Star Wars Parody

Pink Five Strikes Back.

Wouldn't Be Surprised

"This past weekend George Lucas announced the title to the final Star Wars movie. It's called, "I Hope You Geeks Have Some Money Left To Go See This Piece Of Shit Fifty Times In The Theatre; Not To Mention Buy All Of The Overpriced Merchandise To Fill Your Bedroom In Your Mom's Basement". The fans have taken to calling it Episode III."
--T-shirt Hell Newsletter

No Pulse

Finally, geriatric cyborgs.

Admission Essay

Prologue:
As part of my job, I enroll transfer students into classes. I am handed their file (which includes their transcripts, their major, their desired classes, and their application). Along with their application is their admission essay.

Sometimes I read the essays. I don't know if it's allowed or not, but I do. I think it gives me insight into who this person is, and what classes they might take. And plus, I'm just nosey. Some of them are quite interesting. There is this one girl from France who can speak three languages fluently (and knows rudiments of two more) and wants to be a diplomat, an ambassador of some kind. There was another person that wrote of their rough home-life in high school, of their descent into depression, their battle with drugs, and then their recovery and renewed desire to educate themselves.

And then there came this one. It apalls me. Not only because of the poor writing (mind you, this person is working towards a Bachelor of Science in English; furthermore, a Pre- Elementary Education degree) and disgusting subject matter -- living in the rural Midwest, I've heard this discriminatory rhetoric for years. I was astonished that someone would write so much close-minded nonsense as their application essay to an established, liberal arts college, AND THEY STILL GOT IN! The abomination is as follows [with my comments in red]:

Same Sex Unions

I believe that same sex unions are wrong, not only because the Bible says so [I hope you have "proof" to back up that this is what the Bible actually says.], but that it just doesn't make any sense to me. [Fair enough. It doesn't make sense to you, but why does that make it wrong?]

How can you be a happy family when it seems to me that your roles would be confused. Who is the Mom? [Just a guess here: the women?] Who is the Dad? [Another shot in the dark: the men?] Will there even be children? [If there's a mom or dad, I'm guessing there'll be children.] Imagine a child going to kindergarten, and being asked his mother's name and his answer being William Edwardson. [Why wouldn't he just say that he has no mother? Plenty of kids don't have moms.] What is your father's name and his answer being Richard Edwardson. I realize children will always tease other children but I don't believe parents should give them just another reason. [Or perhaps if we teach them to understand homosexuality, having two queers for parents won't even be a tease-worthy offense.] I am a single mother [My heart breaks for your child.], because I chose to remove my daughter and myself from a domestic violence situation [But, wait, you had a perfectly happy, "normal," heterosexual family, complete with unconfused roles and whatnot, how could this happen?], and there are people who still tell me that I didn't try hard enough to make things work with her father. [Despite how ignorant you've been thusfar in your application essay, at least you were smart enough to take your child and yourself out of this situation.] People are always judging us [How do you thing homosexuals feel about being judged?], because we are border-line poor and I don't really care if we receive child support because it is just another example of him not wanting anything to do with his daughter. I feel my daughter is lucky, because she is still alive despite her father constantly threatening to kill her when he got angry. [weren't we talking about something else?] She still finds it difficult to explain her situation to other children and we have been out of the situation for almost five years. [What were we talking about?] It hurts me deeply to see her suffering because of my poor decisions and I just think it would be compounded tenfold for children of same sex unions. [Oh yeah, that's what we were talking about.]

I also don't believe that someone can just wake up one day and decide that they are a homosexual. [Neither do I.] I have heard stories of people who have been married to someone of the opposite sex for years, who just decide they just don't like that person anymore because they want to be with someone of the same sex. [Maybe they still do like that person, they just don't want to continue to lie to them and pretend to feel a certain way towards them.] They may already have children from this previous marriage, how do they explain this to those children? [Probably very similarly to how you explained to your daughter why she couldn't see Daddy anymore.] Step-families are difficult enough without adding this new dimension.

I truly believe everyone has a right to be happy and prosper but I just don't understand how you can be fundamentally happy when you know that you are dong something wrong against GOD's word and ultimate plan for your life. [Maybe they/I know of different Gods that go by the same name. My God is all-loving and all-understanding. No offense to your god, but he sounds kind of petty and controlling.] GOD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of homosexuality and other vulgar acts (Genesis 19:24 & 25). [Finally, your Biblical "proof." I'm going to go on a rant at this juncture, if I may -- and I may because it is my website. For reference, here is the story of Sodom & Gomorrah. "Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven; and he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground" (Genesis 19:24-25). While this does explain how God destroyed those two infamous cities, it doesn't explain why. Could it be because of the cities' "homosexuality and other vulgar acts?" Well, I'll agree with you on the "vulgar acts" part. Despite the fact that many of the men in that place were gay, I don't believe this story is depicting that as the reason for the cities' destruction. I believe it was because all the men in the town wanted to rape the two angels that God had sent to rescue Lot. Whether or not the story is making a correlation between homosexuals and rapists is debatable. In fact, the whole reference to homosexuality in this story is very minimal. The tale is really, as I see it, a myth meant to depict the dubious and despicable beginnings of two tribes that warred with the Hebrews, the Moabites and the Ammonites -- named after the two sons/grandsons (Moab and Ben-Ammi) of Lot and his incestuous daughters. But I digress.] It angered GOD so much that he couldn't endure it, so what do we expect him to do to our country if we continue down this path? I really think this issue boils down to America being a country that was founded on a belief in GOD [Again, I think think we're talking about different Gods here.], turning its back on him and thumbing its nose at him and daring him to punish it. [And possibly different Americas, too. Actually, that sounds like something a terrorist would say.]

I truly believe that President Bush [Is he your god?] should just pass a constitutional amendment [Your lack of knowledge about the democratic process in this country is astounding.] banning same sex unions. I further believe all of us as citizens should contact our legislators and remind them of the religious foundations of our country [Because the superstitious nature and often-homicidal zealotry of the Pilgrims -- the crazy religious nuts that England didn't want -- is much to be admired.] and ask them to vote against same sex unions and bring our country back to it's moral foundation. [And why not take away black people's freedom and women's right to vote while we're at it?]

Soundtrack to Kirksville Summer 2004

Prove It to the World -- MxPx
You're So Last Summer -- Taking Back Sunday
All Around the Bus Stop -- .rod Laver
Circles -- Soul Coughing
Devil in Jersey City -- Coheed & Cambria
Hey Mama -- Black Eyed Peas
The Game of Who Needs Who the Worst -- Cursive
Under Pressure -- David Bowie & Queen
Meant to Live -- Switchfoot
Open Road Song -- Eve 6
Hanging Around -- Counting Crows

30

I haven't even seen 1/3 of AFI's 100 Greatest Movies:

1. "Citizen Kane," 1941
2. "Casablanca," 1942
3. "The Godfather," 1972
4. "Gone With the Wind," 1939
5. "Lawrence of Arabia," 1962
6. "The Wizard of Oz," 1939
7. "The Graduate," 1967
8. "On the Waterfront," 1954
9. "Schindler's List," 1993
10. "Singin' in the Rain," 1952
11. "It's a Wonderful Life," 1946
12. "Sunset Boulevard," 1950
13. "The Bridge on the River Kwai," 1957
14. "Some Like it Hot," 1959
15. "Star Wars," 1977
16. "All About Eve," 1950
17. "The African Queen," 1951
18. "Psycho," 1960
19. "Chinatown," 1974
20. "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest," 1975
21. "The Grapes of Wrath," 1940
22. "2001: A Space Odyssey," 1968
23. "The Maltese Falcon," 1941
24. "Raging Bull," 1980
25. "E.T. - The Extra-Terrestrial," 1982
26. "Dr. Strangelove," 1964
27. "Bonnie and Clyde," 1967
28. "Apocalypse Now," 1979
29. "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," 1939
30. "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre," 1948
31. "Annie Hall," 1977
32. "The Godfather Part II," 1974
33. "High Noon," 1952
34. "To Kill a Mockingbird," 1962
35. "It Happened One Night," 1934
36. "Midnight Cowboy," 1969
37. "The Best Years of Our Lives," 1946
38. "Double Indemnity," 1944
39. "Doctor Zhivago," 1965
40. "North by Northwest," 1959
41. "West Side Story," 1961
42. "Rear Window," 1954
43. "King Kong," 1933
44. "The Birth of a Nation," 1915
45. "A Streetcar Named Desire," 1951
46. "A Clockwork Orange," 1971
47. "Taxi Driver," 1976
48. "Jaws," 1975
49. "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," 1937
50. "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," 1969
51. "The Philadelphia Story," 1940
52. "From Here to Eternity," 1953
53. "Amadeus," 1984
54. "All Quiet on the Western Front," 1930
55. "The Sound of Music," 1965
56. "M*A*S*H," 1970
57. "The Third Man," 1949
58. "Fantasia," 1940
59. "Rebel Without a Cause," 1955
60. "Raiders of the Lost Ark," 1981
61. "Vertigo," 1958
62. "Tootsie," 1982
63. "Stagecoach," 1939
64. "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," 1977
65. "The Silence of the Lambs," 1991
66. "Network," 1976
67. "The Manchurian Candidate," 1962
68. "An American in Paris," 1951
69. "Shane," 1953
70. "The French Connection," 1971
71. "Forrest Gump," 1994
72. "Ben-Hur," 1959
73. "Wuthering Heights," 1939
74. "The Gold Rush," 1925
75. "Dances With Wolves," 1990
76. "City Lights," 1931
77. "American Graffiti," 1973
78. "Rocky," 1976
79. "The Deer Hunter," 1978
80. "The Wild Bunch," 1969
81. "Modern Times," 1936
82. "Giant," 1956
83. "Platoon," 1986
84. "Fargo," 1996
85. "Duck Soup," 1933
86. "Mutiny on the Bounty," 1935
87. "Frankenstein," 1931
88. "Easy Rider," 1969
89. "Patton," 1970
90. "The Jazz Singer," 1927
91. "My Fair Lady," 1964
92. "A Place in the Sun," 1951
93. "The Apartment," 1960
94. "Goodfellas," 1990
95. "Pulp Fiction," 1994
96. "The Searchers," 1956
97. "Bringing Up Baby," 1938
98. "Unforgiven," 1992
99. "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner," 1967
100. "Yankee Doodle Dandy," 1942

here & there

thank you for being there
and being square
and being hip
enough to listen to
Huey Louis & The News with me
it's news to me
how much i mean to you
i was always mean to you
but you knew i was kidding all along
a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away
a rogue fell in love with a princess
and that's just how i felt
when you were there with me

Rating

My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?

From the Inside

Stellar, after you recover from your surgery, I hope you feel as beautiful as you've always been.

We Waged War with the Heavens

With enough firepower to invade a small nation, we assaulted the skies. The parkinglot battlefield is scortched with gun powder and littered with debris.

Our casualties: A few singed hairs, a couple burnt thumbs, a sunburn or two, and a welt from a misfired firework. But the atmosphere will forever remember this assault.

Beer, barbeque, explosives, and needless destruction. I've never felt so American.

Not Very Cynical

I found a smile on Highway 11 at 1:15am.

This smile didn't come from a friend or a family member or a girlfriend. It didn't come from anything I did or anywhere I went. It didn't come from a bottle or a cigarette or a drug. It came from somewhere inside me that I guess I'd forgetten.

To tell you the truth, I have no idea where it came from, and I don't really know how long it will stay. But it's here, and I like it. So, please, let me keep it for as long as it lasts.

It's All Lawrence Arms and Jimmy Buffet

For some reason, all I've been listening to for the past few days is Jimmy Buffet (of "Cheeseburger Paradise" and "Margaritaville" fame) and punk rockers Lawrence Arms (of no fame). Odd combination.

Nigger

I can say it, and you can't stop me.