Qu'est Que C'est

I'm sitting on my floor naked, eating Life cereal at 4 in the afternoon out of what I assume was intended to be a small dog food bowl, responding to Craigslist "roommate wanted" ads and trying not to sound like a psycho killer. Yeah, this is going to go well.

I've enjoyed living by myself for this past year, but I feel like I've become somewhat isolated from my friends. I think I can blame some of this on the fact that I had a girlfriend for most of the last year who wanted me to spend our free time together or out with her friends. But to pin this all on her would be unfair, as I was the one who constantly obliged her instead of saying, "No, I think I'll find out what my friends are doing this weekend."

And even since I've been single again, I feel like I've spent most of my time alone in my studio. This is not to say I haven't enjoyed my time by myself (I could go for days reading comics, watching Netflix, and tinkering with bits of code!), but I don't know how healthy this is for my interpersonal development and psychological health.

When I'm by myself, it's so easy for me to ignore the rest of the world and live inside my own bubble. There's no one to come into my room and snap me out of it by asking me if I want to try out a new restaurant or go to a show. Or, conversely, there's no one to annoy me so much that I have to just get out of the apartment and be around other people. I've been living inside my little hermitage, and inside my own head, for this past year, and there's been hardly anyone to challenge me or motivate me.

I'm hoping that living with people again, albeit even with strangers, will help me to re-enter society. Or at least prevent me from talking to myself so much.

Dating Again

If you had told me ten years ago -- hell, even two years ago -- that I would frequently be going on multiple dates with beautiful women, I would have been incredulous, to say the least. But my dating ventures of late have been incredibly different from anything I've ever experienced before. Recently, women have gladly accepted my first date proposals, and most have been earnestly interested in second and third rendezvous, some even making the suggestions themselves! Even those that haven't been interested in dating further have cordially explained that they were not interested. I have not been on a bad date since I started dating again in December.

All of this is not to brag. I mention these things to contrast them to the previous four years of dating. Sure, I went on the occasional first date, some with women I was attracted to, and I met someone who would later become a great friend (and former roommate). I even had a short-lived relationship that I was pretty satisfied with (until the end, obviously). But I never found dating particularly enjoyable. It always seemed like a means to an end, a necessary evil if I was ever going to find a partner in crime.

So, for the past month or so I've been trying to account for this stark difference. How have I been able to go on more dates with more women in the past two months than in my entire time in Chicago previous to this; and why is dating all of a sudden fun?

One of my friends has suggested that confidence is the reason. And perhaps I am more confident now than in the past. Since moving to Chicago, I've definitely become increasingly more self-reliant and self-assured. Though, when it comes to women, the intelligent and beautiful ones still intimidate me as much as they did in 6th grade. Perhaps I'm just slightly better at not being awkward about it now.

Another possible factor is that I don't take dating so seriously now. I used to feel that there was something riding on each date, that I had to do something impressive and say the right things and be on my best behavior or else ... or else what, I'm not sure. I don't know what the impetus for the change was, but recently I've ditched that sentiment in favor of doing whatever the hell I feel like. I only suggest activities for dates that I would do anyway on my own and I don't try to play down the fact that I'm kind of a weirdo. I've eschewed any sort of agenda and just focus on having a good time with a new and interesting person. I definitely feel more relaxed now, and I'm sure my dates appreciate the sincerity, even if they aren't particularly a fan of my oddball demeanor.

I think, though, that the most important explanation as to why I'm enjoying dating so much at the moment is due to the women that I've chosen to date. For whatever reason, I had previously been attracted to energetic and boisterous women, the ones that ooze charisma and laugh loud enough for the whole room to hear them. However, past and recent experience has shown me that this may not be the ideal type of woman for me. Instead, I've been shifting my focus to the more reserved, demure set. I'm finding that these women tend to better appreciate my subtle (oh-so-subtle) charm, and, in turn, I'm much more able to relate to them.

Get All Your Friends Together and Scream Them

At 7pm last night, I shut down my work computer, finished the beer I'd been working on, and headed out the door. About a block away from our office is the "W" Cut Rate Liquors. As I approached I passed a small group of punk kids smoking cigarettes. Next to the entrance to the liquor store was a nondescript grey wooden door. I followed a couple of skinny-jean-clad guys through it and up the stairs. I paid the bored and disinterested guy outside the apartment a five and squeezed through the door that was partially blocked by a crowd that filled the whole front room.

Thick-rimmed glasses, mohawks, tight jeans, brightly dyed hair, print dresses, hoodies, dreadlocks, flannel, baseball caps, scarves, polos, stocking caps -- the crowd contained a scenester from every genre imaginable (well, except for thugs). But instead of the cliquishness that one might expect, everyone was mingling, drinking, and laughing together.

The opening acts played and the crowd hollered and applauded. I talked with a thirty-something guy and his boyfriend who recorded the whole show on his iPhone. I joked around with a tiny girl who offered to buy the underage skater kids next to her some beer from downstairs. A chick with a lesbian haircut and a Gatorade bottle filled with beer kept including me in her conversations. A girl who was entirely too drunk on whiskey Cokes introduced herself, her friend, and the girl next to her that I'd just watched her meet.

After an hour and a half, the headliner, Paul Baribeau, came up "on stage" (I imagine it was a wooden box or a milk crate.) at the end of the living room and began to play. The whole crowd belted out the words and swayed in unison. My voice screamed out and joined the cacophony. For one moment I was able to connect with an entire group of people who I might otherwise never have come in contact or had anything in common with. The camaraderie of the crowd, the intimacy of a hundred people crowded into a tiny apartment, the anticipation, the excitement -- the memory of it is almost surreal, as if I watched it in a movie instead of having experienced it directly.

Sparring

I had my first sparring match today, just one round. The coach kept telling me to loosen up and move around, but every time I did, I got hit. I only landed one or two decent hits. I've obviously got a long way to go. My partner said I did alright, though, for my first time.

Also, one of the big guys -- a real (well, amateur, at least) fighter -- lost his dinner after a well-placed kick. Now I don't feel so bad about my similar episode a month ago.

Out of the people that show up for the Muay Thai class regularly, I'm the smallest, weakest, and least experienced. This doesn't really bother me so much because this has been the case for every sport I've played, gym class I've been in, or test of athleticism I've participated in. I think the regulars know that I try to keep up as best I can.

The thing that does get to me, though, is that I don't seem to be picking it up very quickly. I mean, I didn't expect to waltz into class and be a Thai boxing virtuoso, but I had hoped that I might have some aptitude for kicking people in the face. But I guess that's what practice is for. Like the coach told me after class a couple weeks ago, in his Desi Arnaz accent, "If everyone was good the first time, we would have too many champions."

No Friends

No Friends

Thanks for reminding me, iPod.

Junk-Food-Flavored Health Food

As I sit here eating my cheeseburger-flavored Doritos, I wonder, how is it that we can make one junk food taste exactly like another, but we can't make celery taste like bacon?

Don't Touch My Stash ... Mustache

shaving in increments 3

The sideburns and goatee are short now, but I didn't touch the mustache. The cool thing is that it's starting to curl at the ends. So, I've decided to keep it for a little while longer and see what a handlebar mustache looks like!

The roommates want me to buy some mustache wax. Do they even still sell mustache wax?

Shaving in Increments

shaving in increments 1

So, it seems the one thing people agreed upon was that the throat beard had to go. It was actually easier said than done; shaving under and around what I wanted to leave in place took some skill and patience. But after almost an hour of scraping at my skin, this is what I'm left with.

It's hard to tell in the pictures, but the sideburns are really long and stick straight out. I'm not sure how much I like them. I do like, though, that everything (the 'stache, the goatee, the chops) is angular and narrows down to a point. I think it makes me look almost sinister. (Insert evil laugh.)

While I'm planning on continuing to get rid of more of this facial shag, I think I might keep this configuration for a while, at least for a few days.

What do you think? Any opinions? Questions? Comments? Concerns?

The Hobo Look is So Last Season

Mr Beardface

Spring is here, and I fear my abundance of facial hair may be too hot for the impending warm summer weather. But I don't think I'm ready to go clean-shaven just yet. So, I'm asking the intarwebs for help choosing my next facial hair configuration.

I've already had some good suggestions, but I want to have a wide range of options and a diverse group of people to blame for my poor grooming decisions. So far, it's been suggested that I:

• only keep the 'stache
• shave everything but the chops
• or just shave the sides and keep the mustache and chin beard

Do you have any other suggestions?

There Is No STFU in Team

I first noticed a reference to 'Team Edward' a year or so ago. I learned it had something to do with the Twilight series but didn't catch much more because the voice of the person explaining it to me was drowned out by the alarm going off on my I-Don't-Give-A-Shit-O-Meter. What I did hear, though, was that in these books Team Emo Kid is versus Team Wolf Man. I don't know what that means. Perhaps they're baseball teams, or maybe they're sled dog teams. Like I said, I don't care. Those Twitards can do whatever they want, as long as they leave me alone. I thought, at the time, that I had just learned Yet Another Useless Bit of Trivia&trade.

But then I saw it again recently. This time it was in reference to the Leno slash O'Brien Tonight Show debacle. Team Jay versus Team Conan (or Team Coco, affectionately) were the supporters of their respective favorite late night hosts. At first I wondered what the connection between Twilight and the Tonight Show was. I mean, the Tonight Show airs almost exactly equidistant from either period of twilight.

Then I saw it yesterday in a blog post about Fox News: Team Sarah (Palin) versus Team Glenn (Beck), the two talk show darlings of that network. Letting alone my confusion over why the viewers of these two pundits would be opposed, I was struck again that something so totally disparate would be alluded to in terms of Twilight.

And then it dawned (get it?) on me: People are trying to make this a thing.

So, I'm here to nip this in the bud. We're not doing that, sorry. We're not going to apply Team Whatever and Team Other Thing to all of our public discourse. We're not going to refer to celebrity disputes as Team Brad vs Team Angelina. We're not going to call the 2012 election Team Obama vs Team Huckabee. We're not going to refer to the war in Afghanistan as Team America vs Team Al Queda. It's asinine, it's reductionist, and we're not making this a thing, okay?

Some things you can say instead of "I'm on Team X" include:

• "I think X is completely relatable"
• "I support X"
• "I'm on X's side of the debate"
• "I thing X is the best of all options"
• or simply "X!"

I fear that I might be too late, though. This Team phenomenon has probably completely invaded popular culture already and I just haven't noticed until now. In which case, I would just like to say, I, for one, welcome our new Team Overlord.

Chicago Dog

I finally had my first Chicago dog yesterday, and I think I started out right. I waited in line in the freezing cold for about forty-five minutes to have my first taste of these legendary concoctions come from the acclaimed Hot Doug's Sausage Superstore and Encased Meat Emporium. The wait was definitely worth it.

For the uninitiated, a Chicago dog consists of a grilled (not broiled), hot dog sharing a bun with a dill pickle spear. This is then topped with onions, tomato slices, mustard, and that phosphorescent, neon green relish that looks like it emits radioactivity. And if you wanted ketchup on your hot dog, get the fuck out of Chicago! There are a few more intricacies into what may and may not go on a Chicago dog, but those are the basics. And let me tell you, it is quite a treat.

In addition to making the Chicago standard, Hot Doug's also has specialty dogs that all look, smell, and sound amazing. I tried the rattlesnake sausage topped with several different cheeses and an interesting sweet sauce. I was expecting the meat to have that over-spiced taste that most game meats have to cover up the gamey-ness, but it tasted just like a poultry or a delicate pork sausage. It was very delicious.

I never really knew there was such a thing as gourmet hot dogs, but Hot Doug's showed me the error of my ways. I'll definitely have to go back some time, preferably when it's not freezing outside, though.

You Can Catch More McBastards with Vinegar than Honey

Tuna salad is really just an excuse for me to eat spoonfuls of mustard and pickles without worrying about anyone giving me guff. To me the tuna is just filler or a garnish.

Prove You're a Good American

Just in case you were looking to buy ol' Mr McBastard a gift for American Consumerism Holiday™, I've updated my Wish List.

Mucca Pazza

To me, marching band always seemed pretty lame. In middle school and high school I chose to join the chess club, I was made captain of the junior varsity and then the varsity academic quiz bowl team, and was elected president of the drama club. I was essentially king among the dorks, and yet even I thought marching band was for losers. Last night I was shown just how wrong I was.

My blogger friend, Rini, and I went to a concert of a band named Mucca Pazza. And for a bunch of marching band nerds, they rocked pretty hard.

Much of their music sounded gypsy-esque. (I actually have no idea what music gypsies play and/or listen to; this is the only way I can find to describe music that sounds eastern European but isn't oompahpah or polka. Think of a more upbeat Gogol Bordello, minus the singing.) It was lively and beat-driven and pretty intense. Adding to the intensity were the band's colorful array of tattered and modified band uniforms, their wacky stage antics (The trombone section was particularly entertaining.), the inclusion of some cheerleaders, and audience interaction. The show began with the band entering the house through the back, making their way through the crowd, and finally ending up on stage. And randomly throughout the show, some sections would jump off stage and start playing from on top of the bar or up in the balcony. Even if I hadn't liked the music, I would have found them entertaining to watch.

But I did enjoy their music! I encourage anyone who is looking to find something a little different and unique to listen to, especially someone who was once a high school band nerd, to check them out. And I highly recommend catching a live show if you can.

White Castle Memory

Today I had White Castle for lunch. Up to then, I had not had a genuine White Castle slider in about a decade. It was as delicious as I remember, and even more satisfying was that my memory of it actually lived up to reality.

Mismanagement 101

I think they must teach this in a business class or something:

1. Discover a competent employee who understands complex directions and takes initiative
2. Reward him with compliments, raise
3. Give him more autonomy and trust him to set his own priorities
4. Get rid of employee's not doing as well
5. Give incompetent employees duties to competent employee
6. Promise to hire people to work under competent employee and also to have developers create workflow management tools to aid him in his job
7. Never make good on your promises
8. Continue to grow your business but not to scale it in any reasonable way, giving competent employee even more work
9. Half-heartedly listen to competent employee's request for help more manpower
10. Hire incompetent temp to do work that you didn't trust incompetent full-time employees to do
11. Fire temp; wonder why temp didn't work out
12. Confront competent employee about his duties not getting done
13. Tell competent employee that you will begin to prioritize his work for him
14. Don't prioritize his work for him
15. Have competent employee explain to you just what is so hard about his job
16. Disregard his attempt to tell you that the two halves of his job are actually two jobs requiring two employees
17. Inform him that one of the "halves" is the most important part of his workload, but that it should only be taking him one or two hours a day maximum
18. Constantly and with suspicion question once-competent employee about what he is currently working on
19. Act surprised when employee is disgruntled

Seriously, I've seen this happen before to a number of coworkers, and have even experienced it first hand. Where do managers pick this stuff up?

Maybe I'm being a bit over-dramatic here. I mean I still like my job and, despite me no longer thinking he's a good manager, I still like my boss. And I don't plan on quitting any time soon.

This all stems from my work getting increasingly difficult as our company grows, but no one listening to me asking for help. But the kicker is what happened today. Basically, my boss sat down behind me today and told me, in so many words, to prove that I was actually working and not jackassing around.

It is beyond annoying that he doesn't realize that I'm working diligently, no matter how hard I try to explain and demonstrate that fact. Hell, one night last week I didn't even go home! I stayed at the goddamn office all night because I was that dedicated to getting a project done. But now it's in doubt whether or not I'm wasting time.

Part of me wants to become the incompetent employee I'm assumed to be. I would get to be lazy and would not shatter anyone's current expectations. Another part of me wants to put even more hours in, get everything that is done that is expected of me, no matter the cost to my personal life or health. I would get to be a martyr and could revel in my own self-righteousness. The more reasonable part of me, though, knows that I should just keep doing what I'm doing: working as hard as I can, within reason, and doing my best. It's not my job to make sure the business is being managed properly. If my boss sees that work is not getting done and can do nothing more about it than blame an employee that is already working hard, then that is not my problem. If it comes to me being fired for incompetence, then he is even more stupid than I thought.

Crappy Idea

I'm thinking of starting a new blog entitled My Magnificent BM and Other Colontastic Adventures.

Its content will at least be better than the shit on this blog.

Dear Paul Baribeau

I tried to listen to your first, self-titled album the other day on my way home from work, but I had to turn it off after a few songs. I didn't feel like breaking out into tears on the bus. You should really be more considerate of those in your listening audience who don't like experiencing emotions.

Perhaps you could tone down the references to events in your life that are eerily similar to the life experiences of certain audience members. And perhaps you could be a little less accurate in describing the thought processes and justifications of actions of those who relate to your songs. In short, it would be much appreciated if you didn't make your listeners want to laugh and cry and shout, sometimes all within the same song. Perhaps something a little more poppy-sounding with a little less substance?

Looking forward to hearing bland and uninspired music from you in the future,

Your fan

Shower

Do you ever get out of the shower all clean and shiney, and then you think to yourself, "Dammit! I forgot to masturbate?"

Lying

I forgot to mention that a week or two ago the president of my company said, "Morning, Josh," as I was walking into the building.

"Morning," I replied, "but I'm not Josh." I really shouldn't lie to people like that.