Minimum Rage Job

INT. - CHECKOUT COUNTER OF A SUPERMARKET

Mark rings up item after item, bored with his menial task. He doesn't smile, talk to, or even acknowledge the presence of the customers. Like a zombie moonlighting as a cashier, Mark is emotionless except for the unrelenting desire to crack open the skull of the next annoying, nagging customer in his seemingly never ending checkout line. The customers fly by in fast motion, stopping for some highlights:

MAN 1

I think you scanned that twice.

Fast forward.

WOMAN 1

Oh, wait. I have a coupon for that.

Fast forward.

MOM 1

Writing a check while her young crying child tugs at her shirt

Pick out some candy. Pick out some candy. Pick out some candy. Nicolas, pick out some candy. Pick out some candy.

Fast forward.

MAN 2

Oh hell! I left my wallet in my car, can you hold on a second?

Fast forward.

WOMAN 2

How much?

MARK

$103.54.

WOMAN 2

How much?

MARK

$103.54.

WOMAN 2

That can't be right....

Fast forward. A smiling Old Woman stands staring at Mark, watching him scan her items. The register beeps with a slow and steady beat.

OLD WOMAN

Out of nowhere

Why don't you smile, young man?

MARK

Because I don't want to.

OLD WOMAN

You're not a very personable young man. And kind of rude.

MARK

Looking up from the scanning mechanism at the Old Woman for the first time.

I don't get paid to smile. That costs extra.

OLD WOMAN

In a huff.

Well!

MANAGER

Walking by and seeing something is wrong

Is there something wrong, ma'am?

OLD WOMAN

You're cashier here was just rude to me!

MANAGER

Mark?

MARK

What?

MANAGER

Gives Mark a stern look

MARK

Sighs. Deciding it better to avoid a conflict, turns to Old Lady

I'm sorry, ma'am. I was rude.

OLD WOMAN

Well, you've almost ruined my day. How much do I owe you?

MARK

Your total is $32.91.

Old Woman hands Mark several bills, and in turn Mark gives her change. All the while Manager watches.

OLD WOMAN

I hope you don't treat all of your customers like this.

Walks off perturbed.

MANAGER

I'm sorry, ma'am. I'll have a talk with him.

To Mark

Mark, what was that?

MARK

She told me to smile, and I told her I didn't want to.

MANAGER

Mark, part of your job is customer relations. You are the last face that the customer sees before he leaves the store.

MARK

What about the greeters at the door?

MANAGER

Mark, focus. You can't be negative, or the customers will leave here with a negative impression of our store.

MARK

OK.

MANAGER

You have to smile, Mark. And you have to talk to them.

MARK

Like what? I don't have anything to say.

MANAGER

Small talk. Talk to them about the items they're buying. Anything. Just make them feel comfortable, and they'll walk out of here wanting to come back. And hopefully soon. Do you understand, Mark?

MARK

I guess.

A customer puts her items on Mark's counter. Manager looks at Mark and gives him a nod and points to his smiling mouth. Mark puts on a strained smile. Manager nods in approval, then motions for Mark to continue.

MARK

As he begins to scan the woman's items, he holds up a bag of apples

So. . . . Buying apples, huh?

WOMAN 3:

Yep.

MARK

Mark looks to Manager for help. Manager looks at Mark as if to say, "Keep going."

Well, uh, you know what they say about apples: An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Manager smiles in approval

WOMAN 3:

Smiles

It's true. I love apples.

MARK

Struggling to continue the conversations, he looks to Manager and then to the next item in his hand, a box of douches.

And you know what they say about douching: A douche a day keeps the . . . uh. . .

Woman 3 looks at Mark disgusted and embarassed. Manager shakes head and releases a deep sigh.

Computer Teachers

Cynical McBrother: I'm going to sub tomorrow.
Mr. McBastard: for whom?
Cynical McBrother: an elementary computer teacher
Mr. McBastard: they have computer teachers now?
Cynical McBrother: yeah
Mr. McBastard: what's next cyborg guidance councilors?
Cynical McBrother: *beep boop beep* you're good at math, Mr. McBastard. *beep beep boop* you should be an automechanic boop

With Me

"most of all, i want some one that is willing to build a relationship. a health and stable relationship.


with me." --Terry Anna

Book Meme

From farkleberries:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

"In particular, they are adept at finding various sorts of similarities among patterns, at recognizing repeated (or almost repeated) patterns, at filling in the missing parts of incomplete patterns, and at transforming patterns into others with which they have been associated."

--John Haugeland, "What is Mind Design?" Mind Design II

life.pl

$life = "bitch";
if $life = "bitch" then {
die;
}

Walking Down the Sidewalk

I am hard. I am stone-faced. I smoke cigarettes and squint into the sun. I don't smile and I don't look anyone in the eye. How dare you, Cute Girl I Don't Know, to say, "Hi," to me and grin.

Breasts

One day Sven woke up with breasts. They hadn't been there the night before, but they were there now, and he liked them.

He spent fifteen minutes in the shower jiggling and juggling them, squeezing, turning, and gently bouncing them. He smiled.

Getting dressed was difficult; he didn't have a shirt that properly showed off his new assets. Everything he had was so loose. No one would even be able to see them! He looked over to the bed. There lay his sleeping wife. He'd always been jealous of her breasts He snuck over to her closet, took one of her blouses, and rushed out of the room.

On the way to work Sven almost wrecked his car. He was too busy ogling himself to notice the traffic around him. He was so pretty now. Pretty breasts. Pretty blouse. Pretty close to rear-ending that car! Sven took a deep breath and took his foot off the break.

A Favorite Quote

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

--Aristotle

Freshman Week

Today marks the end of a week of drunkenness and debauchery known as Freshman Week. It serves as a welcome to all the incoming freshmen to get them acquainted with college, but also gives the upperclassmen a chance to have one final Hoorah before classes resume.

And what a fucking loud Hoorah this year was. So, here's the tallies for the week:

• Nights drunk: 7
• Hang-overs: 3 (surprisingly few)
• Rum & Cokes: approx. 10 (lost count)
• Beers consumed: innumerable
• Beers chugged: approx. 10 (damn drinking games)
• Old friends seen: 6
• New friends made: everybody's my friend when I'm intoxicated
• Ladies loved: 1
• Ladies lost: see "Beers consumed"
• Times confused as a freshman: 3
• Times confused as the twin brother of Li'l John (alumnus of my fraternity): 7
• Lessons learned: 0
• Fun had: unlimited

Life Is Fleeting

As she enscribed VITA FVGIT down the back of my arm in the most permanent of inks, she told me that she recognized me from the time her high school's academic quiz bowl team played against mine. How odd that two people's lives would intersect at both an ubernerd convention and a shop of badassery.

Lazarus

After months of slow decay, this town is miraculously brought back from the dead. The denizens recoil much like worms and maggots suddenly bombarded by pumping veins and twitching nerves. Returning students reclaim lost territory and dead limbs, awaiting a fresh injection of freshman into this undead college town.

Money Can't Buy Happiness

But it can buy a whole lotta things that make me happy:

• new sound card
• 5.1 surround sound computer stereo system
• new DVD-ROM / CD-RW drive
• High Fidelity and The Big Lebowski DVDs

Quite a Gamble

I won over $10.00 today playing poker, Texas Hold 'Em exactly. I'm not good at bluffing and I bet on almost every hand, so fortunately my good luck outweighed my poor skill.

August Song

The summer streets
bleed bubbling black tar
and suffer with me
as they are abandoned
for sand and
taut naked flesh.
Lonely, left for dead
end streets
to swallow
and choke
me down like so much
beer and smoke.
Paper/plastic trash
carpet the floors with saved
aluminum cans
peppered with ash
and butts.  The fans
are replacement friends
and hum the droning
melody of my August song.

I Forgot That, Too

"Valentine's Day is coming? Oh man, I forgot to get a girlfriend again."
--Fry, Futurama

Found with Two Nasty Recliners and a Tiny Shelf

Hey, we left
ya some chrchairs
merry fukkkin
Christmas  --Hue
             Kendall

I Obviously Don't Get It

I'm watching VH1's "50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs . . . Ever" and I'm downloading about 1/3 of the songs.

Hugs

Kat: i think i need a hug

Cynical McBastard: *e-hug*

Kat: awww thats the first e-hug youve ever given me!! -huggles-

Cynical McBastard: awww

Kat: [my boyfriend]'s not being very loving right now

Kat: i figured hed miss me since we didnt talk yesterday at all. erf.

Cynical McBastard: that bitch

Kat: do you ever feel like.. if you dont get some sort of physical contact soon youre going to explode?

Cynical McBastard: uh, can't say that i do

Kat: guess its just me then

Cynical McBastard: i'm not a very touchy-feely person

Kat: neither am i. only with certain people

Kat: but its nice to be touched. and held. and hugged. and kissed.

Cynical McBastard: and eaten

Kat: dont be stupid

Cynical McBastard: :(

Cynical McBastard: that's what i do best

Kat: im glad were not friends in real life

Cynical McBastard: why's that?

Kat: i dunno

Kat: i like to be hugged. and i hate it when i cant feel close to a friend.

Cynical McBastard: well, if someone initiates a hug, i won't deny them one, i probably just wouldn't spontaneously hug you

Cynical McBastard: unless i saw you really needed it

Kat: im not one to spontaneously hug someone either. i have to have someone else initiate it. i have friends that ive known for years and years and ive never hugged because they dont hug me first. and it just seems awkward.

God

Cool or lame?

Avril Lavigne

Quit whining already.