-minded or as a means for being self-righteous in your persecution of others. Nope, sorry. We have a new definition of 'God.' Yeah, from now on, God is defined as a compassionate, all-loving force that unites humanity and is diametrically opposed to suffering and injustice. I guess you'll have to make up your own word for whatever you had been calling 'God' (and 'scribblybop' is already taken).

For a more practical method of bringing about change than made-up words and sarcasm, Mom in Real Life would like a moment of your time.

I'm Not Mad

The other day my roommates accused me of not having any emotions except for Anger, to which I rebutted that I did have emotions, such as ... Anger ... and Hunger ... and all the others that end in "-ger." I was later informed that Hunger is not an emotion.

I'm not sure why Anger is the only emotion I can fluently express. I was raised by parents who expressed the whole gamut of emotions -- indeed a mother so emotive I don't think she could hold her feelings in if her life depended on it. But Angry is the only emotional state people can readily identify in me.

I wouldn't consider myself a particularly angry person. I feel happy and sad and confused and surprised, as well. I'm predominantly not angry, preferring Contentment or Indifference instead. It just seems like the only feeling that seeps out from underneath this hardened exterior on a regular basis, in any noticeable terms, is a simmering rage.

Sometimes I'm anxious about it, worrying how this has, does, and will affect my friendships and relationships. Though I can't say that this behavior hasn't come without some negative consequences, for the most part it's been tolerated. Not too many people yell at me, and I still have some friends left, so I see no pressing need to change. And if it were the case that I should change this about myself, would I even be able to? Plus, is a Happy McBastard any better than this current version?

My Week as a Social Person

Or How to Make Friends and Influence People with Alcohol

In true McBastard fasion this post is a week late. The week before last I decided to take a tentative step out of the comfortable darkness of my hermitude and venture into the blindingly bright light of social interaction. Aside from the occasional taggings along with my roommates past and present, over the past year I've hardly made an effort to meet new people and make new friends. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I've felt that I may not be making the most of my experience in a new city. The other week, though, I made up for that a little bit.

First up was a date on Tuesday. I guess I have gone on several dates in the past year, so this is nothing new, per se. But, to coin a phrase, one can never go on too many first dates. It was a pretty good date, too, in my opinion. We were just supposed to meet each other after work and get a couple drinks, but it turned into a dinner date. The bad part was that I drank way too much, but the good part was that she did too and didn't seem to notice. I'm hoping to arrange a second date for some time this week, but she just moved into a new place over the weekend, so I don't know how feasible that will be.

Most of the rest of the week was occupied by what the Intarwebs calls a "meetup" in which a group of people who've met online but usually have not met in meatspace get together and apparently drink copious amounts of alcohol. And that's just what we did.

On Thursday, I met up with some other twenty-something bloggers, from the aptly named Twenty-Something Bloggers community, for some Chicago-style pizza. And then we went to a bar and got drunk. On Friday, we skipped the dinner part and went straight to a bar. On Saturday, we met up at a wine tasting, then went to a bar, then went to dinner, and then went to another bar. On Sunday, we stroked our livers gingerly and went to the Pride Parade. Overall, it was a great success. I met some interesting local bloggers as well as a few from the far reaches of the country. Now I've got so many more blogs to read that'll never get bored. They even convinced me to get on Twitter. So now there's a whole new avenue through which I can annoy you, dear readers!

Now I must scurry back into my cave, biding my time until the next event lures me back into the sunlight.

Interesting Start

Aside from the excitement of just having a new job, there have been several other interesting things happen at work.

The week before last, the guy who used to have my job, whom I assumed got promoted, was fired. It turns out he wasn't promoted, he was moved to a new position because he couldn't (or wouldn't) complete the tasks of my position. Apparently, he didn't do the work of his new position either, so they canned him. I guess I viewed this as a warning: Incompetence and laziness will not be tolerated.

This past week, my boss, the CTO, has been on vacation. Before he left, I got a crash-course in how to do my job. One of the last things he said before he left on Friday was that he was impressed with how much I've picked up. That was heartening.

Last Monday was the first day my boss was gone. A guy who started the same day as I did, and the only other tech guy in the place, left on his lunch break and never came back. This is more stunning than it is disappointing. I mean, to come in, get your paycheck, and then go on an early lunch, never to be heard from again -- that takes a disregard for professionalism that I doubt even I could muster. But, really, I'm not disappointed because he wasn't that cool of a person anyway. As far as coworkers go, I guess he was decent, but something about him was a bit off, and not in that nerdy, computer geek kind of way. He was bigoted, crass, and a bit full of himself. Plus he spoke in ghetto slang unironically. Imagine if Eminem had gotten a degree in computer science -- that's what this guy was like.

So, last week I'm the only tech-oriented person in the place and they've just launched a new web portal, and because the guy before me wasn't doing his job we're behind schedule on the old portal. On top of it all, I barely know how to do my job, I've got no direction from my absent boss, and I've got to figure out problems originally intended for the AWOL software engineer. I thought I was barely treading water. But, at the end of the week, the CEO came in to talk to me. He told me how impressed he was that I was getting so much done despite the circumstances. I was pretty relieved, though I know I'll feel even better when my boss is back next week.

It's been an interesting go so far. I hope everyone remembers how impressive I am when it comes time to hand out bonuses and raises. We'll see.

Liking the Job So Far

After a week of employment, I think that I will really enjoy my new job. Though some of these feelings may be due to newness of the experience, I think some facets of the job will lend to it being pretty cool long after the novelty has worn off.

The role I'm in, "web application support," has quite a few diverse functions. It's a little bit of tech support, a little bit of web development, a little bit of database management, a little bit of technical writing, etc. Essentially, it's got enough interesting little bits happening continuously to keep the wriggly organ between my ears from getting bored and mushy.

Not How It Works

Someone needs to tell these guys this is not how the Internet works.

You're Hired!

Yesterday I interviewed with a small web marketing start-up for a Web Application Support position. I walked out of the interview with a job -- and dumbstruck look on my face, I'm sure.

It was mostly like any other interview I've been one, except the person interviewing me was the CEO. (Like I said, it is a tiny company.) He explained that the company takes schools on as clients and gathers information from its and others' websites on prospective students to give to the schools, at a premium, of course. The particulars of how such a company based on this business model works is beyond my knowledge or interest, so I didn't ask. But, having been in operation for less than a year, they have already cleared their overhead and made a profit, so they must be doing something right.

Anyway, the CEO continued to explain the job in pretty basic terms, letting me know that the CTO would explain it to me more in-depth. He then leaned in and explained that the CTO is a stickler for details. He's a very particular, stringent guy, so much so that the last two people they'd hired for this position hadn't lasted long. With that newly minted terror in my mind, he told me that he would send the CTO in to talk with me. This didn't bode well.

The CTO was a tall, relaxed guy with a big smile, not at all what I was picturing. He came in with a set of questions the CEO had given him to ask me, but after only getting through a couple of them, he tossed them aside and said, "These are stupid." We just started talking. He was interested to find that I'd started college as a Computer Science major, and even more intrigued to find that what web programming knowledge I have is self-taught.

Finally, he explained that the position does require a little bit of technical knowledge, but more importantly, it requires an ability to quickly learn new concepts, fully comprehend complex processes, and thoroughly document gained knowledge. With that, he got up and said he'd send the CEO back in.

I was anxious. I thought that I had the necessary skills to be good in this position. However, historically speaking, I've always thought this during job interviews, but have had much difficulty in conveying this to the interviewers.

The CEO came back in and nonchalantly mentioned that the CTO was impressed with me. "Can you start tomorrow?" he asked. I was almost too stunned to answer. I've never been hired during an interview before. It felt, in short, fucking awesome.

A couple hours later, while I was celebrating with my roommates, the CEO called me to let me know that they wouldn't have my computer ready by tomorrow, so to just come in Wednesday. So, today's my last day of unemployment. I can't say that I'll miss it.

Faith Enough

Last night I prayed, sincerely, for the first time in half a decade. I prayed to a god that most days I'm not even sure exists. And even if it does, I hardly think that it's in this god's nature to heed prayer and grant wishes. But I prayed, and, like most prayers made by people who only have faith enough to believe in a god when it's convenient, my prayer was desperate and selfish.

I prayed as I've been taught, by asking for something and then offering up the sins I'm ready to repent. This is a strange vision of the economy of prayers: God grants us the things we request in exchange for a few paltry mea culpas. It doesn't seem like a reasonable exchange or a sound investment -- heaven's own sub-prime lending scheme.

I've eschewed dogmatic, institutional sins, preferring to believe that my character flaws will suffice in their place. My sins include Lacking Humility, Being Irresponsible, and Indulging in Anger. I confessed the sins I knew I'd committed; the one's I've yet to realize will have to wait.

In exchange I asked for Peace of Mind, Perseverance, and Contentment. And a job that pays rent.

Where Am I?

Two people asked me for directions while I was wandering around downtown today. I had to explain that I had just moved here, and that I wasn't even certain where I was. I guess my Where The Hell Am I? Face (patent pending) looks confident and knowledgeable. I'm glad that at least strangers think I know where I'm going and what I'm doing.

And Then

I'm all moved, partially unpacked, still unemployed, and back online. I'm slowly-but-surely succeeding in this relocation scheme I came up with. Hopefully, the job problem will be solved soon, and then ...

I don't know, I guess I start feeling comfortable with being somewhere I've wanted to be.

Incommunicado

So, I'm about to head out the door and into the city. I'll be without an internet connection for a while. So, if you need to get in touch with me, give me a call instead.

Dumb Move

I'm not sure why I haven't mentioned this before now; like Ron Burgundy, it's kind of a big deal: I'm moving tomorrow.

I'm moving out of the Happy Times's house in the suburbs to live with The Long-Dater Goober and her previous and my soon-to-be roommate, Sneezy. (I'll come up with better nicknames later, I promise.) We're moving into an apartment on the north side of the city, just off the Red Line. It's in a decent neighborhood, and I'll finally fulfill my wish to actually live in the city.

While I'm pretty excited about this move, I'm also really nervous. I came here a year ago with only a few hundred dollars and no job prospects in a faltering economy but with some trusty friends to rely on. This time I'm moving with only a few hundred dollars and no job prospects in a full-on recession and no one but myself to fall back on. This is, without a doubt, the stupidest literal and figurative move I've made in a while.

So, if you've got some extra luck laying around, send it my way. Or if praying's your thing, please mention me to your deity of choice. Well-wishes and heaping helpings of hope are greatly appreciated. I'm going to need it.

Can't Shut Me Up

This is my mobile phone usage for April. Granted, it's only so far this month; it's possible I could go on a talking spree some time in the next five days.

So, basically I've paid thirty-five bucks for eight minutes of use. T-Mobile is getting a deal with me. Maybe I should look into prepaid.

Anyway, if you feel like helping me get my money's worth, go ahead and give me a call sometime soon. If I'm not at work, I'll try to answer.

Birthday Haul

birthday haul

Thank you to TunaHell, TunaHelper, Happy Time, and Stellar for getting me (or providing me the funds with which to get) the following nerdery:

• Buckaroo Banzai in Return of the Screw
• Dungeons & Dragons: Player's Handbook
• Dungeons & Dragons: Player's Handbook 2
• Preacher, Volume 3: Proud Americans
• Preacher, Volume 4: Ancient History
• Preacher, Volume 5: Dixie Fried
• Serenity, Volume 1: Those Left Behind
• Serenity, Volume 2: Better Days

What I've Learned in my Twenty-Sixth Year

I turned twenty-six yesterday. I decided to make a list of things I've learned:

• Making sudden, life-altering decisions may not work out how I plan
• It is more valuable and useful to make the decision to change than to decide on what (I hope) that change will be
• If I want to pay off my debt, I shouldn't quit my job, especially in the middle of a recession
• I am not well-adapted to work in customer service
• I am horrible at keeping in contact with good but distant friends (though, I think I already knew this)
• I have a very skewed perception of how strangers, coworkers, friends, and family view me
• The Cubs are awesome and the Sox suck ... I guess
• The thought of going back to school doesn't utterly repulse me anymore
• I am capable of enduring
• Apple soda is delicious
• Possessions -- things, stuff, junk -- are a liability; one that I am happy to eschew when needs be
• I still really like programming, and I should find a way to get back into it
• CTA buses don't give change cards
• I still hate old people

In addition, there are some things that I have failed to learn:

• Employers do not care about The Way I Think Things Should Be Done™, no matter how efficient, cost-effective, or time-saving I believe it to be (or that it actually is)
• Why the only emotion I can fluently express is Anger
• What it is like to live by myself, on my own
• How to motivate myself to write again
• How to fix a motorcycle

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Over a week ago, I had to shave my beard because of a job interview. As this image illustrates, I was saddened. To make matters worse, when I got to the interview, the interviewer was sporting a beard. Oh, tragic irony! Oh yeah, and I didn't get the job either. I guess that was kind of a bummer.

Then, over the weekend, I shaved my head. Partially because Happy Time and Stellar shaved theirs in support of Happy Time's mother enduring chemotherapy. Additionally, I so desperately want a change in my life, and this is the only one I can afford. Please, someone give me a job soon, or lord knows what else I'll cut off!

Hope

Distant hope is encouraging and inspiring. Hope so nearly realized is tortuous and maddening.

Radio Silence

After six months of hearing nothing -- literally nothing but automated email responses -- back from potential employers, I finally have landed a job interview! I'm excited by the opportunity and confident that I'm qualified for the job, but I don't want to presume that I'll actually get the job. I don't want to raise my expectations only to have them squashed.

Actually, in the past couple weeks, I've gotten a few other promising inquiries:

• A small, Chicago-based web company contacted me to write some online help for their site. This is turning into a story unto itself, and there will probably more to tell later
• A headhunter in Kansas City must have found one of my old resumes and has asked if she could submit it to a few companies back in Missouri. I gave her the go-ahead because the jobs sounded kind of interesting
• The state of Illinois has asked me to come in for a competency test to see if I'm qualified for a position that I applied for a month ago. I'm waiting on my college transcript to arrive
• Even a regular customer at worked asked me if I would be interested in helping her walk dogs. I gave her my number

I'm not sure if this is the end of the radio silence of the past half-year or just a momentary reprieve. Either way, I'm grateful for the much needed morale boost.

Skinny

When people ask me whether or not I'm one of those skinny people that can eat a ton and never get fat, I say, "Yes." And while this is sort of true, it's not the entire story.

I can pack away large amounts of grub, and I have been known to snack all day. While I do have a high metabolism, the real reason I'm so skinny is because on the whole I don't eat very much at all.

I'm not really a grazer. If there's unlimited food sitting in front of me, I'll eventually get full and stop eating. I'm not a forager, either. I won't go looking for the perfect food to sate my hunger. I'm more of a scavenger. I'll wait until food presents itself and then I'll swoop in and gorge myself. I'm an opportunistic eater.

So, while I can eat quite a bit in one sitting or devour a constant stream of snacks for a while, I will usually go for long stretches of time where I eat nothing at all. Take, for instance, a few days ago. Without realizing it, I went nearly 48 hours only eating a bowl of cereal.

It's not that I don't get hungry. I do -- especially in the case of the previous example -- but that's usually only when I'm nearly starved. When I'm only slightly hungry, I usually don't notice until I think about it. And if my stomach doesn't rumble (which it usually doesn't) then I don't think about it. Basically, and this sounds pretty stupid, but I forget to eat until it's way past time to do so.

Recently I've begun to recognize something about myself and my body. When I've gone a while without eating, I tend to get even more surly than normal. (I know, it doesn't sound possible.) I believe this is because my blood-sugar is so low and I'm experiencing something similar to what diabetics feel if they haven't taken their insulin. So, I'm trying to recognize when I feel inordinately cranky, and take that as my cue to eat something. It's just sad that it's taken me 25 years to recognize this.

Talent

Despite whatever talents I have, think I have, forget I have, or wish I had, one talent I know I have is a talent for picking friends. They are quick to point out when I am selling myself short (no pun intended), and they have seemingly never-ending patience for showing me the positive when all I see is the negative.

Thanks to all my friends, far and near, who call me out on my bullshit, don't let me wallow in my own self-pity, and otherwise encourage me to be a better me than I am willing to settle being.

That said, there's no accounting for why I have good family. I'm just lucky, I guess.