New Therapy

• Superhero
• Part 10

“Good job!” Sandy told her daughter with a wide smile and strained enthusiasm. “That was a good ride, huh?” Sandy cheered on her daughter and stepped toward the horse.

“Yeah, I guess,” the thirteen-year-old girl said from atop an old brown mare. “Can you get me down now?” she sighed.

Sandy looked up at her daughter with bright eyes and a grin, but this façade was starting to show a few cracks. “Sure, honey.” With the help of the side-walker, the adolescent strained to swing one leg over the horse’s back and slid down the other side into her mother’s arms. Sandy handed the girl her cane, an ugly bare-metal crook with a four-pronged bottom. As the girl tried to hobble away, her mother yanked on the girl’s cumbersome back brace, trying to readjust it into its proper position. The daughter scolded her mother in embarrassment and struggled to get away. Sandy released her grip. The skinny girl wobbled, still unsteady on two legs and a cane. Despite her back brace, she still seemed to slouch, and her shoulders hunched over.

“That was a good job, Miranda,” said a man standing by the gate to the arena. To Miranda, he sounded just as insincere as her mother had.

“Dr. Kammerich, what are you doing here?” asked Sandy.

The doctor smiled and looked into the perpetually uncertain face of the young girl. “I need to talk to you about something. Something that might turn out to be very good news,” he addressed them both.

Miranda was tired of adults pretending to be happy around her. “Are you going to give me robot legs?” The two adults ignored her with more fake smiles and laughs. As she galloped like a snail beside them, they exchanged small talk about her progress with her equine therapy. Her mother told an embarrassing story about her first ride when she had nearly fallen off. Miranda rolled her eyes. The three reached the car and stopped. Dr. Kammerich laughed lightly. “Well, what I’ve got to tell you may change that. I’d like to start Miranda on a new therapy.”

“A new one?" Sandy was nervous. She knew how much stress these therapies were on her daughter. She hoped her already frustrated child wouldn't become even more upset. "This therapeutic riding seems to really be working, right Miranda?” Sandy said, gently tugging on her daughter’s ponytail.

“It’s better than the water therapy,” the girl said dryly. “I almost drowned, like, a thousand times.” Miranda laughed and snorted. Her mother smiled.

“Well, this therapy isn’t like that. It’s more medicinal.”

“We’re already doing the steroids once a week. And the supplements…” Sandy trailed off.

“It’s a new therapy that would preclude all the other ones.” He looked to Miranda. “You wouldn’t have to swim or ride horses or get steroids anymore.”

“That’d be cool,” Miranda said unconvinced.

“What kind of therapy is it? Why didn’t you tell us about it before?” asked Sandy. She was becoming suspicious.

“It’s a new therapy. It’s,” Dr. Kammerich hesitated, “experimental.” He knew he’d chosen the wrong word as soon as he said it.

“How experimental?”

The doctor looked from mother to child. “Miranda would be the first.”

Sandy looked down at her daughter, a thin frame leaning up against the family station wagon. Her overenthusiastic veneer fell from her face. She took Dr. Kammerich by the arm and pulled him off to the side. “I don’t want Miranda to be some guinea pig, having scientists and doctors poking and prodding her more than they already do. I don’t want her to be any more unhappy than she already is.”

“I understand your concern;” Dr. Kammerich continued, choosing his words carefully, “however, this might not just be a therapy. It could be a cure.”

“There is no cure for muscular dystrophy,” Sandy said.

Dr. Kammerich smiled. “Not yet.”

• Tags
• serial
• superhero

Bad Things, Good People

Bad things never happen to good people. Things happen to people, and then we decide which people and things are good and which are bad. And for some reason this matters, this goodness and badness. We can never just accept that things happen.

| Tags || pseudo-philosophy |

Ununemployed

I finally got a job! I start working the seventh of August at Farmers Insurance as a Expense Control Clerk.

| Tags || work |

Interview

• Superhero
• Part 9

Miranda disembarked from the elevator and looked around. To her right was the humming of office work: keyboards clacking, papers shuffling, people talking, and the occasional phone ringing. To her left was a high counter with two women behind it – one busy signing for a delivery and assuring someone over the phone that she had indeed scheduled the meeting for the next day, the other hardly moving, staring through thick-rimmed glasses at a computer screen. Miranda approached the latter. “Hello, my name is Miranda. I have an appointment with Mr. Sunder ... at two ....” She stopped. The woman with glasses didn’t even look up.

“What do you need, hon?” the other woman asked, cradling the phone in her neck and handing a clipboard back to the delivery man. “Yes, I sent him the file as an attachment last week,” she said into the phone.

“I’m here to see Mr. Sunder.”

“You have to unzip the file first before you can open it,” the reception said, then without missing a beat, “He’s down the hall on your left. Take another left at the water fountain. You’ll see a whole bunch of conference rooms on the right; his office is right across from those.”

“Not anymore,” the secretary with glasses finally spoke in a nasal east-side accent.

“What?” the other woman said, perhaps into the phone or perhaps to the secretary with glasses.

“Not anymore,” the woman with glasses said without looking up from her computer. “He moved to the fifteenth floor two weeks ago. They finally finished his office up there. It’s supposed to be real nice. Marie – Marie-from-HR Marie – she got the job as his new receptionist. She said it’s the easiest job in world. She said he’s not even in most days, and when he is in, he’s only there for a few hours, has one meeting and then goes home. She’s so lucky. I wish I had nothing to do.”

“I’m telling you, I sent the right file. It is just in zip format. You have to unzip it!” The other secretary had shifted attention to a fax machine that wouldn’t relinquish an apparently important document.

The woman with glasses finally looked up, saw Miranda still patiently waiting at the counter, and said with a fake pleasantness, “Fifteenth floor. Can’t miss it.”

Alex sat in his rolling office chair behind a large wooden desk in an ornately furnished fifteenth floor office. It was the only office on the fifteenth floor but was small enough to make room for his conference room, washroom, gym, dining room, napping room, and the fifteenth floor’s lobby that housed his secretary.

A voice sprang from the intercom. “Your two o’clock is here to see you, Mr. Sunder.”

“Thank you Marie. Send her in.” Marie showed the shy, young woman into the office. Miranda shook Alex’s hand and took a seat in one of the big leather chairs facing the desk. “Thank you, Marie. Could you bring us some bottled water? Thanks.”

Alex looked over the young girl sitting before him. She was shorter than he expected, and younger. She seems shy and unsure of herself. Alex had immediate reservations. Still she had interest enough to answer the ad and guts enough to actually show up. “Where are you from?”

Miranda cleared her throat and said, “I’m living in an apartment on the east side, down on 101st.”

Alex smiled. “Where’s that accent from?”

“Oh, well, I grew up in the Midwest.”

Grew up? Alex thought, This girl is still growing up. “Any place I’d know?”

“A small town in the middle of nowhere.” Miranda shrugged.

“Well, let’s get down to it. Why do you want to be a sidekick to a superhero?”

Miranda looked around nervously. “Because I have a power?”

“A superpower?”

“I guess.”

Alex leaned in, interested. “Oh do you now?”

• Tags
• serial
• superhero

Confession

Unless I'm in a hurry, I sit down to pee. You know why? Because it's comfortable and because I can. If that makes me less of a man, then so be it; I'm less of a man who takes comfortable pisses.

| Tags || gender | piss |

Ghost Stripper

Have you ever wanted to see a ghost stripper? I did, once. How foolish and naive I was back then.

| Tags || ghost |

The Pledge of Allegiance

I never knew that the Pledge of Allegiance was such a young tradition. I had always figured that it was as old as the flag itself.

| Tags || history |

00010011

life and death are an
existential datastream
of ones and zeros.

| Tags || robot | poem |

36%

"Zach is 36% gay!

Loosen up my straight mate! These days women like a man with some softer edges to grab onto."

Results from the Gay-O-Meter test.

| Tags || sexuality | quiz |

Help Wanted

• Superhero
• Part 8

The phone rang. Alex was sitting on the couch watching Batman reruns. He eyed the phone suspiciously and hesitated before standing up, picking up the receiver, and answering. The voice on the line was female and shy. She said, “I’m calling about the want ad in the paper.” Alex waited for her to continue. “Is it … is it serious?” she asked. For the fourth time that morning Alex regretted ever putting the job post in the Help Wanted section of the New City Herald. The ad read:

Superhero seeks sidekick. Must be a self-starter and able to take direction. Powers a plus. Some typing required. Serious applicants only. Call 555-5576 for more information. EOE

“Yes, it’s serious,” Alex replied with a sigh. The last person to call had just started laughing at this point. Alex mentally braced himself for a barrage of taunting.

“Well, uh, how do I, like, apply?”

It was Alex’s turn to ask, “Are you serious?”

There was a moment of silence, then the female voice said, “Well, yeah, if … you are.” Alex stammered an assurance. He was amazed, and a little skeptical, that someone was finally taking his want ad seriously. Is it just someone playing along to get a good laugh at my expense? Or is this one real? Despite his reservations, Alex suggested a time and place for an interview the next day. The voice on the other end agreed.

Alex set the receiver back in the cradle and sat back into the couch. Batman and Robin were battling henchmen with Bam! and Pow! springing from their landed punches. The two ended up back-to-back. They ducked in unison and let two villains punch each other over their heads. A smile slowly spread across Alex’s face.

• Tags
• serial
• superhero

Hire Me

Gimme a job!

| Tags || career |

00010010

the butterfly lands,
is smashed in a metal hand.
what is its function?

| Tags || poem |robot |

00010001

butterflies flutter.
the robot extends an arm
to catch an insect.

| Tags || robot | poem |

00010000

life moves around it.
what does all this data mean?
the robot wonders.

| Tags || poem | robot |

Diploma

I got my diploma in the mail today!

Now if only I could get a job in the mail.

| Tags || school | job |

Caveat Emptor

I went camping and canoeing over this Memorial Day Weekend on the Little Niangua. It was pretty fun; however, if I had to do it over again, I would not rent canoes from Maggard's Canoe.

They tacked on hidden fees and charged us inflated rates not mentioned in their brochure or on their website. By the end of it, we paid nearly double what we had originally calculated.

Besides that, though, they were also rude and inhospitable. I didn't expect them to treat us like we were at a fancy resort in Aspen, but common courtesy would have been nice.

So, if you're ever going canoeing in the Missouri Ozark area, do not rent canoes from Maggard's Canoe. They are a bunch of thieving, angry hillbillies who don't deserve your money.

| Tags || memorial day | canoeing |

The DaVinci Caffufle

So, I saw The DaVinci Code movie (having read the book about a year ago) and was quite impressed with how well it was made and how true to the book it was. Good job, Howard et al.

However, for the past week I've ashamedly watched about three hours of DaVinci Code commentary, most of it trying to "disprove" or "discredit" Dan Brown's novel. It makes me angry. You know why? Because THE DAVINCI CODE IS A WORK OF FICTION!

It is not a textbook. It is not a historical account. It is not a factual documentation. It is a work of fucking fiction. It is not something that you can argue with. You can disapprove of the novel, but you dan't disprove it, because it didn't really happen! It is a work of fiction, perhaps based on some facts, but even the characters in the novel are in dispute over the veracity of the "facts" they present.

So, what I would like everyone who has some beef with The DaVinci Code to do is this: Step back, take a deep breath, and shut the fuck up. Give Dan Brown a break. His only crime has been writing an exciting, intruiging book.

| Tags || movie |

End of (School) Days

So, amid the heavy drinking, packing, paper writing, working, driving, and job interviews over the past week, I graduated. Somewhere in there, I donned a cap and gown, shook hands with the president of the university, and actually graduated. I know; I couldn't believe it either!

The next step: Get a real job and find this so-called "real world."

| Tags || school |

God & Creation

Blake Ostler argues the classical concept of the creation of the cosmos:

1. If God possess aseity [self-existence] and exists, then he is not dependent on anything nor lacking in any conceivable manner (i.e., God is self-sufficient).
2. A self-sufficient being cannot manifest a need nor be enhanced by any action (1).
3. Every positive action requires an explanation sufficient to account for it (Criteria of Sufficient Reason).
4. Creation of the cosmos is a positive action.
5. A self-sufficient being could not manifest a reason sufficient to explain why it preferred existence of the cosmos to its nonexistence (1,2).
6. Hence, God did not create the cosmos (3,4,5). (Beckwith 8-9)

While this arguement is interesting, I think there are some gaps in its logic. I can agree completely with Assertion 1; if the nature of God is omnipotent, then he needs or wants nothing. However, Assertion 2 intends to limit God's omnipotence by saying that he "cannot manifest a need." This is the schoolyard philosopher's question "Can God make a rock so heavy even He can't move it?" If the answer is yes, then God isn't all-powerful, he can't even move a rock. If the answer is no, then God still isn't all-powerful, he can't even create a rock. Quite a conundrum.

This arguement falls into the realm of the moot, though. Being all-powerful precludes need, want, action, and enhancement. The assertion that God cannot manifest a need nor be enhanced by any action only seems to contradict omnipotence because that is the only way that limited human language can express limitless power. The arguement is mostly syntactical.

Assertion 3 seems ludicrous. There is no logical reason for why such a required explanation should exist to account for a positive action (or for a negative action, for that matter). I believe this assertion means to say that God must have had a reason for creating everything, but that, again, is projecting human reasoning onto a being of limitless power. As the Assertion 1 states, God doesn't need anything, let alone a reason for creation.

Assertion 4 is just stupid. I'll give Mr. Douglas Adams the credit for an excellent rebuttal: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

As I said for Assertion 2, the flaw of Assertion 5 is that it relies on limited human syntax to describe concepts that are limitless.

Assertion 6, while a derivative of faulty logic, is the most intriguing assertion of them all. Because if God did not create the cosmos, who did? It boggles the mind!

Works Cited

• Adams, Douglas. The Restaurant At the End of the Universe. New York: Pocket, 1982.
• Beckwith, Francis J., and Stephen E. Parrish. The Mormon Concept of God. Lewiston: The Edwin Mellen Press, 1991.

| Tags || god |

Desperate Deep-Sea Divers

I've been watching the first season of Desperate Housewives recently. It's pretty entertaining really, although a little frustrating, simply because no one ever tells the truth. When discussing the show with The Magster's roommate, she said, "That show is full of liars . . . conivers . . . scuba-divers!" I don't know what that means exactly, but it was pretty funny.

| Tags || tv |