Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Can't a Guy Buy Beer in Peace?

Guess what short people with "baby faces" hear on at least a weekly basis, usually when purchasing legal, regulated substances?

Do you think it is "I've looked at your government-issued ID and I believe that you are the age you claim." Nope.

Do you think it's "I appreciate that you look young; I wish I looked young as well." Guess again.

Do you think it might be "I choose not to make a comment on your youthful appearance and/or demeanor." Way off!

It's actually "Are you sure you're old enough to buy [regulated substance]? You look like you're [insultingly low age]!"

Awesome! Now I hate you!

Hardly a week goes by that I don't have to practically apologize for looking young or explain that many people make the same mistake of thinking I'm younger than I actually am. I don't mind the actual question, though, so much as the absolute incredulity that comes along with it. If you're seriously in doubt of my age, don't sell me the product. If not, just shut the fuck up about it.

Other related things that annoy me:

  • Bringing a friend/coworker over to gawk at the 15-year-old-looking freakshow (As if being mocked by one person isn't enough.)
  • Triple- or quadruple-checking my ID after a waitress and a bartender (and possibly a bouncer) have sufficiently perused it (You're a bar manager, not the director of Homeland Security.)
  • Telling me that you have a relative or friend that also looks young (Neat! Ask them how much I don't like you right now.)
  • Ask me what my license number or my birth date is (I look even younger on my ID than I do in person. Why would I have a fake ID with a picture of someone even younger than I am?)


  1. I couldn't agree more. I long to say, 'My face is my face. My ID has iridescent watermarks and a bar code on the back. Think I could fake that? Then fucking buy it off me. Cocksucker.' I, too, just want some beer. Beer. Not even vodka or boone's farm or whatever shit-ass thing an actual minor would try to buy. I want beer, and I want not to feel like stabbing someone when I attempt to procure it. The only thing stopping me is that you can't stab stupid out of someone.

    Hey, let's learn how to brew our own!

  2. I was at one of Ian's shows, and naturally, all the people there were kids. So, I of course, look just like them. So when I got into the bar area to get drink, I pass over my ID, and the bartender looks at it, and asks me if that's really me. I say, yes... thinking he is messing with me. He says it doesn't look like me, but continues to get my drink ready. I'm left sitting there wondering if he is really fucking serious or if he's messing with me. So a guy walks up who works at the place and I ask, this really doesn't look like me? (yes.... VERY dumb of me, I know). And he says, no not really. The bartender agrees and dumps out my glass.


  3. silly midwest. I haven't gotten carded in the city ... ever?

  4. Zach,
    I got carded way into my 30's...was flirted with and enjoyed the male glances...then overnight, I turned into a short fwumpy sexless old woman, who only has memories of her youthful and somewhat exoctic appearance.


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