Monday, February 20, 2006

Attention Customers

I don't know what you think goes on "in the back," but it's not as mystical and magical as you must think. There is not hidden stockpile of whatever you're looking for. There is no portal to an alternate dimension where the currency is the stupid item that you insist this store must have. There is no elven workshop where they manufacture anything any customer desires. You know what's "in the back?" The same shit that's on the shelves!

The item you want is not back there. The reason any clerk goes into "in the back" is to satiate you, and possibly to take a smoke-break. Even if the item is "in the back" -- crammed between a crate of toilet paper and a cardboard display set for a romantic comedy -- they are probably not looking for your item. If, by some miracle, they do bring back whatever you were looking for from "in the back" they most likely found it by accident.

"In the back" there are stacks of boxes. There are forklifts. There are cardboard balers. There are trash compacters. There are old merchandise displays. And there are clerks talking to other clerks about how much they hate customers who sent them to "in the back" to look for a discount piece of shit that the store doesn't carry anymore.

Thank you for shopping at our store, and have a nice day!

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1 comment:

  1. Customers who make clerks look "in the back" are of the Barb Burton school of tactics. For this, I want to wrap my fingers around their pushy necks until they choke and are gasping for air. I want to see their skin pale from lack of oxygen and see their eyes screaming for air. Boy, it's a good thing I'm not a store clerk...

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