Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Shrug

It was late for a visitor, but, nevertheless, Thomas answered the door. Miranda stood at the doorway smiling. He half-heartedly smiled back and invited her into his apartment. "I just came over to see how you're doing," she said. "You seemed pretty upset earlier today."

"Yeah, well, I guess I was," he replied. He walked over to the couch and plopped down. On the coffee table in front of him there was a glass of ice and a bottle of whiskey. Thomas filled the glass halfway. He stood up and walked to his kitchen saying, "Do you want a drink?" along the way.

Miranda declined and sat down on the couch waiting for Thomas to return. "Do you want to talk about anything?" she asked.

Thomas strolled out of the kitchen. "Like what?"

"Well, you haven't said much in the past few days. And today you seemed upset about something."

Thomas shrugged.

"The other night, the woman with the long arm... You... I mean, it must..."

Thomas waited for a complete sentence.

"You killed her. I mean, it was an accident, but you killed her. That's got to be tough to deal with. You don't want to talk about it?"

Thomas was nonchalant as he took a sip from his glass. He stared at the corner of the room for a moment. "It wasn't an accident."

"What?"

"It wasn't an accident. I meant to kill her."

"It was just the heat of the moment," Miranda reassured him. "You were just protecting me, protecting us."

"There was that. But also, I didn't want to just stop her. I wanted to kill her," Thomas said matter-of-factly. He looked at Miranda. Her eyebrows furled. She looked confused. "She would have killed us or someone else if given the chance. I felt bad about it at the time, and for a little while after, but I don't feel like I should regret it anymore. I killed her."

Miranda was not prepared to comfort someone who did not feel remorseful. She did feel sorry for Thomas, though. It showed on her face.

But Thomas resented her pity. "And I don't feel bad about what I did tonight," slipped out, perhaps because of the alcohol swirling through his veins.

"What did you do?"

"I got rid of a real evil that has been plaguing New City." Miranda waited for more facts. "I got rid of a crime boss and a murderer. I killed Harry "The Hammer" Kwan!" Thomas spilled some of his drink in his excitement.

"You killed him?" Miranda asked in disbelief. Thomas nodded. "But why?"

"Because he was a crime boss and a murderer," Thomas repeated.

Miranda stood up. "But you can't just go around killing people!"

"Why not? He did."

"But that's what makes us different for them. We stop crimes; we don't commit them," Miranda said.

"But how many crimes did I stop by committing just one?"

"You can't kill whoever you want, whenever you feel like it," Miranda said. She looked as thought she might cry. "It's just wrong."

Thomas shrugged and looked away. Miranda felt her chest tighten and her throat swell up. Her eyes burned. She was upset with Thomas's indifference. And disappointed.

The room was silent for a few moments. Then Miranda said, "I'm going to go." Thomas stood and turned to see her to the door, but she was already there, leaving.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Love Is Dental Hygiene

The legend goes that the toothbrush was not invented until the 1800's, many years after the widespread use of toothpaste. This is probably not true. I'm sure many toothbrush-like instruments and several toothpaste-ish concoctions were around millenia before someone decided to patent them. The fact is, though, that toothpaste and the toothbrush came about long after the need for keeping one's teeth clean was realized.

Nobody can accurately know when humans began to keep their teeth clean. I surmise it was around the time that we began to keep our hair tidy and gnaw our fingernails off. But whenever it happened, people began washing their teeth because, if they scraped gunk off the enamel or picked chunks out from between the molars or rinsed out their mouth, more of their teeth lasted longer and they were less prone to mouth infections. And people having more teeth and less disease later in life meant that they could eat more, and thus, they themselves would last longer. This is dental hygiene, but it wasn't called that then.

Fast forward many, many years later to the "invention" of the toothbrush. Here was a time when tooth care was made nearly obsolete by the miracles of the emerging field of dentistry. If someone found themselves lacking teeth, they could have a pair of dentures made and fitted. But original teeth were still valued, as well they should be, and the risk of loosing teeth was probably the same as it was many years before.

The toothbrush was "invented" not to advance tooth care, but to catch up to all the extra damage that was being done to human teeth by the increasingly corrosive and germ-attracting things people were putting in their mouths and eating. Civilization had allowed for humans to have easier access to more corrosive foods that could potentially cause more damage to their teeth. In order for a person to make their teeth last as long as they had previously, they had to take extra care of them. The toothbrush had become a necessity.

Then, sometime in the following century, it became not only necessary to keep all of your teeth, but also to keep all of your teeth looking good. Dental hygiene, as a term, was born.

But dental hygiene did not end there. Soon, it became not only necessary to have all of your teeth, but also to have all of your teeth be perfect. You had to keep them polished white as bleached bone to be considered to have good dental hygiene.

More recently, though, dental hygiene has given way to dental perfection. You must have perfectly aligned, spaced, shined, and white teeth in order to be considered to have good dental hygiene. The teeth you were born with are no longer good enough. You must straighten your teeth with retainers and braces and dye them unnatural shades of white. It is purely manufactured perfection, as fake as a porcelain white cap. This perfection means nothing, and the ideal exists only because people say it should. There is little practical advantage to having perfectly white, straight teeth, but if not striving for that goal means being ridiculed or shunned, most people opt to fit in.

There is and has always been a thing that, when applied to a relationship, makes it last better and longer. This is Love, but might not always be called that.

As civilization developed, society allowed for more caustic things to be applied to relationships: money, jobs, lifestyles, etc. A new form of bond was "invented." Love, as a term, was born.

More recently, though, Love has come to mean something inaccurately perfect, something fake and contrived. A relationship can be made to look better by being straightened and rearranged. This is what is now called Love. Love exists to the extent it does for its own sake, because people say it should. "All you need is love." "True love." "...but the greatest of these is love." "The greatest thing you'll ever learn / Is to love and be loved in return."

Love, now, is a fabrication. It has become something separate altogether from a relationship, something magical and mysterious and more desirable than the relationships it once enhanced. People now look for Love rather than a partner. It no longer matters how long the relationship lasts or how effective it is, just as long as it has the appearance of being perfect. Love, as it now defined, is a thin, brittle veneer covering a decaying tooth.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

The Hammer

Despite Thomas’s unpressed slacks and ineptly tied tie, the host (who more resembled a bouncer) had let him in. This was most likely due to the restaurant’s current lack of patronage. The near absence of customers was not because of the restaurant itself, but because few people, besides the two well dressed elderly couples near the back, saw fit to visit upscale restaurants at four o’clock. In fact, the restaurant had been just opening and gearing up for that evening’s business.

For hours Thomas had sat at the bar, ordering only as many rum and cokes in that course of time as to keep the bartender happy. Customers started to trickle in as the evening wore on. The dining area quickly filled up with wealthy and important-looking patrons.

Thomas made idle conversation with the bartender from time to time and had struck up an interesting dialog about the current state of the country with a man who had sat next to him for a while. For the most part, though, he stared into his glass and thought about what he’d said earlier that day: "Instead of wasting our time waiting for some ethereal evil shadow to fall over New City, or wasting our powers on stopping misdemeanors, we should be getting at the root of crime. We should be going after drug lords and crime bosses, the real evil in this city?" He waited.

Just as Thomas was starting to get a little buzzed and a little impatient, Harold Kwan, the owner of the establishment, entered the dining area and began mingling with some of the guests of his restaurant. Thomas took notice.

Even he has a cooler name than I do, Thomas thought. Harry "The Hammer" Kwan was not only a socialite and restaurant owner, but also a supposed drug runner and an alleged murderer. He had been arrested on several charges several different times, but nothing had stuck, and each time only one of his lackies had ended up being tried and imprisoned. After so much trouble with the law, Harry decided to "go straight," as he had told one tabloid a couple years ago, right before opening his restaurant. But few people believed his sudden turn to decent citizenship, least of all the local police and the FBI, who hand kept him under constant surveillance ever since. Thomas did not believe him either.

Thomas watched Harry from across the room. Harry smiled as he stepped a way from a table of two – someone who was possibly the channel 5 weather man and a young woman that Thomas at first guessed was the weather man's daughter, then, from the look of the kiss they gave each other, decided it was more likely his trophy wife or his mistress. Harry stopped at another table of two a few feet away and jovially slapped the man on back as he greeted them, an overweight, well dressed couple grazing on two small salads. Two men followed close behind Harry. They resembled the host of the restaurant in stature and demeanor, but were dressed as waiters. Thomas gazed on intently.

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the table yelped and pointed at her plate. Harry was shocked and immediately slid around the table to inspect her plate, but could find nothing wrong. The woman loudly insisted that something was wrong with her dish. Noticing that a few curious eyes from other tables were straying toward the woman and not wanting to cause a scene, Harry sternly instructed one of the waiters to take away the madame's salad and quickly bring a replacement. The waiter left in a hurry.

Thomas smiled as he watched Harry "The Hammer" apologize profusely to the couple. The man seemed happy and a little apologetic himself, but the woman continued to act indignant. Harry asked them something, perhaps what he could get for them as an apology. The two deliberated for a moment. The remaining waiter stood by patiently.

Without warning, the waiter's face changed from being calm to creased with pain. He grabbed at his head with one hand and his chest with the other. He doubled over and let out an anguished groan. Everyone at the surrounding tables looked on in confusion. Harry put his hand on the man's back and asked him something. The waiter suddenly stood straight up. He looked around himself, frightened. His eyes darted from face to face, looking for something familiar or friendly, but he found no one who understood what he was seeing. His eyes fell on Harry and he took a few scared steps backward.

Harry noticed that the strange actions of his waiter had caught the attention of nearly everyone in the room. He turned around and raised his hands to get everyone's attention. In a voice loud enough for Thomas to hear across the room, Harry said, "Please, stay calm everyone. I think Mikey here is just having a panic attack." Harry turned back around to see Mikey pulling a gun from his jacket pocket and pulling the trigger.

The back of Harry's head blew out across several tables of patrons. The accompanying gunshot was followed immediately by a chorus of screams. People scattered. Some tried to run for the exits, others ducked under their tables. The waiter who was returning with a replacement salad dove over a table and tackled Mikey to the ground, wrestling the gun from his hand.

Thomas finished his rum and coke and set his glass down on the bar. He meandered out of the restaurant, a little tipsy and a bit content.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Missed

I haven’t been posting regularly recently. Further, I have't been posting my serial story like I promised I would. And I appreciate those who have called me out on it (Thank you, The Magster and Pancake Wrangler). It helps me to know that I am actually being held accountable for my promises.

I haven’t been particularly busy lately, but I just haven’t felt like writing. It’s the apathetics’ version of writers’ block. So, I’m going to try to jumpstart my inspiration with a solid week of blogging. From tomorrow to next Saturday, I promise I will post at least once every day, or my name isn’t Cynical McBastard (which it isn’t). I want to post at least four Superhero updates (to make up for those I’ve been missing) and a couple discussion topics Justin and I have explored recently.

In the meantime, here are some topics that I missed blogging about:

  • It was my 24th birthday a couple weeks ago. I’m too young to say I’m getting old, but I’m too old to say I’m young.
  • I went to my first wedding of the year a few weeks ago. I’ve already got three more lined up, one of which I’ll be in (i.e., the Stellar + Matt wedding extravaganza). I just need to be invited to one more wedding to break last year’s record of four weddings attended.
  • I interviewed for a new job. It sounds like it will have some to do with technical/instructional writing, but for the most part be a jack of all trades. The interesting part is that I would be working with Justin (or “under” him I should say).
  • I went to the Royals opening day game on Monday. I had a great time sitting out in the parking lot, drinking beer, and eating burgers. And the game wasn’t bad either. The sun was spitting out carcinogenic rays, the weather was calm and beautiful, and the pretty girls were out in force – it was the perfect day for baseball. Plus, the Royals actually won, so that day might actually be classified as a miracle.
  • I started working out again. I was just tired of getting winded walking up a few flights of stairs and, in general, feeling like a slug. I haven’t exercised in over a year, and by the amount of huffing and puffing and sweating I do after a quick thirty minute workout, it’s pretty evident. I’m not aiming to lose weight or build huge muscles. I just want to stop feeling listless and lazy. And to not sigh or grunt when I bend over to pick something up.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Coincidence

"I think we should take it easy for a couple weeks, lay low. That woman has been front-page news for the past two days, and every tabloid in town is talking about freaks and masked madmen running amok in the city," Alex said. "And we should give ourselves some time to heal," he added, noticing just how big the bruise on Miranda's face had become. He wondered how her other injuries – a cracked rib, sprained wrist, the bruise across her back, and lesion on her head – were healing. Miranda was smiling, though, as she usually did. She lounged in a leather chair in Alex's living room, sipping a glass of vegetable juice like it was a shot of whiskey. The oversized chair fit her like a small couch. She rested her head on one cushioned leather arm, and her legs bobbed and swung aimlessly as she let them dangle over the side of the other arm. Miranda looked up from her V8 and was embarrassed to see Alex eying the unsightly green and brown mark on her cheek.

Alex was somewhat ashamed, too, that he'd come away with only a lump on his head and a concussion. Then he looked over to Thomas, ostensibly inspecting a bust of Socrates, but most obviously preoccupied with his thoughts.

Alex resented Thomas a bit, but he could not quite determine why. Perhaps it was because Thomas had used his power to decisively end the conflict, the fight with the long-armed woman, when he had previously only proven able to distract and confused criminals, while Alex himself had been helpless and unhelpfully unconscious. Or perhaps it was because of the odd mood that Thomas had been in since that night. Or maybe it was because Thomas had come through the whole ordeal unscathed. Alex felt the lump on the back of his skull. He doesn't have a mark on his body, he thought, not even a scratch.

"I feel that something big is about to happen, or maybe it already is happening," Alex said as he stood up. Thomas could tell that Alex was going into lecture mode. Miranda sat up slowly, holding her side, and continued to sip her juice. "First we had the 'New City Devil' kill a convenience store clerk, and now we have the 'Long-Arm Lady' attacking random people on the street. Something connects these two. Something or someone is behind these villains."

Thomas cringed at Alex's use of the word 'villains.' "They were probably just down-on-their-luck freaks high on meth." Miranda looked over at Thomas, surprised that he was talking. He had not said much in the past day. Thomas looked at Alex's stern face. "It is just a coincidence," he mumbled in conclusion.

"Nothing's a coincidence," Alex said. "These aren't isolated incidents. I can feel it." Miranda nodded as if she felt it, too. Thomas rolled his eyes. More superhero voodoo nonsense, he thought.

"There's something much bigger going on here. We just can't see it, yet. We need to wait until it shows itself again."

"Wait?" Thomas spoke up again. "Wait for what?" Alex was about to answer, but Thomas kept speaking, "I'm tired of waiting. We sit on rooftops and wait for what? For small-time robbers and would-be muggers?" Thomas looked to Miranda for support. There was compassion in her eyes, ever present as it was, but she offered no reinforcement. He looked back at Alex. "You're always saying that we're superheroes, right? So, shouldn't we be going after supervillians?"

Alex said, "We just got our butts kicked by a supervillain. Don't you think we could use some practice before whatever evil is coming gets here?"

"Spare me your super intuition power. There's no evidence and no reason to even believe that there is any connection between the crazy woman we fought the other night and that freaky Devil guy." Alex waited for Thomas to finish. His frustration grew. Thomas continued, "Instead of wasting our time waiting for some ethereal evil shadow to fall over New City, or wasting our powers on stopping misdemeanors, we should be getting at the root of crime. We should be going after drug lords and crime bosses, the real evil in this city?"

"I understand your zeal, but jumping right into the big leagues is dangerous. Some of us already put more than we can afford on the line as it is," Alex said.

"You're scared," Thomas said matter-of-factly. "You're scared to actually do something. You're scared to get your hands dirty."

"Thomas," Miranda said, trying to stand up fast. She winced and held her side.

"You're darn right I'm scared," Alex said taking a step toward Thomas. "When we come back with bruises and broken bones from one encounter with one person, you can bet I'm going to be scared. But I guess you wouldn't know anything about getting hurt, would you?"

"Guys," Miranda said.

"I did what I could. And at least I got the job done. I killed her before she killed you." There was a brief pause. This was the first time since that night that Thomas or anyone had mentioned the long-armed woman's gruesome death. "Maybe I should have let her work you over a little longer?"

"All right! Just stop it," Miranda commanded. Both men looked over at her. She was not smiling.

Thomas huffed, "I'm going home." He turned and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket as he walked. He lit it while he was still inside Alex's apartment. He knew Alex disapproved of smoking anything except expensive cigars.

Alex ignored the effrontery and tried to regain an air of authority by calling to Thomas as he walked away, "We all need some rest and some time to think. We'll meet up in a week and discuss the direction we each want the group to follow."

"Yeah right," Thomas said under his breath as he stepped through the apartment door.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Identity

I've been thinking a lot about identity recently, how it's formed, what it's made of. It seems that one's identity is a patchwork of self-assessment, societal labels, and scientific jargon. It all comes together to describe a person, but one's identity is never really who they are. They are more, much more than a bundle of ideas and words. Who I am is more than a demographic and a statistic.

But this does not mean that the labels that make up our identities are without value. Knowing how I am defined -- by myself and by others -- could be very useful for discovering who I am, why you am who I am, and how I got that way. Thus, I have tried to map out my identity along some major categories:

Category Identity Evidence Comments
sex male unambiguous male genitalia, male hormones, and masculine body/facial structure By “unambiguous” I mean readily identifiable and of adequate proportion and reasonable placement. And no, I don’t want to hear any dissenting opinions.
gender man view men as equals and opponents, objectify women, strive for self-reliance, am prone to violence, suppress emotional responses, prefer to communicate in terms of logical reasoning, view sex as power This one was a hard one, and I’m not sure I completely got it. Gender, as I’ve tried to define it here, is a construct of society. I tried to ask myself what traits I posses, positive or negative, that identify someone as a “man” in modern American.
sexual orientation non-deviant heterosexual perform sexual acts solely with and desire only opposite-sex sex partners I added the "non-deviant" with some reservations. By "deviant" I do not mean to say that what others may choose to do is bad or wrong. "Non-deviant," in this case, is a reference to the fact that I do not participate in any non-heterosexual activities. There are some people who engage in some homosexual acts, but are predominantly (morally, mentally, physically, or whatever the cause) heterosexual -- these I would consider to be "deviant" heterosexuals. Likewise, there are those who are homosexual who may, for whatever reason, perform heterosexual acts: deviant homosexuals. I'm not sure what the middle ground would be.
sexuality straight am uncomfortable with personal physical intimacy with same-sex/gender, refuse same-sex/gender sexual advances, approach only opposite sex/gender for sexual acts This differs from "sexual orientation," in my mind, in that "sexual orientation" is what a person desires and "sexuality" is what a person actually practices.
race Caucasian am descended solely from European Caucasians This is true as far as I know.
heritage white was brought up in a light-skinned family that claimed no inter-racial ancestors, think of people as white unless otherwise noted as "black," "Asian," etc. I had trouble with this one. My evidence seems forced.
class status middle-class had my essential needs taken care of (and them some) while growing up, have a sustainable sustainable lifestyle, do not have an overwhelming amount of debt, have a post-high school education Although I don't know exactly what demarcates the different classes, I think it's fairly easy to identify them.
religion non-affiliated do not attend any religious service, do not appreciate circular logic and self-aggrandizement often associated with religion I almost wrote "post-Christian" for this one. By this I would have meant that I still appreciate the mythology and literature of Christianity, but do not necessarily believe that any of it is true or particularly relevant to my or any other modern life.
spiritual belief agnostic believe that there is some purpose to my life and human life in general, do not know or particularly care to know the source or scope of this purpose "Agnostic" means "without knowing." For me, agnosticism is not only not knowing what greater power may or may not exist, but also being content in not knowing. Atheism is too adamant for my tastes.
political party affiliation Libertarian oppose the recent fusing of Republican party with the religious right, find many Democratic viewpoints too socialistic, oppose overreaching government involvement in my personal and business life and the lives of others I've never voted Libertarian, nor am I registered. I would have very recently aligned myself with the Democratic party, but some recent political reading has led me to realize that I would like our nation to pursue the tenets of the Libertarian party platform: less government, more personal responsibility.
political ideology conservative believe that government money should be collected in equal shares and should only be spent on services that benefit or can be enjoyed by every citizen, would prefer less government to the point of anarchy rather than more government to the point of socialism I recently told someone, much to their chagrin, that I am more closely an Anarchist than an espouser of a republic or a democracy. If a representative government is equally likely to slide into either an all-governing socialism or free-for-all anarchy, I'll choose anarchy.

Friday, March 16, 2007

First

Alex heard quick footfalls echo through the quiet night. Someone was running. What are they running from? Alex wondered. Or what are they running to? He jogged to the opposite edge of the building and looked each way down the sparsely lit street below him, but the source of the sound had faded into the darkness. Alex saw a man slowly walking in his direction carrying some sort of duffel bag. In the other direction down the street, he saw two moving figures at the limit of his vision. They were prostitutes. He’d talked with them before, letting them know that he did not approve of their choice of careers, but if they ever needed any help, to yell for him. They both had laughed and one had said, “Hey, Superguy, for fifty bucks I’ll let you look at my bat cave.”

Alex listened. He could not hear the running footsteps any more. A car slowly meandered across an intersection some blocks away. A figure stumbled out of a doorway in a building across the street. It wobbled for a moment then quickly descended the stoop stairway. The figure had long hair and an odd shape to its body. It spotted the man with the duffel bag and began to run toward him. It screamed something in a woman’s voice.

The man with the duffel bag turned to see the woman fast approaching. He wasn’t sure whether she was coming for him or running past. He looked around the dark and empty street to see what else might be provoking this woman. He turned to run just as the woman reached him. She tackled him. Her arms flew up and down striking him repeatedly as he cowered in fear and confusion underneath her.

Alex pressed his finger to his temple, activating the communicator in his mask. “Fire Ant, Confusio – eh, Mind Bender – action in the street.” He stood up and waved his hand to the two other superheroes a couple rooftop corners away. “One-on-one attack, one block over. Meet at my position on street-level.” He pointed down to the street three stories below. The other two nodded and began their descent down a rickety fire escape. Alex, using a high-tension line and a clip from his belt, repelled down the side of his building and within moments was joined by his two cohorts in crime fighting. They advanced on the attack in progress.

The man with the duffel back clutched it loosely and did not move. Unconscious, dead, or playing dead? Miranda thought as they came within yards of the attack. The attacker still sat on top of her victim but had ceased hitting him. She gripped him by the collar and asked him repeatedly, “Who are you? Where is he? What did he do to me?” Occasionally she would scream unintelligibly. No one in the surrounding buildings turned on their lights or poked their heads out of their windows. The whores down the road had taken off, lest the cops come around to break up the fight.

As they approached the violent woman, she suddenly turned to face the superheroes. Her hair was mussed, her eyes wide, and her face was flushed. She jumped up and rushed toward them, flailing her arms. She was nearly as tall as Alex, but seemed much lighter and lankier, though her frame was concealed by her long trench coat. She looked like a hunchback. One shoulder gently sloped down; the other was bulbous and disproportionately large. The arm of that shoulder was thick, stiff, and ended in a stub rather than a hand. Alex was confident he could subdue this crazed, deformed woman.

While Miranda veered around the attacker, checking on her victim, Alex met the wild-eyed woman and grabbed at her arms, but she quickly had him backpedaling. Her slender frame had belied her strength (or, more accurately, her ferocity). Alex struggled to restrain her, trying to gently tell her, “Calm down.” She didn’t hear him or she didn’t care, and quickly forced Alex up against the nearest apartment building. “Do something!” he shouted over to Thomas.

"I am!" Thomas shouted back. He looked desperate and panicked. "I think she's too hopped up on drugs or something for me to get through!"

"He's still conscious," Miranda said, still leaning over the man with the duffel bag. She instructed him to crawl to safety and then dashed to help Alex.

Miranda reached up on the taller woman and grabbed an arm and her coat collar. She yanked the hysterical woman back and sent her flying into the street. The woman immediately bounded back up and screamed, roared actually, at the trio. She yelled, quite unintelligibly, "Why are you protecting him? Where did he go?" The three superheroes were barely able to understand her insane-sounding questions. They stared her down and stood their ground.

The woman screamed again. With much ado, she began to gyrate her stubby arm and hunched shoulder. Then suddenly, the sleeve of her trench coat became shredded and an arm as long as the woman was tall whipped out from inside. Miranda ducked as a large hand flew toward her and grazed her head. Thomas was stunned. "What the crap!" he managed to mutter.

Alex took advantage of the long, slow arc of woman's impossibly long arm. He vaulted over Miranda and dove at the long-armed woman. He tackled her to the ground and slapped on a full nelson. Undaunted, she reached behind her back with her long arm and gripped Alex's head like a grapefruit with her over-sized hand. Alex grunted as she squeezed his skull and pulled, stretching his neck. She rolled over and slammed his head into the ground as she did so. Dazed, Alex loosened his grip. The long-arm woman broke free.

"I'm going to kill him!" the long-armed woman screamed, perhaps regarding Alex, perhaps regarding her long-gone would-be killer. Before the crazed woman could stand, Miranda grabbed her long arm tightly. The small woman pulled hard on the arm, yanking the taller woman off her feet. Miranda then swung the woman around in a semicircle and released her. She sailed across the other half of the street and over the sidewalk, landing four feet from Thomas's feet. Not knowing what to do, Thomas lunged at her. She swatted him in midair with her large palm. He fell to the ground some feet away and rolled several more.

Miranda advanced toward the enraged woman who was just getting up. The much smaller woman with arms of reasonable length, did not anticipate her obvious disadvantage in reach. Miranda was met with an incredibly powerful sock to the midsection. Even through her body armor, Miranda's midsection caved to the blow. She doubled over and sank to her knees, trying to regain her breath.

The long-armed woman was about to strike again, but her large fist was caught by both of Alex's hands. The two, the superhero and his villain, stood regarding one another for a moment. There was a disturbing twinkle in the woman's eye, something manic and disoriented. She was frothing at the mouth and breathing heavily. Alex wanted to say something to her, to try to understand her, to try to sympathize with her. She flung her arm, with him still holding it, over her head. He was sent head first into the building behind her. He crumpled to the ground.

Miranda was breathing now, deep breaths, trying to catch up on the oxygen she had missed out on. A large hand grabbed her side, its fingers nearly encompassing her waist. Miranda yelped with her new found breath. The long-armed woman lifted the small girl off her feet, then slammed her to the hard concrete on her back.

The young girl woman was limp for a moment, then came back to consciousness just as the long-armed woman began raining down quick jabs with fists large and small. Miranda tried weakly to fend off her attacker. The sharp blows alternated between her head and her midsection. Miranda curled into the fetal position and covered her head with her hands to protect herself. Several more painful blows struck her back and her side. A large hand wrapped around Miranda's ankles and she found herself being dragged down the street. "What do you know? What did he do to me?" the long-armed woman asked feverishly. The long-armed woman stopped and lifted the small girl off the ground upside-down. Miranda opened her eyes. Her head swam and her vision was blurred. "Why won't you answer me?"

The woman raised Miranda higher and seemed about to smash her to the ground once again, when someone shouted, "Stop it!"

The woman dropped Miranda, and the superheroine landed painfully on her shoulder. She looked up to see Thomas standing before the woman, their eyes on the same level and with an intense look. The woman reached for Thomas with her large hand. She stopped halfway, and her hand began to shake. Then her arm. Then her whole body. With her small hand, she touched her face, as if to see whether it was still there. Thomas breathed heavily. He looked as though he was in a trance.

A trickle of blood crept out of each of the tall woman's nostrils. She tried to wipe it away with her small hand, but smeared it across her cheek. She still trembled. Her arm still reached for Thomas. She began to whimper.

The long-armed woman's hand slid down her face and felt around her neck. She lifted her chin but never broke eye contact with Thomas. She felt her throat. She positioned her fingers. They dug into her neck. She grabbed her trachea and began to pull it out of her body. She gurgled as she crushed her windpipe. Blood began to dribble down her neck and chest and stain her trench coat. Her large hand slowly stopped futilely reaching for Thomas and encircled her other arm's wrist. She yanked and came up with a handful of her own gore.

Miranda watched the long-armed woman collapse to the ground. Despite the pain in her back and head, she forced herself up onto her hands and knees and surveyed the area. The man with the duffel bag had crawled many yards away. He had stopped moving. So, too, had Alex. He looked like he was asleep, sprawled out like a bum next to an apartment building. She saw his chest move up and down and was relieved. She looked up at Thomas who hadn't moved. He was staring into nothing, through where the long-armed woman's eyes had been before she had collapsed. Miranda looked down at the woman, a heap in a pool of blood. She heard a pathetic, last gurgle come from the woman's gaping neck hole "What did you do, Thomas?" It was not accusatory. It was not curious.

Thomas shivered. He felt like an overinflated balloon yearning for someone to pop him. He slowly looked down at the woman, now dead. He realized he hadn't been breathing for a while and sucked in the cool, dark air.

"What did you do?" Miranda repeated. She did not know why she said it; she didn't want to know the answer. But she could think of nothing else to say to him at the moment. Miranda sat back on her haunches. She wanted to get up, to give Thomas a hug, a reassurance. She wanted to be with him in his kitchen eating scrambled eggs and bacon, pretending not to see him steal glances at her. She wanted to be where they'd first met and he'd smiled down at her as she sat on the sidewalk, startled by his disappearing act. She wanted to take him anywhere besides here and now, where he stood looking down at the body of the first person he had ever killed.

He blinked a few times and stared down at the woman on the ground with unsure eyes. Then he nodded, as if he had agreed upon something. He looked over at Miranda. "I killed her," Thomas said, answering her question. For a brief moment, Miranda thought she saw a smile begin to spread across his face.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Third Time

Another darkened bedroom. Another syringe. Another dark figure lurking.

Dr. Taylor, or Dr. Kammerich depending on who was looking, took a step toward the bed. On it lay a sleeping figure. Dr. Taylor took another creeping step. It felt like there was something under his foot. He looked down, and in the darkness it looked like he was standing on a large glove. He looked up. Two startled eyes stared up at him from the bed. A foot hit him in the side of the head and he fell backwards. I can't even succeed at destroying my failures, the multi-named doctor thought as he scrambled to find his syringe in the dark.

There was the sound of someone fumbling against a wall a few feet from the bed and heavy breathing. A lamp flicked on in the corner of the room. The doctor saw the oversized hand at the lamp switch. He followed the skinny, five-foot-long arm back to its source, a startled looking woman, sitting up in her bed. "Dr. DePalma?" she said, recognizing the man crawling about on her floor.

With one quick, fluid movement, the doctor snatched up the syringe in front of him, stabbed it into the long-armed woman's leg, and slapped down the plunger with the other hand. The long-armed woman screamed from the brutal administration of drug. The neurotoxin, the doctor's own concoction, began to flow through her.

With her other leg, the long-armed woman kicked the doctor in the head again. The doctor caught himself on his way back to the floor and began to scramble toward the door. Still sitting on her bed, the long-armed woman reached for the doctor with her longer arm. He was just out of her reach. She tried to stand up, but howled from the pain in her leg. She ripped out the syringe and threw it at the figure dashing through her door. She began to feel woozy. She stood up to try to give the doctor chase.

Before she made it to the door, she had to stop. Her vision was blurring and her skin felt like it was aflame. She held her head in her large right hand and tried to steady her dizzy head. The only thing she could concentrate on was her rage.

The drug was supposed to have killed her within minutes, especially since the doctor had included even more poisons in this batch than he had with the batch that had failed to kill one of his earlier patients. But the doctor was a better Frankensteinian than a pharmacist, and had neglected to realize that some of the drugs counteracted one another, and, thus, the drug would not kill anything but the mice he had tested it on. In fact, the drug served only to dull the patients' senses and awareness and increase their energy and emotions. The recipient of the drug was nearly impervious to pain for hours, and for several hours more would be in a state of heightened anger and confusion.

The long-armed woman walked to her closet like she was drunk and pulled out a coat and a pair of shoes. She laboriously put them on over her pajamas. The entire time the only thought she had was of finding the doctor. Her intention was justified, perhaps, but her actions were irrational. I have to find him, she thought. I have to find him and kill him.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

He Says

The sun was rising over New City. At the cost of some bruised knuckles and zip-tie handcuffs, the three superhero's, Paladin, Fire Ant, and Confusio, had prevented a burglary, stopped two muggings, and helped an elderly blind man and his dog find their way back to their apartment. "An eventful night for our first outing as a trio," Alex said. The three ducked into Alex's SUV, parked downtown, several blocks from where they had spent most of the morning hours. Thomas reached up and began to pull off his green mask. Before he could get it over his eyes, Alex said, "Don't take your uniform off until we're back at headquarters."

Thomas turned to the backseat. He gave Miranda a confused look. She shrugged. Her mask was already off, and she was pulling the hair tie off her ponytail. Thomas turned back to Alex. "Headquarters? You mean, your penthouse?"

"Yes."

"But the windows are tinted; no one can see us in here."

"While we're still on duty, we need to be prepared at all times. So, we must remain in uniform."

Thomas looked back at Miranda. She smiled. Thomas smiled back and tattled on her, "Miranda took her mask off." Miranda stifled a giggle.

Alex did not loosen his hold on seriousness. He looked into his rear view mirror as he pulled up to a stoplight. "Fire Ant, keep your uniform on. And don't refer to each other by your given names while you're in uniform."

Thomas looked back at Miranda shaking her head and replacing her mask. Instead of poking through the hole in the back, her shoulder-length hair fell out from under the mask and made it look as if it she was sporting a superhero mullet. Thomas decided to press his luck with Alex. "That reminds me: What was wrong with 'Mind Bender?' 'Confusio' sounds stupid."

"We'll discuss this when we get back to headquarters."

"I'm hungry," Miranda said, preempting Thomas's retort.

Thomas thought for a few seconds then added, "Me, too. Hey, do you guys want to go to my place – after we get out of uniform, of course – and I'll cook everyone breakfast?"

Miranda was quick with an enthusiastic affirmation. There was a long pause before Alex answered with a polite "no thank you."


A moan of delight and something that resembled "this is delicious" fell out of Miranda's mouth, along with a few bits of scrambled eggs. Thomas looked over his shoulder at her while he was pouring a glass of orange juice. He watched the petite girl shovel eggs into her mouth for a few moments and almost spilled his orange juice onto the counter. He took a quick glance at her skinny legs under the table before turning back and capping the juice jug.

As he replaced the orange juice in the refrigerator, Thomas remember that he was still a bit irritated about the discussion he had had with Alex back at "headquarters." He sat down at his small kitchen table with Miranda and chewed on some bacon. "I know he wants us to use our code names or whatever so that people don't find out our real identities, but 'Confusio?' It sounds like a idiotic magician or something. I still don't know what was wrong with 'Mind Bender.'"

Miranda said, "It's not as bad as 'Fire Ant.'"

At least 'Fire Ant' makes sense. You can lift several times your own weight and you have a red costume."

"Maroon," she corrected him.

"Confusio doesn't mean anything. What, do I confuse people into submission?"

"Well ... yeah, kind of. That last guy we got looked pretty confused. What did you make him think was in his hand?"

"A turd." Miranda laughed at him. "What? It was the first thing I thought of. It worked didn't it?" They both munched on bacon for a bit. "'Paladin.' What does that even mean?"

"Alex says it's a knight that does heroic deeds."

"Sure, he gives himself a cool name. What's with Alex, anyway? I mean, he doesn't really have any superpowers. So, why's he want to be a superhero?"

"Alex says that powers don't have to come from within your body. He says his powers are his influence and his money." Thomas sighed and conceded that this made sense. "And plus, he says that he got shot and died." Thomas raised his eyebrow. "It was a while before I started working with him. During one of his first nights out, he took off his uniform and body armor to take a rest. Then some guy came out of nowhere and shot him. He didn't really die, I don't think. I think it's, like, a metaphor. Before he was shot he was Alex Sander who dressed up as a superhero at night, and after he was shot he became Paladin who dressed up as a millionaire during the day."

"So, what really happened?" Thomas asked."

"He says that he swears that he could feel the bullets hitting him and falling down. But then a minute later, he felt better, like nothing had happened, like he hadn't been shot. He says he felt changed. He says that he could feel things, that he could sense powers of good and evil moving throughout the city. Then he got up, much to the surprise of the guy who shot him, kicked the gun out of his hand, and stopped his first crime," Miranda shrugged. "He's been doing it ever since. He says that his power is his ability to sense the forces of good and evil."

Thomas wondered out loud, "Did he have any bullet holes?"

"He never says anything about that."

Monday, March 05, 2007

Make Lemonade

It had been three days since Brandon had punched a hole through the convenience store clerk's head when Brandon found himself perched atop a crying hobo, hissing blood into the destitute man's face. The poor man was pinned to the ground, a node of bone from Brandon's shin poking into the soft skin between the collar bone and the shoulder. The crying man shook his head, yelping in pain. Blood dripped from Brandon's face, spattering the dirty hobo's face and the grey cement with color. Several of the prostrate man's friends, homeless all, stood by some distance away looking on. "See. He wasn't dead," one of them said. He turned to the others, "I told him that the Devil was just sleeping." And so Brandon was introduced to Jesse, Buckman, Mr. Tim, and Fool as the Devil.

Brandon, angry, annoyed, and in constant pain, hated just about everything that had happened to him in the past few months, but for a moment a sparkle of optimism twinkled in his blood-encrusted eyes. Brandon got off the homeless man and let him crawl back to the comfort of his companions. After an short standoff between the bums and the blood-dripping oddity that had invaded their overpass, the self-proclaimed spokesman of the group, Jesse, stepped forward and asked with a giggle, "You are the Devil, aincha?"

When life gives you lemons... Brandon thought. "Yes. I am Satan!" he bellowed. "And I've come for you, for all of you!"

"What do you want?" Jesse asked a little frightened.

"I want you to do what I say," Brandon commanded. "Or else. Or else I'll rape your souls!" he added for good measure. The one he had earlier pinned to the ground nodded his head as if he knew first hand just how painful a soul raping could be. The others seem a bit unconvinced. "I'll pull your hearts out, pound them up your asses with my netherworldly cock, then shoot my lava cum onto the backs of your heads until it melts away your skulls, so I can eat your brains like pudding." This statement convinced the others; the consensus seemed to be that Brandon was, indeed, the Dark Prince.

At first, the group of bums cringed in Brandon's presence, addressed him as "Prince Satan" or "Your Majesty," and never met his gaze. They feared him and obeyed his every order, lest their bodies and souls be sodomized. But after a week of only having to supply the Devil with stolen pain-killers, begged-for junk food, and an endless stream of Cokes, the bums quickly started to fear him less, and simply accepted him as their leader. They began to view Brandon less as the Great Tormentor and more as a mentor. Buckman, the resident philosopher, especially grew fond of Brandon, sitting before him, asking him questions about death and the underworld.

However, Fool, and sometimes "Damn Fool," as he was so called by Jesse and Buckman, would never venture much closer than a yard to Brandon. Jesse would later explain to Brandon that Fool hadn't wanted to hurt him that day they first met. "He thought you was dead, o' course,," Jessie said and laughed inappropriately long, then continued, "and just wanted at whatever you mighta had that was useful."

"I didn't wanna – I didn't wanna – I didn't wanna – I didn't wanna – I just – I just –I just wanted to – I just wanted your boots," Fool clarified.

Mr. Tim didn't talk much and kept mostly to himself. His face drooped with Mongoloidism, and his tongue often seemed too big for his mouth. He obeyed Brandon dutifully, like the rest of the group, but never really showed much interest in the blood-soaked man. Fool picked on him every once in a while, but the other two watched out for Mr. Tim like he was their little brother.

"So, what's Heaven like?" Buckman asked Brandon one day while watching his master carefully open up his wrist with a razor that Jesse had just procured for him. Sitting on a milk crate that the group had offered him as a gift, the Devil looked up briefly at three bums sitting on the ground before him, and Mr. Tim occupying himself with something on the ground several feet behind them. He mumbled that there was no such place as Heaven. "Then, where do good people go when they die?"

"They go to Hell, just like everybody else," Brandon idly replied.

"So what's the point of doing good things?"

"Exactly," Brandon said. A spurt of blood jumped out of his arm into a sticky pitcher sitting next to Brandon's makeshift throne. Once it was full, he would have Fool dump it somewhere far away, so the stray dogs wouldn't come sniffing around again.

"Exactly," Jesse repeated and cackled. "Get it?"

Brandon didn't believe that Jesse did get it. "God wants you to do things for Him. He wants you to pray to Him. He wants you to praise Him. He wants you to worship Him. He wants you to do good deeds in His name. It's all for His benefit. What's in it for you?"

This question stumped Jesse. Buckman thought for a minute then asked, "So why does everyone say that you're the evil one if God's so selfish?"

"God made up good and evil so he could control people." Brandon, as always, was enjoying his pseudo-philosophical musings. His audience of half-crazy, uneducated homeless men admired his apparently thought-provoking words, no matter how much sense or logic they lacked. "He tricks people into doing good – the things he wants you to do – by fearing evil – the things you want to do."

Buckman thought he would correct the Devil. "You mean the things you want us to do."

"No, the things that you want to do, but God doesn't, those are evil. It's true, I want you to do things that I want you to do from time to time. But I also want you to do whatever you want to do – good, evil, or whatever."

Mr. Tim, who had apparently been simultaneously been pulling weeds from the cracks in the concrete at the periphery of the underpass and listening to Brandon, turned to the group and grunted. Brandon looked over to him, surprised that he was paying attention. Seeking a bit of vengeance for all the times that Fool had pushed him around and mocked him, Mr. Tim said, "I want to hit Fool. In the head."

"Go ahead," said Brandon. "I want you to do what you want." Fool turned around just in time to see Mr. Tim's hand hurtling toward his face. The awkwardly swung fist struck Fool in the ear. He squealed and curled up into a ball. Mr. Tim giggled and backed away to the edge of the underpass, completely satisfied.

"I want to hit Fool, too," Jesse announced. Without waiting the Devil's permission, he swung at the back of the curled-up figure next to him on the ground, then laughed with glee. Buckman, too, without warning, struck the little man.

Fool finally scuttled a few feet away, just out of the others' reach. He looked up the Devil with fear and pleading in his eyes. "Hey. I don't – I don't – I don't have to – Don't no one hit me – I don't have to take this!"

"You're right. You don't." Brandon looked into all of their faces, then down at his arm, still dribbling blood into the pitcher. When life gives you lemons... Brandon thought. "None of us do."

Friday, March 02, 2007

Slacker

Thursday came and went and I didn't even realize that I forgot to write a new addition to Superhero. As punishment for me being a slacker, I'll write three parts for you next week! Stay tuned.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Mistake

She had been stunned, at first, to see him standing there, uninvited, in her bedroom. She saw a glint of metal in his hand. Grabbing him by the wrist, she flung him across the room. Then she had recognized him: Dr. Kammerich.

Cowering against a wall, he told his former patient that he hadn't meant to hurt her, that he only came to see her. A syringe eight feet away said otherwise. She wanted to hurt him then, but something inside her, something that reminded her of Alex, kept her from lashing out.

He explained that he'd been checking up on her periodically throughout the years. He'd seen her secretly get well, and had even followed her to New City. "Why?" she asked. After years of simultaneously wanting and not wanting to confront the man who had molested her, the man who had taken her innocence, and yell at him, beat him, the only thing she could think to ask him was "why." Not "Why did you prey on a young girl's desire to feel less like a disfigured child and more like a beautiful woman?" She had wanted to be touched and adored, like most young people, so she had welcomed his advances, or tolerated them, at least. But she never felt adored. She felt used and confused. And even after years of sorting and resorting her thoughts and emotions on this subject, she could only think to ask him, "why?"

"Because I regret what I did to you the most." That apology, if one could call it that, sounded odd to Miranda. What else was there to regret? she thought. And who else? The doctor saw that the young woman was not satisfied with his answer. He explained, "I have 'enhanced' several people over the years, and, although you didn't turn out as poorly as some of the others, I saw you struggle to keep your changes a secret from everyone. Though you seem to have come out of your shell here in New City." He seemed to have more pride in his achievement than regret for his mistake.

"Wait, you mean the mistake you regret was ... curing me?" Miranda crossed her arms self-conciously.

The doctor realized his blunder immediately. "You have to understand, that wasn't you, really. I was in adoration of what I was going to accomplish with you, what you would become," he said, not knowing if the words were true or not. "It could have been anyone," he almost added, but thankfully censored himself.

Miranda had been waiting most of a decade to hear an apology or at least an explanation. That's it? she thought. Her rage bubbled inside her like lava. She wanted to spew epithets and curses at him and rain blows down on him. But again, something held her back, some fragile chain with links ready to snap barely restrained her. So, her anger came shooting out of her eyes and her mouth. She screamed, roared really, tiny fists clenched, thin neck straining. She took a step toward the man leaning up against the wall.

That's all it took to send him tripping over himself to get to the nearest door. By the time she had taken another step, he was plunging out of her bedroom door. After several more steps, she heard him paw at the door to her apartment frantically, open it, then scamper down the hallway. She slammed the door after him, then stomped back to her bedroom. She picked up the plastic syringe and crushed it. A clear, odorless liquid dripped down her hand.


The water poured over her shoulders, turning her pale skin red. Steam swirled about her small frame. Miranda covered her face with her hands and sank to the floor of the shower. Hot tears meandered through her fingers, mixing with the scalding water dripping down her face. Sobs wracked her body like convulsions, and she opened her mouth to let them out.

She was angry. Angry for not hurting someone who had injured her. Angry for wanting revenge. Angry for thinking she had to hide her wellness and angry for knowing she had to hide her strength. Angry for being so strong and yet so powerless. Angry at him for touching her. Angry at herself for having let him. Angry for wanting to be touched and held again, and to have it not remind her of being a frightened little girl.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Open Source Applications for Windows

I recently stumbled upon a list of open source Windows applications. Open source software is good because it allows for many software developers (from programming hobbyists to application development companies) to contribute to and enhance a program. The opposite, closed source software, is software whose developer does not allow others to contribute to the application. Then end result of closed source software development is that, though the applications may be guaranteed to run or the developer might offer to give you technical support (Microsoft produces closed source software and "guarantees" that its programs will run and offers "technical support" when they don't, and we all see how well that works out.), the applications may end up not having as many features or work as cleanly as its open source counterpart.

I try to use open source software whenever I can because they are often free and, frankly, they seem to run better than many Microsoft and friends' software.

I personally use and recommend:

  • Mozilla Firefox - web browser - Once you try tabbed browsing and don't have to open up a million Internet Explorer windows, and download a bunch of neat little add-ons and themes, you'll never got back.
  • Mozilla Thunderbird - email and feed reader - I can pull email from my many web mail accounts and aggregate my feeds, all to one place.
  • OpenOffice - office suite - I have used OpenOffice since my Junior year of college so I didn't have to buy Word, Excel, PowerPoint, etc. It can do anything MS Office Suite can do (including save to all the MS document formats) and it is much more customizable.
  • VLC - video player - I've only used VLC for about a month now because I hate RealPlayer and Windows Media Player is a memory hog. My only complaint is that VLC seems to have some problems with DVD menues.
  • BitTorrent - torrent downloader - It downloads torrents. There's not much else to say.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Political Christianity

I recently read two interesting articles (America's Most Persecuted Minority by Murray N. Rothbard and The Rise of Christian Fascism and Its Threat to American Democracy by Chris Hedges) that were about completely different subjects, but both led me to the same conclusion: political Christians -- the Christian Right, the moral majority, or whatever you want to call them -- are (and have been) ruining our country.

I'm all for people being allowed to believe what they want to believe. I'm even okay with people telling other people what they should believe -- do what you've got to do, just don't be a dick about it. But once you make a law forcing people to believe like you do, you've gone to far.

I don't have a problem with people smoking dope or tripping acid. I don't have a problem with anyone having access to birth control methods. I don't have a problem with people under the age of twenty-one drinking alcohol. I know you and your god have a problem with it, but what's that got to do with me?

I'm sorry your crazy voodoo god said that you're not allowed to have fun, but don't spoil shit for the rest of us. My God said that I can do pretty much whatever I want as long as I do it responsibly and "do unto others as I would do unto myself."

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Superdate

This test is bogus. Every time I filled it out, no matter what my answers were, I got Psylocke.

Psylocke is pretty enough, I guess, but she's got three things against her: She's, like, a thousand feet tall; she's a limey Brit; and she's got purple hair.

I'd rather have gotten Shadowcat (preferably when she's over 18) or Batgirl (the Barbara Gordon version), though each of their mentors (Wolverine and Batman, respectively) would probably beat me up for messing with their little girls.

Actually, I think the Invisible Woman would be perfect for me. She's a short, skinny girl who is fiercely loyal. Though she is blond and doesn't seem to have much of a sense of humor, she is girl after my own heart, avoiding conflict by turning invisible and putting up impenetrable force fields to avoid intimacy.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Pansy Monsters and Misogyny

The Descent was, as far as horror flicks go, a disappointing movie. There was a good deal of tension-building, the gore and creepy factors were high, and jumps and quick scares abound, but are not so abundant as to make them cheap. But, despite the good cinematography, the characters, human an non, are less than appealing.

The monsters are ineffectual, confusing, and a bit pathetic. By the end of the movie I almost feel sorry for them as they are, throughout the last half of the movie, being decimated by a only handful of cave-diving bimbos. The ratio of monsters to humans killed is two to one, a veritable slaughter. Usually, it’s scarier if the monsters are hard to kill and strike fear into their victims, except for zombies, who are scary for their mindlessness, painlessness, and sheer numbers.

The monsters are supposed to be post-humans who have lost their eyesight in an adaptation to or as a result of living in dark caves. It is assumed the monsters “see” with sound, with some sort of sonar. Yet they are unable detect nearby prey, even when on top of it. I am able to suspend disbelief that these creatures are adapted from humans; have foregone sight despite hunting on the surface instead of the barren, lifeless cave in which they live; grown pale, slimy, and translucent skin instead of developing a fur to protect them from the cold air in their Appalachian mountain cave; and inexplicably and constantly drool an off-white mucus. I am not able to suspend disbelief that these creatures could not discern the presence or source of a light, even with only vestigial eyes; or that they cannot tell the difference, using sonar, between a cave wall and a human being, no matter how still the human stood; or that, for a creature that hunts, navigates, and relies exclusively on sound, they could not hear or feel the stifled breathing or even the heartbeat of a human that they were literally standing on. These creatures deserved to die, not because they attacked a group of human (who invaded their territory and were a viable food source), but because they were so ill-suited for living. How they had survived long enough to evolve into their current form is baffling. Perhaps the factors of inbreeding within a small population combined with no major predators in the cave explain how this evolutionary anomaly continued to survive.

The Descent also suffers from the misogyny of its writer-director, Neil Marshall (or perhaps it was this viewer’s own gender bias reflecting back at him). Unfortunately, a movie with an all-female cast written by a man is suspect and up for gender scrutiny. And this movie is ripe for the picking.

It is a goldmine of gynocentric metaphors and imagery. The setting for most of the movie, a cave, is a dark and wet womb. This connection is made nearly explicit in the last minutes of the movie when the main heroine of the movie emerges head-first out of a small cave entrance, covered over by underbrush, and wails in relief like a newborn. However, it is curious that this cave is penetrated by women, and that in the cave, instead of a beautiful germ of life, is a deformed, male abomination. In male-like fashion, these female spelunkers claim the cave as their own and delve deeper into the cold dark.

This machismo, though, comes off as less than genuine, a layer of make-up on females clowning a male. But the joke is not on the gender being mocked; it seems to fall on the clowns themselves. Seconds after entering the cave, a swarm of bats encircle one of the heroines. She screams hysterically and incessantly until she is comforted by one of her companions.

An ugly female cattiness hides just underneath the thin veneer of masculinity. As the crisis of being stuck in a cave mounts, the group is in dire need of cohesive control. Despite most females’ knack for very democratic cooperative group control, this bevy falls into chaos quickly, with members of the group making decisions or discovering information without informing the rest, running off, getting hurt, and going into hysterics. The female group dynamic breaks down quickly and inexplicably. So, Juno, the self-proclaimed leader of the group (and biggest culprit of aping manfulness – though I do give her much credit for her monster-ass-kickery), sets up a masculine power hierarchy, but this, too, fails to unify the group.

The most telling scene of discord is the group’s first close encounter with the monsters. Instead of huddling together, the group splits up, running screaming into any dark recess, like cockroaches when the kitchen light is turned on. They abandon one of the group who is injured and can barely move, and watch as she is attacked and dragged off by one of the creatures. This is not to say that any other group, despite the genders of its members, wouldn’t do the same in a frightening crisis. But the actions of this all-female group are starkly contrasted by the immediately following actions of the most “manly” of the group, Juno. While the rest of the group is emitting high-pitched squeals and running for cover, only she goes after her injured friend. She plays tug-of-war with a monster over the dying body of her companion, and then injures that creature and kills another. Juno turns out to be proactive, courageous, and effective, while the other women are selfish and ineffectual (pronounced “pansy”). For this reason, I chose to identify Juno as the hero; Sarah, the protagonist of the movie, had run off into the cave alone, screaming. But Juno is not the hero. She is made out to be the villain, as the audience later finds out. A character with positive masculine traits is vilified, but a character with negative feminine traits is made a hero.

When first attacked by the monsters, Juno kills one of the creatures and, in the heat of battle, accidentally and mortally wounds one of her companions. The woman crumples to the ground, grabs a charm hanging around Juno’s neck, and dies (or so the audience and Juno believes) in a pool of blood from a gaping wound in her neck. The woman is later found to be alive by Sarah. And instead of these two friends saying some heartfelt goodbye to each other, the expiring woman, wracked with pain and chocking on her own blood, is dying (literally) to tell Sarah the latest bit of gossip: that it wasn’t the monsters that killed her, but Juno. To prove it, she gives her the charm she ripped from Juno’s neck. The dying woman tells Sarah that Juno attacked her and left her to die, forgetting to mention that she snuck up on Juno immediately after Juno killed a monster, and in the darkness of the cave Juno probably mistook her for another attacker. (And if she had acted as dead as she did after she fell to the ground, I would have left her, too, if I were Juno and there were monsters lurking nearby.)

Juno meets up with the two other remaining companions besides Sarah. Juno suggests they look for Sarah; the other two refuse. Again, bravery is vilified and the women are made to look cowering and self-serving. So, the reunited group fights their way through the cave. Meanwhile, Sarah fights and kills the only child and mother monster we see in the movie. She subsequently falls into a puddle of tar or perhaps menstrual blood and emerges, slow-motion Rambo-style, a wild-eyed badass.

Juno’s group is killed off except for herself before she meets back up with Sarah. Sarah questions Juno about the others, and Juno indicates that they are dead. Then Sarah asks specifically asks about the woman Juno accidentally maimed. Juno admits that she saw her die, but glosses over the part where she plunged a pick through her neck. (Who would mention something like that, especially when monsters are hot on your trail in the middle of a dark and creepy cave?) Sarah construes this to be an admission of guilt on the part of Juno.

Juno and Sarah advance to an exit, fighting a large group of monsters, and surprisingly easily trounce them. After the immediate enemies are vanquished, with more on the way, Sarah shows Juno the charm the woman she killed snatched from her accidental killer. Then, without asking Juno to explain herself in the supposed murder of their friend, Sarah stabs Juno in the leg and abandons her, leaving her to fight an oncoming rush of monsters alone with a bum leg.

Thus the character with (what I perceive to be masculine, probably because of my gender) positive traits – loyalty, bravery, reason – is killed off by the “hero” that trusts gossip over logic and almost literally stabs her friend in the back out of cattiness. If I was a woman, I would be offended.

If in The Descent, the women had acted more like the monsters – sticking together, defending their own, fighting with each other and not against each other – and the monsters had acted more like the women – bloodthirsty killing machines with no remorse, pity, or anything resembling reason or logic – I would probably have enjoyed the movie.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Beginner's Luck

"Human civilization strives for balance," Alex said. "Much like in nature, where an ecosystem can support only so many birds or so many insects or so many trees, a city can support only so much good and so much evil. But there is always a balance between the two. There are fluctuations one way, then the other, but there is always a gravitation toward neutral, exactly between good and evil. If there is a great amount of evil, it will eventually be nullified and replaced by a great amount of good."

"Well," Thomas spoke up, "how do you know who's good and who's evil?"

Illustration courtesy of Luciano.

Alex looked over his shoulder. He expected Thomas to be much closer than he was. Thomas stood behind him, trying to scratch his arm through his green suit a safe distance from the edge of the building. Alex stood on the at the corner of the rooftop, looking three stories down at the street below. His arms were folded. His cape flapped slightly in the breeze.

"It's not about who is good or evil. It's about how much power is devoted to each. One really evil person could offset ten mildly good people."

Sounds like a bunch of new-age hippie crap to me, thought Thomas. Alex looked back over his shoulder again and saw Thomas swaying and biting his lip. He invited Thomas to stand on the edge with him. "No thanks. Scared of heights."

Something caught Alex's attention, something unseen or unheard by Thomas. Alex sprinted across the rooftop signaling for Thomas to follow. They hopped onto an adjacent rooftop. Alex ran to a skylight with several panes missing. He crouched down and peered into the building. Thomas stayed several feet back and whispered, "What is it?" There was a faint glow coming from inside the building, but from where Thomas stood, it looked empty.

"Five men -- one's tied up. Three guns -- maybe four. One club." Thomas inched closer and tried to get a glimpse. Alex said, "I'll throw in a couple flash-bangs to distract them. We'll jump down. I'll disarm the two hanging back. Can you disarm the other two and hold them off long enough for me to help you?"

Thomas was frightened at the prospect of attacking men with guns outnumbered and unarmed. He immediately regretting signing on to be a superhero. "What ... What?" he said nervously.

Alex yanked him down to look in the window. Below them were five men. One was tied up in a chair. Blood ran down one side of his head. One had a baseball bat in one hand and the tied up man's hair in the other. He looked angry. A third man waved a gun through the air casually as he smugly explained something to the tied up man, something about "drop-off" and "cops" and "money." Two other man stood behind the smug man. They stood back, guns in hand, looking stern and just a little bit bored.

"Can you take care of those two for a minute or two?" Alex asked, pointing to the smug man and the angry man.

"Yeah, I think so."

While Thomas developed a plan of action, Alex pulled some things out of his belt and tossed them into the room below through one of the missing window panes. "Here we go," he said.

Thomas did not realize that the action was coming so soon. He had thought there would be time to think, a little verbal run-through, or at least a countdown. But Alex had already begun. As the flash-bangs exploded, Alex stood up and jumped through the sky light. Thomas hesitated.

The explosions went off and all the men (except the one tied up) spun around wide-eyed and pointed their weapons at random places in the empty room. Alex landed on one of his targets, knocking him down. The other spun around to meet him, but was greeted by the heal of a boot in his temple. He'd wake up later in a squad car. Alex's original target quickly recovered and the two began to grapple.

The smug man turned to see a caped man wrestling his cousin Eddie to the ground. He pointed his gun at the two, but refrained from shooting. His expletive-lace demands for the caped man to cease or risk being shot went unheeded. Then there was a distraction behind him.

The smug man swung back around and saw his comrade, the angry man with the baseball bat, also on the ground wrestling. With himself. The angry men, both copies, grunted and punched each other. The smug man had no idea what was going on.

One of the angry men finally pinned the other, only to feel the barrel of a gun pressed against the back of his head. He looked up cautiously and was surprised to see the smug man, his "business partner," behind the gun. "All right. Both of you stand up."

"What are you doing? I got him right here!" said the angry man.

"How do I know that it's really you?"

"Who the fuck else would it be?" the topmost angry man said.

"Shoot him already!" urged the bottommost angry man.

"Just stand up, both of you!" shouted the smug man. They disentangled themselves and stood up. "OK. Which one of you is the real Mickey?"

The two looked at each other in disbelief. "He is," they said in unison, pointing to the other.

"Eh, fuck this!" The smug man pulled the trigger twice, shooting both angry men in the stomach. They both collapsed to the ground.

Alex finished applying an effective sleeper hold on his opponent and looked up just in time to see the smug man fire two shots, one at his friend and one at the wall. Just then, Thomas burst through the sky light and landed squarely on the smug man's head. The smug man crumpled to the ground unconscious, and Thomas rolled away and lay sprawled on the ground. Alex stood up. He was panting a bit, but adrenaline was keeping him from feeling the already forming bruise on his jaw and the slight black eye. He sprinted over to the newly fallen enemy and kicked the gun away from his hand. Then he turned his attention to Thomas. "I don't know what you did, but I'm impressed."

The young man was still prostrate on the floor. He moaned slightly. "I think I twisted my ankle," he complained.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

English Spelling Reform

I recently read an article from Interesting Thing of the Day entitled English Spelling Reform: The difficult path to simpler spelling. I agree with all of the reasons fro a spelling reform, and think all the reasons against are fairly lame. Any dissenting opinions?

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Peace Out

Brandon was floating in a sea of blood, literally. He swam desparately, looking for a life raft or a shoreline. But wave after wave of frothy blood crashed down over him. His vision was blurred and he sputtered for breath. Brandon knew he would drown.

A fin appeared in the distance, then disappeared as Brandon slid into a trough. It reappeared again when he reached the next crest. It was pointed directly at him.

A shark, and from the looks of it a big one, sped towards him. There was nothing Brandon could do. When it was only a yard off, there was a great splash as it launched itself like a dolphin out of the churning bloody sea. Based on its trajectory, it would land directly on Brandon.

The movement of the world suddenly slowed. The waves moved like syrup, and gravity only pulled downward half as fast as normal. Brandon looked around in confusion, then back up, expecting to see a mouth with several rows of teeth bearing down on him. Instead, he saw a disembodied face. It was the face of the convenience store clerk.

The clerk had a hole in his face where an eye should be, and through it Brandon saw the clouds passing overhead. The face began to laugh evilly, ridiculously so. Like a mad scientist or 007 villain, the clerk cackled. Brandon was not so much frightened as annoyed. He wished the clerk would stop.

The idiotic laughter continued. Brandon floated in a blood ocean wishing he could stab the clerk again, in a throat that wasn't visible, in hopes of shutting him up. But as he watched he noticed the face slowly change. The laughter changed, too, as it went on.

Brandon realized that the face now belonged to Dr. Tyler, and the laughter was a phone ringing.

The answering machine beeped as Brandon groggily opened his eyes heavy with sleep. He wiped crusty dried blood out of the corners as he woke up. He looked around the bathroom, and then down at the bath tub he was lounging in. A red ring circled the drain.

The answering machine beeped again. "Yo dude! Pick up the goddamn phone!" the voice of Tom, somewhat distorted, shouted from the machine in the other room. There was a pause. "So, uh, Brandon? I was reading the paper just now and I read an article about how some guy with spikes all over his body murdered a gas station clerk last night. And I got to thinking, that can't be the guy that I know who has spikes all over his body. Can it?" Brandon picked at a long scab over a self-inflicted gash on his inner thigh until it began to ooze blood. He leaned back and stretched out in the basin. Tom's voice continued, "That can't be the guy with spikes that I know that showed up at my apartment last night when I wasn't there, stole my clothes, then scared the piss out of me when I saw him standing in my living room at two in the morning looking like Satan himself shat him out. That can't be the guy that bummed money off of me to go get some snacks, and then came back thirty minutes later acting normal - well, as normal as a guy with spikes all over his body could possibly be.

"No, it couldn't be the same guy, could it? No, I think that guy would have mentioned to me that he fucking killed someone while he was at the goddamn Seven-Eleven! What. The. Fuck."

"So," Tom's voice went on, "if you like happen to run into that guy, the other guy with spikes all over his body, will you tell him to get the fuck out of my house? Seriously, dude. You're my friend and all, but if you're not out of my house by the time I get off work, I'm gonna call the cops. Sorry, dude, that's just the way it is." There was a short, uncomfortable pause. "Peace out." Brandon heard the receiver rustle into the cradle on the other end of the line. The answering machine beeped again. Brandon stirred and began to get up from his bathtub bed.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Serial Fiction Blog List

My brother (Pancake Wrangler), my friend (Luciano), and I have all been writing serialized pieces of fiction, using blogs as our medium. It seems blogs were made for this. The author writes a bit of a story. The readers read the bit of the story and have the opportunity to respond, via commenting, to every portion of that entire story. The author gets validation. The readers get to partake in the creative process. Every one wins!

You'd think that there'd be tons of serialized fiction blogs out there, right? But after several searches, I haven't found much. What most searches for "fiction blogs" reveal are blogs written by fictional people. They are fictional online diaries. This is an interesting genre, I'm sure, but I can barely stand most blogs I come across written by real people. Why would I want to read a blog by a fake real person? Like "reality TV," fiction posing as reality fails to entice me; actually, it annoys me. I should care about something just because it purports itself to be true? Quit a-million-little-pieces-ing fiction and write something that will intrigue the reader without tricking them. (And, yes, I just verbed a book title.)

So, I said all that to say this: I am compiling a serial fiction blog list. It will contain links to blogs solely devoted to one or several works of fiction, broken up into sections that are or have been updated periodically, or links to a table of contents of such a work of fiction contained within a blog not singly devoted to serial fiction.

Divine Intermission
Luciano
Five Chapters
various authors
Healing Knowledge
df
Mortal Ghost
L. Lee Lowe
Superhero
Mr. McBastard
The Unbinding
Walter Kirn
untitled
Pancake Wrangler
Zen of Evil
Christopher Michael Nelson
Zen of Evil: Progeny
Christopher Michael Nelson

If you or anyone you know has a blog that fits the guidelines above, email me or leave a comment, and I'll add it to the list.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Blogger beta Miracle

The Blogger gods have heard my prayer and have smiled upon me. After posting last night, I tried to switch over to the new Blogger yet again, and it worked! Thank you, Blogger.

Expect some changes in the near future. I plan on making or finding a new template.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Uniform

"Thanks for coming in this morning, Thomas," said Alex, showing the young man to a seat. "I know you're probably really busy with your building and all."

"It should hold together for one day without me," Thomas said.

"Listen, I've been helping out Miranda with her, you know, finances. With classes and papers, and then moonlighting as a superhero, she doesn't have a lot of time for a job. So I've been giving her a salary." Alex offered, "I could do the same for you."

"Thanks, but I don't think I'll quit my day job just yet," Thomas said uncomfortably. His eyes wandered around the room, an immaculate and ostentatiously furnished study, complete with shelves lined with old-looking books and pretentious trinkets. It even had a large globe that opened to reveal a mini bar. To Alex his study, as with most of his apartment (this one, at least), was just another lavishly fake room in his penthouse that he only used when entertaining guests and impressing shareholders.

"I understand," said Alex, not really understanding at all. "Hey, I want to show you something!" Alex pulled something out from behind a column near the edge of the room. He held it up, grinning with pride. It was a lumpy jumpsuit, teal and dark green. "I had to guess at your size. Try it on."

"Right here?"

"Sure. It's just me." Thomas began to disrobe feeling a little self-conscious. As he stripped, Alex pointed out the features of the superhero's new clothes. "It has a removable (though I wouldn't recommend it) flak armor torso lining and groin guard. You can take a bullet to the crotch and not feel so much as a breeze," Alex was immensely excited. "It also has polysteel gauntlet and shin guards, titanium mesh joint pads, and leather boots and gloves. The whole thing is temperature regulated; there's a small panel with the temp controls on the left forearm, and the battery pack is in the vest between the shoulder blades." Thomas found the whole get-up to fit quite snugly, the armor and padding filling out what would otherwise be a baggy onesie. Alex was smiling like an excited child on his birthday. He handed to more items to Thomas, "Here are the mask and cape."

Not very enthusiastic about the whole costume, Thomas said, "I'll take the mask, but would you be offended if I didn't wear the cape?"

Alex was offended, tried not to look it, and failed. "Well, Miranda and I wear capes, but I guess you don't have to."

"I just don't think I'm a cape kind of guy." Thomas slipped the mask on and lined up the eye holes. "How do I look?" he asked. Because I feel like an idiot, he thought.

"Like a terror to criminals," Alex replied. Thomas pretended to believe him.

"The last part of the uniform, and maybe the most important, is your name. Have you thought of any names for yourself?" Thomas was a bit confused. He asked what the matter was with his given name. "'Thomas' is alright for the guy that maintains an apartment building. But once you put on that suit, you become someone else. Superheros don't have alter egos just to protect their identity or to fit in with the other superheros. They do it to separate themselves from their everyday selves."

Thomas looked confused. "Thomas may be a shy, witty young man who's handy at fixing things, but once he steps into this uniform, he becomes a crime-fighter with impressive psycho-suggestive powers. He can't let all those foibles and quirks of a mere mortal get in the way. He is a superhero.

Clark Kent was an awkward, bumbling news reporter. But Superman was a confident and powerful monolith of justice." Alex let Thomas absorb what he'd said. But Thomas still looked unsure. "Do you get what I'm saying?"

Thomas stared at Alex blankly. "Uh," he sighed, "how about, uh, Mind Bender?"

Alex thought for a moment. "It's a start," he said with reserve.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Blogger beta

Is anyone else having problems changing over to the New Blogger? I was a little hesitant to switch over to the New Blogger beta, but I eventually became curious enough to check it out. But when I tried to switch my account over, it gave me an error. I thought it was just because they hadn't worked out the kinks, yet.

Then a week or so later, the New Blogger came out of beta. So, I tried again to switch. But it wouldn't let me. I got another error, a different one this time, stating that I had already tried to switch and failed. I know it failed in the past, Blogger, that's why I'm trying to switch again!

So, every week for the past month I've been trying to switch to the New Blogger, and every time I've been denied. I've even written an email asking them what I did or am doing wrong, but I haven't gotten a response.

I really like you, Blogger. And I've stuck by you when people said Wordpress this and Typepad that. So why d'you gotta dis me like this, Blogger? Why?

Thursday, January 25, 2007

FeedBurner

I just signed up with FeedBurner to handle my site feeds. It seems to be cool; it has tons of options for customizing your feed and some pretty neat tracking features. So, if you subscribe to my old Atom feed, do me a favor and switch over to using my FeedBurner feed. Thanks!

New City Devil

An all-night convenience store clerk was killed last night during an argument with a customer. The incident occurred at the Quick Stop on 63rd at around 2:30AM this morning. Two local teens witnessed the confrontation in the store, and fled when they saw the as-yet-unknown customer stab the clerk in the head. Both teens, who wish to remain anonymous, described the suspect as odd-looking, with spikes coming out of his clothing and blood on his face.

At first I thought he was just some weird guy in a costume," one witness said. "He had spikes ripping through his shirt, in his pants, coming out from under his hat. And he had blood running down his face. I thought, that couldn't be real, you know?"

The two young men saw the clerk confront the man about eating a candy bar before purchasing it. The clerk became upset and shoved the customer. The customer then struck the clerk in the head with one of his spikes, stabbing him through the eye. When asked about the spikes, one witness replied, "They looked like big horns, like horns coming out all over his body. I don't know if it was a costume or what, but they looked real."

"He was all red. And he had a really weird look on his face. Then he looked over at us, and he looked [expletive] mad as hell," the other witness said. "He looked like the Devil or something."

The two witness fled the scene, shortly followed by the suspect. The two teens called the police and ambulance from a cell phone. When the police arrived, they found the clerk on the ground in a pool of blood. Paramedics pronounced him dead on arrival.

Unfortunately there were no video tapes recording the convenience store's security cameras. Police advise the public to be aware of an approximately six-foot-tall Caucasian male wearing dark clothing. He may be bleeding from the head, and he may or may not have actual horn-like protrusions on his appendages and head.

Alex tossed the New City Herald onto his desk. His brow furled. I think this is it, what I felt last night. He stood up and turned to look out the window of his office. Something is coming. Or is already here. "What is it?" he asked the miniature cars and tiny people scampering around the street, fifteen floors below.

Miranda finding another one of us, finding Thomas, can't have been a coincidence. Something drew her to him. And drew him to us. It's as if we were being gathered all in one place. But for what? That much good in one place means that ... something's out of balance.

Alex left the window and picked up the newspaper again. He read the young men's description of the killer. A devil in New City, he thought, I hope we're ready for this.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Google Desktop Search

google desktop

I love Google Desktop Search, especially the Quick Search Box feature. I've had it on my PC for quite some time now, but I haven't utilized it much until recently. I highly recommend it to everyone.

I never go digging through my elaborately designed maze of directories anymore. I just tap Ctrl twice, QSB pops up, I type the name of the file I'm looking for (or something remotely similar), and it pops up with likely matches. It has dynamically updated search results, meaning that for every letter you type or erase in the search box, it alters the search results -- like the iTunes search function.

The only gripe I have, and it's a small one, is that you can't choose which type of file you're looking for. I would suggest a drop-down menu that lists common file types (.txt, .jpg, .mp3, .doc, .html, etc) to help narrow down results.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Old Pants, New Profession

"I think my pants are shrinking," I said to the rest of the oversized, three-person cubicle.

"Or maybe you're just growing," came the reply.

"That is my greatest wish!" I exclaimed, elated at even the posibility of grown just a few more inches. "Please, God, let it be me growing and not my pants shrinking!" I prayed outloud.

"If I was growing," I said, "I would become a professional giant."

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Flickr

kissing

I created a Flickr account the other day. I'm pretty impressed with all the features it has. It's very easy to organize and tag your photos, and you can even specify where you took them -- "geotagging" I believe it's called. Very cool stuff. If you haven't checked it out yet, I highly recommend it.

I'm going to try to post some photos now, from time to time, so no one will forget what I look like. (As if anyone could forget this mirror-shattering mug!) But you can check out my recent photos and slideshow anytime. Maybe this will encourage me to use the awesome digital camera my parents got me for Christmas. Thanks again, you guys!

I apologize for the gratuitously mushy photo this time. I'm sorry, it was the only one that I've uploaded so far in which I am not making a goofy face AND I have my pants on.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Our Dichotomy Opens the Combat

My roommate Sam and I had a good laugh over the Chinese-to-English subtitles in the screen captures from a pirated version of Star Wars: Episode III: The Backstroke of the West -- I mean, The Revenge of the Sith -- that someone ran across. The last one is the best, but I'll let you find that out on your own.

Circa Now