36%

"Zach is 36% gay!

Loosen up my straight mate! These days women like a man with some softer edges to grab onto."

Results from the Gay-O-Meter test.

| Tags || sexuality | quiz |

Help Wanted

• Superhero
• Part 8

The phone rang. Alex was sitting on the couch watching Batman reruns. He eyed the phone suspiciously and hesitated before standing up, picking up the receiver, and answering. The voice on the line was female and shy. She said, “I’m calling about the want ad in the paper.” Alex waited for her to continue. “Is it … is it serious?” she asked. For the fourth time that morning Alex regretted ever putting the job post in the Help Wanted section of the New City Herald. The ad read:

Superhero seeks sidekick. Must be a self-starter and able to take direction. Powers a plus. Some typing required. Serious applicants only. Call 555-5576 for more information. EOE

“Yes, it’s serious,” Alex replied with a sigh. The last person to call had just started laughing at this point. Alex mentally braced himself for a barrage of taunting.

“Well, uh, how do I, like, apply?”

It was Alex’s turn to ask, “Are you serious?”

There was a moment of silence, then the female voice said, “Well, yeah, if … you are.” Alex stammered an assurance. He was amazed, and a little skeptical, that someone was finally taking his want ad seriously. Is it just someone playing along to get a good laugh at my expense? Or is this one real? Despite his reservations, Alex suggested a time and place for an interview the next day. The voice on the other end agreed.

Alex set the receiver back in the cradle and sat back into the couch. Batman and Robin were battling henchmen with Bam! and Pow! springing from their landed punches. The two ended up back-to-back. They ducked in unison and let two villains punch each other over their heads. A smile slowly spread across Alex’s face.

• Tags
• serial
• superhero

Hire Me

Gimme a job!

| Tags || career |

00010010

the butterfly lands,
is smashed in a metal hand.
what is its function?

| Tags || poem |robot |

00010001

butterflies flutter.
the robot extends an arm
to catch an insect.

| Tags || robot | poem |

00010000

life moves around it.
what does all this data mean?
the robot wonders.

| Tags || poem | robot |

Diploma

I got my diploma in the mail today!

Now if only I could get a job in the mail.

| Tags || school | job |

Caveat Emptor

I went camping and canoeing over this Memorial Day Weekend on the Little Niangua. It was pretty fun; however, if I had to do it over again, I would not rent canoes from Maggard's Canoe.

They tacked on hidden fees and charged us inflated rates not mentioned in their brochure or on their website. By the end of it, we paid nearly double what we had originally calculated.

Besides that, though, they were also rude and inhospitable. I didn't expect them to treat us like we were at a fancy resort in Aspen, but common courtesy would have been nice.

So, if you're ever going canoeing in the Missouri Ozark area, do not rent canoes from Maggard's Canoe. They are a bunch of thieving, angry hillbillies who don't deserve your money.

| Tags || memorial day | canoeing |

The DaVinci Caffufle

So, I saw The DaVinci Code movie (having read the book about a year ago) and was quite impressed with how well it was made and how true to the book it was. Good job, Howard et al.

However, for the past week I've ashamedly watched about three hours of DaVinci Code commentary, most of it trying to "disprove" or "discredit" Dan Brown's novel. It makes me angry. You know why? Because THE DAVINCI CODE IS A WORK OF FICTION!

It is not a textbook. It is not a historical account. It is not a factual documentation. It is a work of fucking fiction. It is not something that you can argue with. You can disapprove of the novel, but you dan't disprove it, because it didn't really happen! It is a work of fiction, perhaps based on some facts, but even the characters in the novel are in dispute over the veracity of the "facts" they present.

So, what I would like everyone who has some beef with The DaVinci Code to do is this: Step back, take a deep breath, and shut the fuck up. Give Dan Brown a break. His only crime has been writing an exciting, intruiging book.

| Tags || movie |

End of (School) Days

So, amid the heavy drinking, packing, paper writing, working, driving, and job interviews over the past week, I graduated. Somewhere in there, I donned a cap and gown, shook hands with the president of the university, and actually graduated. I know; I couldn't believe it either!

The next step: Get a real job and find this so-called "real world."

| Tags || school |

God & Creation

Blake Ostler argues the classical concept of the creation of the cosmos:

1. If God possess aseity [self-existence] and exists, then he is not dependent on anything nor lacking in any conceivable manner (i.e., God is self-sufficient).
2. A self-sufficient being cannot manifest a need nor be enhanced by any action (1).
3. Every positive action requires an explanation sufficient to account for it (Criteria of Sufficient Reason).
4. Creation of the cosmos is a positive action.
5. A self-sufficient being could not manifest a reason sufficient to explain why it preferred existence of the cosmos to its nonexistence (1,2).
6. Hence, God did not create the cosmos (3,4,5). (Beckwith 8-9)

While this arguement is interesting, I think there are some gaps in its logic. I can agree completely with Assertion 1; if the nature of God is omnipotent, then he needs or wants nothing. However, Assertion 2 intends to limit God's omnipotence by saying that he "cannot manifest a need." This is the schoolyard philosopher's question "Can God make a rock so heavy even He can't move it?" If the answer is yes, then God isn't all-powerful, he can't even move a rock. If the answer is no, then God still isn't all-powerful, he can't even create a rock. Quite a conundrum.

This arguement falls into the realm of the moot, though. Being all-powerful precludes need, want, action, and enhancement. The assertion that God cannot manifest a need nor be enhanced by any action only seems to contradict omnipotence because that is the only way that limited human language can express limitless power. The arguement is mostly syntactical.

Assertion 3 seems ludicrous. There is no logical reason for why such a required explanation should exist to account for a positive action (or for a negative action, for that matter). I believe this assertion means to say that God must have had a reason for creating everything, but that, again, is projecting human reasoning onto a being of limitless power. As the Assertion 1 states, God doesn't need anything, let alone a reason for creation.

Assertion 4 is just stupid. I'll give Mr. Douglas Adams the credit for an excellent rebuttal: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

As I said for Assertion 2, the flaw of Assertion 5 is that it relies on limited human syntax to describe concepts that are limitless.

Assertion 6, while a derivative of faulty logic, is the most intriguing assertion of them all. Because if God did not create the cosmos, who did? It boggles the mind!

Works Cited

• Adams, Douglas. The Restaurant At the End of the Universe. New York: Pocket, 1982.
• Beckwith, Francis J., and Stephen E. Parrish. The Mormon Concept of God. Lewiston: The Edwin Mellen Press, 1991.

| Tags || god |

Desperate Deep-Sea Divers

I've been watching the first season of Desperate Housewives recently. It's pretty entertaining really, although a little frustrating, simply because no one ever tells the truth. When discussing the show with The Magster's roommate, she said, "That show is full of liars . . . conivers . . . scuba-divers!" I don't know what that means exactly, but it was pretty funny.

| Tags || tv |

Get Me Through the Day

The other day my coworkers and I had an interesting conversation: We were discussing what it would be like if computers and robots took over the world, enslaving the human race. Then someone asked what would happen if aliens tried to take over the world from the robots. We debated the pros and cons of each, but there seemed to be the general concensus that either would be ruthless taskmasters.

Someone posited that maybe the two would kill each other off, and humans could once again rule the earth. But then we realized that humans would probably be the first to go, as we would be grunts, expendables in the robots' army.

Then someone mentioned that they thought the aliens would win because, after all, the robots were created by humans and were no match for the advanced technology of the aliens. We all agreed and were saddened to see that the deed of our ownership would only be passed on to new hands. Humans would never be free, and we'd be treated even more cruelly by our alien masters as we toiled away to terraform our planet for them. Lamenting this, one of my coworkers spoke, "And then we'd be like, 'We want the robots back.'"

This is what gets me through the days.

| Tags || work | aliens | robots |

Useless Failings

If you're an old reader of Cynical McBastard, and you've just found this, you're probably wondering, "What happened to the UselessFlailings.com domain?" Well, due to a lack of funding, Useless Flailings has gone under. This is hopefully a temporary condition -- hopefully, both my brother (Pancake Wrangler) and I won't be steeped in credit card debt forever. But until then, Blogspot is going to be Cynical McBastard's new home. The same goes for Sticks and Stoned. So, re-bookmark these sites, and be sure to tell anyone you know who I didn't tell about the change. Thanks!

| Tags || money | website |

When Women Speak

My mother (TunaHell) told me this once and I tend to believe her. She said that unlike men, women have a minimum number of words they need to use every day, (... or else what? My guess is that they have to suffer an extra day of menstruation!) and that is why to men, women seem to babble on incessantly.

Sometimes, when I'm supposed to be listening to The Magster talking, I'm really counting her words. Sorry, kid.

| Tags || women |

It's My Birthday!

I expect all your packages and money-stuffed envelopes are in the mail, right?

| Tags || birthday |

Been Hangin' Around this Town So Long

Here's to the first Spring Break that I haven't stayed in this cramped college town working! It was excellent.

| Tags || college |

The Breasts You Save May Be Your Own

Stellar is going on a three day walk to help raise money for the fight against breast cancer. I'm giving money, not really because I'm passionate about helping women diagnosed with breast cancer, but because, statistically speaking, the more boobs there are, the better chance I have of squeezing them. Selfish, I know.

| Tags || breast | cancer |

Pic Whore

Like my brother, I have joined Consumating -- yet another pic whore site (e.g. picrave(RIP), whatthedilly, myspace, facebook). If you want you can give me a "thumbs up" (to help raise my popularity) or you can even join in on the fun yourself!

I'm not vain or that self-conscious really, so I don't know why I'm drawn to this type of website. But I'm definitely addicted. Are there any support groups for this kind of thing?

| Tags || fad | picture |

Because I'm a Trend-Whore

Please take a few moments to contribute to my Johari Window.

| Tags || psychology |