I'd Like to Apologize . . .

. . . and show my appreciation to all the people whose toilets I've ralphed in over the years:

• First and foremost, there is my parents' toilet -- there were many toilets in the many houses that we've lived in over the years, but for all intents and purposes we'll consider them one toilet -- thank you for letting me wretch out my innards whenever I was sick.
• I'm sorry to the girls that lived across the hall from me in the dorms last year for coming into your room drunk, puking in your toilet, and then passing out on your futon.
• I thank my roommates from the first two years of my college career for understandingly letting me vomit in our toilet, and not being too pissed off when I didn't exactly clean it up for a while.
• Thanks to my fraternity brothers that let me hack it up in their bathroom the first time I smoked pot.
• Please forgive me, Stellar and Nic-O-Bob, for coming to your apartment and being too drunk and stupidly eating left-over pizza directly leading to me tossing it back up in your toilet in the middle of the night this past weekend.

I think that's it. If I've forgotten anyone, I deeply apologize.