Bumper Sticker

I was driving down the highway, minding my own business, when I checked my rear view mirror. To my surprise, I found a pair of eyes staring back at me. The eyes themselves didn't surprise me, nor did the fact that they stared at me intently. Rather, their proximity is what left me startled. The last time I'd checked there was no one in my back seat.

The eyes were almost close enough that I could have counted the individual rods and cones. Yet, these peepers were owned by someone in a separate vehicle. The vehicle behind me. Right fucking behind me.

I'm not the kind of guy that would put a bumper sticker on his car, but driving in Kansas City for the past nine months has made me want one that says If you can read this, you're too close.

Actually, I'd want something with little more oomph: If you can read this, get off my ass! or Why don't you check my prostate while you're back there?

Or maybe I could try reasoning with tailgating bumper-fuckers with something like I'm not afraid to wreck my Pontiac. How much do you like that Lincoln?

Anyway, I once took up thinking of bumper stickers that I wouldn't mind seeing on the road on my drive to work (way back, when I had to commute to Kansas). Here are some that I remember with a few more recent additions:

• I'm not a crazy woman driver. I'm from Johnson County.
• My other car is a bigger piece of shit.
• My child is an honor student, but I'm still and idiot.
• If this car is driving straight, the driver is having a seizure. Please assist.
• Kansas: We don't hate black people ... just as long as they live in Missouri.